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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

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I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I ...

What do you call a pirate who designs houses?

An arrrgchetect

What did Russians use to light their houses before candles?


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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

Did you hear about the guy breaking into peoples houses and drinking all their coffee?

I don't know how he sleeps at night!!

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!




### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

What happens after you have a beautiful gf, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?

You wake up.

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