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Hillbilly Jokes

Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'...

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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy...

Hang Gliding Hillbilly

You don’t see too many people hang-gliding deep down in Kentucky, but Ol’ John Hickory decided to save up and get a hang glider. He took his new toy to the highest mountain and readied to take flight. After a taking a few deep breaths, John took off running and when he reached the edge he sailed off...

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Hillbilly Stripper

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He t...

What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

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Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks a...

Yeast is a lot like a hillbilly.

It's in bread

Hillbillies in the hospital

A hillbilly was visiting the hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthethic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He...

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

I finally convinced my hillbilly friend to get a Covid vaccination, but he doesn’t want Moderna.

He says, “ just because she sang some good pop songs back in the 80s don’t mean she knows how to make a vaccine!”.

An old joke about a hillbilly

who asked the school teacher, “I hear you teach trigonometry?”

The teacher said, “Yes, that is correct.”

The hillbilly said, “I want you to teach my son then, because he’s the worst shot in the whole family.”

Two hillbillies

were sipping moonshine on the front porch when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

“I’m a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery”, announced hillbilly #1.

“Do wut?”, asked hillbilly #2

“Send my lawn out to git mowed.”

If I die and come back as a hillbilly

Is that reintarnation?

Hillbilly circumcision

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly ?

Ans. You kick his sister in the jaw

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you...

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...

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An Old Hillbilly Goes to Town

There's an old hillbilly that's lived nearly his entire life so far up in Ozarks away from most modern society.

One day he decides to go into town for a change of pace. He's driving his old pickup truck down a main street and spots an antique shop with some nice looking furniture and other t...

Two hillbillies are discussing plans for dinner

After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"

"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other hillbilly scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"

"You know," the other says, gestu...

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A traveling salesman stopped at a remote hillbilly bar for a beer. As he sat at the bar, the bartender shouted “Showtime!”

A wrinkled old man stepped into a spotlight, dropped his pants, pulled out a huge dick, and shattered three walnuts. Then he bowed and disappeared.

Five years later, the salesman came by again and it was the very same thing.

Another five years go by; the salesman stopped at the bar. A...

What's the difference between a redneck and a hillbilly?

A redneck will ride a bull. A hillbilly will ride his cousin.

What do you call a fancy Hillbilly?

A Hill William.

A hillbilly is in Florida and has a sea turtle hanging up on a fishing pole.

The game warden approaches on his boat and asked, "Are you gonna release that?"
The hillbilly then replies,"No, they taste good."
"Oh really, how do they taste?"
"Somewhere between bald eagle and manatee."

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

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A hillbilly decides to get his life together

One day 2 hillbillies are sitting on their porch rocking chairs listening to the radio and one of them says, “man there’s gotta be more to life than this, I’m tired of not doing anything useful.” Right then, an ad starts playing on the radio for the local community college. That’s it! The hillbilly ...

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Hillbilly Bouy...

A hillbilly comes back from a meeting with Donald Trump. He tells his friends, “I gots ta talk to tha President! He said evathang ud chainge whun da penis potato boat comes!

His friends look confused and one asks, “What da heck ya mean Jasper, what’s a penis potato boat?

Jasper shoot...

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The hillbillies new neighbor

So a guy from the city goes and buys himself a piece of property. He looks it over with the realtor and the realtor leaves and he's just standing there admiring the lake that's on his land and thinking about all the New freedom he has.

A hillbilly comes walking toward him and he's a little su...

An American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The 2 finalists for this prestigious annual poem contest was an American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The rules were simple, come up with an poem on the spot that ends in tim-buc-tu.

The professor turned in his first. It read:

As I walked across the burn...

What do hillbillys do during halloween ?

They Pumpkin

A hillbilly walks into a Brooklyn bar…

…with a frog on his shoulder. As he steps up to the bar the bartender asks him, “Hey where did you get that?” The frog answers “East Kentucky, they’re all over the place down there.”

Hillbilly tries to get into Heaven

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. “Are you ready?” St. Peter asked?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugge...

Why did the hillbilly wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?

He said,

"If I'm gonna be impotent,

I gotta look impotent.

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

How did the hillbilly find the sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying

What do you call it when a hillbilly dies and comes back as something else?

Reintarnation

What's long and hard on a hillbilly?

second grade.

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Sex in a muddy corn field

A hillbilly and his wife are having sex in a muddy corn field one
evening.

The hillbilly asks, “Honey, could you check to see if it’s in you or if
it’s in the mud?”

She reaches down and checks. “It’s in the mud,” she tells him.

“Well, could you put it back in?”

She ...

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

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hillbilly guy is eating at a buffet...

a large lady at the next table is wolfing down chicken wings, dipping them into a soup bowl of ranch dressing and shoving them in, right hand, left hand...

suddenly she grabs her throat and starts eeking out a panicked sound and starts turning purple...

the hillbilly jumps up, shoves h...

A hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbour's house

"Howdy, neighbor," he says. In honor of you moving into the holler, I'm gonna throw a party.There's gonna be a whole lot of drinking, a whole lot of dancing and a whole lot of screwing.


Sounds like fun, the neighbor says. What can I bring?


The hillbilly replies, You can bri...

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A hillbilly once went to a doctor.

“Doctor, I need a cast(e)ration,” the hillbilly said. The Doctor replied, “Are you sure about that?”
The hillbilly promptly responds, “Well, I have given it some thought, and I am really excited about the change.”
The hillbilly finally goes through with the procedure and over time, recovers....

How did the hillbilly find his cousin in the woods?

Pretty good.

What do you call a hillbilly night club?

A family reunion.

Why don’t Hillbilly girls use Vibrators?

It chips their teeth

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An old hillbilly has a beautiful young bride.

One day a salesman comes to his door selling rabbits. "That's a mighty fine looking rabbit you have there," says the old man. "How much do you want for it?"

"This one sells for 20 bucks," says the salesman.

"That's mighty expensive for a rabbit," says the hillbilly. "Tell you what, my ...

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Redneck First Aid

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops h...

A Hillbilly joins the army

Next day while in training

General- Did you come here to die?

Hillbilly- No sir, I came here yester-die

Hillbilly holiday

What is a hillbillies favorite holiday?

Halloween, because they can pump kin.

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A hillbilly couple get married...

and spend the honeymoon night at her folks' cabin. The next morning, the boys' father walks outside and the boy is back home sitting on his folks' porch. The father asks, "Where's your bride, boy?" The kid says, "Ah done left her, Pa." The old man says, "Now why did you go and do that for?" The kid ...

What did the hillbilly yoga instructor say to his mom who was about to leave?

Naw ma, stay!

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A hillbilly family takes a vacation to New York City

While there, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
...

Hillbilly Ma says to her son,

"Jethro, I need you to fix the outhouse."

"What fer ma?"

"Jis go 'n hava look."

So Jethro walks out to the outhouse, opens the door, and looks, "I don't see nothin wrong here ma," he says.

"Look closer," says Ma. Jethro moves into the outhouse.

"Still don't see nu...

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Two hillbillys are sitting on the porch in rocking chairs.

The 1st hillbilly says "I'M BORED'....

So the second hillbilly says.. "I'll tell you whut....I'm gonna think of something... but I'm not gonna tell you what I'm thinkin...and then you get to ask me Three questions... then after three questions....you gotta guess what I'm thinkin'...."
...

A Hillbilly is the First in his Family to Attend Ninth Grade...

Jethro is the first in a long line of hillbillies and bumpkins to attend schooling beyond the eighth grade. After his first day of high school, the whole family is bursting with pride to see him swaggering up the driveway.

His father says, "Jethro, come tell us about that fancy high school! ...

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Two hillbillies from Alabama are sitting at a bar

There are three young, beautiful women sitting at a table near them. Suddenly, one of the woman stands up and starts choking on her food. Thinking quickly, one of the hillbillies runs over, pulls down her skirt, and gives her a lick on the right buttcheek. The woman is so shocked she coughs up the f...

Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?

Because they like to pumpkin.



I'll see myself out...

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A hillbilly missed the first day of his deductive reasoning class...

...so he goes to the professor to get the gist of what he missed.

Professor: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a lawn mower?"

Hillbilly: "Yea I do."

P: "From that fact, I can guess that you have a lawn in which to use your lawn mower.".

H: "Well I'll be..."
...

Why doesn't a hillbilly boy have to memorize his name?

It's tattooed on his mom's lower back.

Why do hillbilly’s have missing teeth?

Their dentist is Dr.Pepper.

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One hillbilly says to the other, "You wanna play twenty questions?"

The other hillbilly asks, "What's that?"

He says, "I write something on a piece of paper and you get twenty questions to guess what it be."

So he takes out a piece of paper and writes "donkey dick" on it.

The other hillbilly takes a second to think and asks, "Can you eat it?"...

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3 hillbillies (NSFW)

3 hillbillies walk in for an interview; find themselves a seat; and wait to be called upon. Eventually, some guy from HR walks in, points at one of the hillbillies and says "You, come with me."

"Now this job is all about attention. I want you to tell me the first thing you noticed when you wa...

Hillbilly murders are the hardest to solve

They don’t have dental records and all their DNA is the same.

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Hillbilly gets a new neighbor

Hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbors house.

"Howdy neybur, since yall are my new neyburs, i reckon i should throw yall a party at my house! There gon' be tons of drinkin, tons of dancin, and tons of screwin."

"Sounds good to me, what can i bring?" the new neighbor ...

The hillbilly's nagging wife.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.

He tried to plough a lot.

One day, when h...

A hillbilly and a weatherman are talking about the weather.

Hillbilly: We don't need you here. We have the best way to tell the weather.

Weatherman: What is that?

Hillbilly: We have a bucket.

Weatherman: What if it rains?

Hillybilly: The bucket is full of water

Weatherman: What if it snows?

Hillybilly: It has snow ...

A hillbilly and his wife and kids go out to dinner

The waitress comes around to take their orders, and the hillbilly grabs her ass, pulls her close, and kisses her. The waitress pulls back and shouts, "what are you doing, sir??!!" The hillbilly sits there embarrassed and says, "I thought this was a family restaurant!"

What do a thug and hillbilly have in common?

They both like to throw a hoedown.

A hillbilly shows up for his first work day at a construction jobsite

A hillbilly shows up for his first work day at a construction jobsite. At lunch time notices a coworker with a thermos. He asks him what it is. He says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!" The hillbilly is impressed so he gets one and brings it in the next day. His cowor...

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Two hillbillies are walking through the woods...

They come across a pile of dog shit. One of them says to the other, "I think that's dog shit."

"Does it smell like dog shit?" Asks the second.

The first bends down to smell it, "Yes."

"Does it feel like dog shit?"

The one picks up a piece and sure enough it feels like s...

What do you get when you cross a hillbilly and a murder suspect?

A person of incest.

2 hillbillies walking through a field.

2 hillbillies are walking through a field when they come across an old well. They start talking to each other asking how deep the well is. One of the hillbillies grabs a nearby shopping cart and tosses it down the well. While they are listening for a splash a billy goat comes charging right at them,...

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