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Hemorrhoid Jokes

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Why do more women suffer from hemorrhoids than men?

Because when God created man, he created the perfect asshole.

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How do gays refer to hemorrhoids?

Speed bumps.

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Hemorrhoids

Did you know that astronomers don’t get hemorrhoids?

They get ass-teroids.

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What do you call a hemorrhoid in the middle of your asshole?

A log splitter.

What were the two hemorrhoids doing by the back door?

Just hangin’ out.

I’ve just got my latest batch of hemorrhoids medication but I had to call the doctor when I got a bad reaction. He asked ‘where did you apply it?...

On the bus I said.

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What do you call a Dino with hemorrhoids?

A Tyrano-Sore-Ass Rex!

Feelings are like hemorrhoids

They need to be pushed back in

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You'll never get hemorrhoids...

because you're a perfect asshole.

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Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids?

It was a Tyrannosaurass.

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids. The doctor prescribes him suppositories to take every day then says to come back in a week. The man isn't entirely sure what a suppository is but at the pharmacy sees they're pills so he does as instructed, swallowing one every day. After a week he...

What's it called when you get a hemorrhoid in space?

An assteroid.

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My proctologist didn't know what a hemorrhoid was.

What a dumb ass doctor!

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What do BMWs and hemorrhoids have in common?

Sooner or later every asshole has one.

I prefer "badass" to "hemorrhoids"

when I describe my condition

Last week I got eczema, diarrhea, and hemorrhoids.

It was the first time I ever won a game of Scrabble.

What's it called when you scream in tearful anger from the pain of your hemorrhoid?

Roid Rage.

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What do you call a dinosaur that uses hemorrhoid cream ?

Mega sore arse

Hemorrhoids

Theyre a pain in the ass

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My buddy was in a bad mood all day because of his hemorrhoids

No reason to get all butthurt about it

What did the poet with hemorrhoids say?

I'm stuffin the puffin back into my muffin.

A newly in love couple is sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office...

Suddenly the man says: "My ear hurts."

The woman kisses the ear and asks: "Is the ear better now?"

"Yes," says the man, "much better, but now my neck hurts."

The woman kisses the neck and asks: "Is the neck better now?"

"Yes," says the man, smiling, "much better, ...

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids?

Because asteroids was already taken.

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I had a bad case of hemorrhoids, so I went to my doctor.

He said, "Wow, this is bad. I've seen some weird assholes in my career but this takes the cake." I replied, "Could you at least wait until I drop my pants?"

On Earth we get hemorrhoids...

In space they get assteroids.

Doc says I have hemorrhoids

They're a real pain in the ass

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90% of my friends have hemorrhoids.

The other 10% are perfect ass holes.

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I got a hemorrhoid

It's a real pain in the ass.

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Damn, my hemorrhoids are really painful...



"Intelligent Design" my ass.

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Accidentally brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream

...but at least my asshole smells minty fresh

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My doctor said I have hemorrhoids...

but I think he is wrong: everybody says I am a perfect asshole!

A doctor is calling in patients from the waiting room

-due to new privacy regulations we aren't allowed to call in patients by their name, so could the lady with hemorrhoids please follow me?

A doctor is sitting at a restaurant.

He sees a waiter that is walking a bit too slow for his liking and asks him.

"Sorry... but do you maybe have hemorrhoids?"

The waiter responds.

"I am not sure, I will ask the chef."

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A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

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A man was golfing at a course he'd never been to and got lost.

He sees a woman ahead of him, so he approaches her.

"I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I've never played here before and I'm a little lost. Can you tell me what hole you're on, so I can figure out my place?"

"Sure! I'm on nine and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on eight!"...

Hemorrhoids

Guy goes to the doctor, has a bad case of the hems.

Doctor give him some suppositories and tells him use them 3 times a day and see him a week later.

A week later he goes to the doctor and the doctor asks how he's been doing.

"Hemorrhoids are worse than ever doc, I used all the ...

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My friend was making fun of me for having hemorrhoids...

I'm really butthurt about it.

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A beautiful young woman goes to the doctor's office

The nurse puts her in an exam room, and asks her to remove her clothes. When the doctor arrives, he is dumbstruck by how pretty she is, and he can't maintain his professionalism.

He starts to feel her breasts, and says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies, "Checking for breas...

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What's another name for a hemorrhoid?

A cock blocker

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Two neighbours go to the doctors checkup for the obligatory militairy service

They both hoped to be rejected, but are perfectly fine man. As he was about to enter the room, one neighbour said to the other: wait me out, I'm gonna be rejected.

So 10 minutes later the guy came out and guess what. Rejected.

"Rejected? For what?"

"I just shoved 100 bucks up ...

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90% of the time I know what you want.

A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."

The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

I replied, "That's my job."

Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."

...

The guy with hemorrhoids

A guy had a hemorrhoids surgery, so his friend came to visit. When When he arrived he found the guy's son on the door, he asked him: what was your father's surgery?
The kid felt shy to say hemorrhoids, so he said: his ear.

The friend entered the room, greeted, checked on him then he said: ...

My Doctor gave me something to treat my hemorrhoids.

But I'm not so sure they deserve a treat.

Shortage of Heinz ketchup packets...

... now secretly caused by usage for hemorrhoids. The company will now market "A" Heinz for restaurants and "B" Heinz for hemorrhoids.

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The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and ...

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

A doctor walked into a restaurant

While he's ordering, he noticed the waiter kept scratching his behind and felt uneasy. Wanting to help, he asked the waiter, "you got hemorrhoid?"

The waiter thought for a second and then asked the doctor, "can you please order from the menu?"

Suppositories

Clarence was a farmer who lived during a period when few medications were available. When a county Doctor examined him, he found a severe case of hemorrhoids. The Doc told him he had samples of a new treatment called suppositories and gave him a handful. When Clarence next saw the Doctor at church, ...

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What do you get from a stripper with hemorrhoids?

A prolapsed dance.

The Miracle Healer

A miracle healer is demonstrating his gift. A woman with a broken arm in a sling comes up to him. The healer says “I lay my hand on your arm. You are healed! Go forth!”

The woman takes her arm from her sling and finds it works perfectly fine!

Next a man with a broken neck in a brace co...

A gem of a story from my grandfather.

My grandmother needed athlete’s foot cream so they went to a pharmacy to find some. The pharmacist didn’t speak a word of English and after about 5 minutes of trying to explain what my grandmother needed my grandfather gave up and walked out. 2 minutes later my grandmother walked out with the anti f...

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A guy goes to see his doctor because he's having an intense as pain in his asshole

The doctor tells him:

"Looks like you have hemorrhoids in your asshole, use this cream and it will help you."

Embarrassed, the guy says:

"Well that's a new experience for me, can you show me how to put the cream on?"

The doctor shows him how to apply the cream, and the gu...

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This Election

Being forced to choose between Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump is like being forced to choose between bad hemorrhoids and rectal cancer; one is clearly worse than the other but they're both still a huge pain in your ass.

what type of beer does a hemorrhoid enjoy?

pilesner

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Two old men are sitting on a bench

One of the men asks the other one.

-I was wondering, is the clitoris in the back or the front?

The other man thinks for a bit and replies.

-I am pretty sure that it is in the front.

To which the first man replies.

-I'll be damned, so I was licking a hemorrhoid all ...

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The avid fisherman. NSFW

A man checks into the the office at a fishing lodge in the Scottish highlands. After being given the key to his cabin he asks that he be given a 6 am wakeup call because he wanted to get started as early as possible.

The next morning after a quick breakfast he strides out of his cabin and pas...

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Two guys get called up for military service

Coincidentally, they both live in the same street so they share a ride.

During the ride, one says to the other: "I'm going to tell you right now, they will disqualify me for military service."

The other replies: "Really? How can you be so sure?"

"I'll tell you later." The first ...

A receptionist at a doctor’s office announces new privacy laws to patients waiting in the common area.

“Starting today, people won’t be called by their name.”

People somehow smile and nod.

“So, the man with hemorrhoids, please come in.”

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WWII Army Major walks into the medical wing.

He approaches the first bunk

Major: Why are you here Soldier?

Soldier: Syphilis Sir!

Major: How are they treating it Soldier?

Soldier: 5 minutes a day with a wire brush Sir!

Major: What is your ambition Soldier?

Soldier: To get back to the front lines Sir!<...

The Nurse Asked My Family's Medical History Today at the Doc's Office

Nurse: "Do you have siblings?"

Me: "Yes, a younger brother.

Nurse: "Does he have any medical issues?"

Me: "He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight."

Nurse: "Oh, okay. Anything else?"

Me: "He's battl...

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I love to fish

A man comes back from his honeymoon and is telling his friend about it, the friend asks "Where did you go on your honeymoon?" He replies "Lake Watahaxie". His friend says "but that's a fishing resort". he replies "Yep, I love to fish". His friend says "But it was your honeymoon, you're supposed t...

Healing Kiss

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting.

The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What’s wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it bett...

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