UPJOKE
french languageenglish languagespanish languagegerman languagesabbreviationacronymsemanticphoneticclippingportmanteauhaven'thadn'thaveapostrophe

Hasn't Jokes

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

Because he keeps repeating Chapter 11.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw an elderly man walking past. She hasn't had a customer in a while, so she calls out to him

"Hey, would you like to have a fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"Aww... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks her harder than he had in decades, and for 30 minutes!

When he's done, the pr...

What do you give someone who hasn't moved their muscles in over a year?

A trophy

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? ...

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk

He's essentially a giant banner

Why hasn't Jesus returned?

Would you want to hang out with a bunch of people who wear reminders of how you were brutally tortured and killed the last time you saw them?

My OnlyFans page hasn't been very lucrative

I'm going to have to start a MostlyFans page to increase my clientele.

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

Why hasn't the world ended

Because it's round

My wife hasn't touched my genitals in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

Why hasn't America converted to metric?

Because the changeover would have been to in-tens.

My dad hasn't spoken to me since February

Sure, death could explain it, but I always thought if you really loved someone, you'd find a way.

I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.

Customer service told me they're dealing with it.

Why hasn't Peru adopted LED lights yet?

Because they are proud of their incan descent.

If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?

Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

March hasn't quite destroyed the world.

No, but April May.

Chuck Norris actually died four years ago

Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

Sheriff, my husband left the house earlier today to buy rice for lunch and he still hasn't come back. What do I do?

\- I don't know, maybe pasta.

I switched the labels on the jars in my wife's spice rack. She hasn't noticed it yet...

I know the Thyme is Cumin.

Why hasn't America changed from lbs to kgs?

Because there would be mass confusion.

Hope it hasn't been done before

A hunter is talking with another hunter "Yesterday, we went on hunt with the others and I killed 3 rabbits, 2 foxes et 5 notuss"

The other hunter replied "What's a notuss ?"

The first hunter then said "I don't know, while I was shooting they were shouting "Not us, not us !""

Here's an oldie but goodie that hopefully hasn't been re-posted a thousand times:

A man is making love to his boss's wife and she passionately whispers in his ear, "Kiss me!"

He says, "Are you out of your mind? I shouldn't even be doing THIS!'


I read that in Bob Newhart's autobiography years ago and it has always stuck out as one of those weird jokes that halfwa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today hasn't been the greatest.

I got the chance to go horse back riding, something I haven't done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn'...

Why hasn't Apple finished designing their car?

They realized they had to install windows.

Guy who hasn't seen his Girlfriend since lock-down, phoned her.

Guy: Hi babe hows the diet going.?

Her: Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.

Guy: Scrambled.?

Her: No, Cadbury's.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, and he hasn't even used it.

He just sits and cries in his wheelchair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked....

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy....

Inspector: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.....

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Husband: Not sure, changes with seasons...

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only thing my Ex hasn't fucked

is off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door ...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.
GUY: "I want to get fucked."
Voice: "Sure, slide $20 under the door."
The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...
Guy: "I said, I'm here to get fucked!"
Vo...

My brother hasn't stopped staring through the window since the storm started

I suppose I should let him in

How can you tell if a ballerina hasn't taken a bath in while?

She does a split and sticks to the floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me he hasn't pooped in three weeks.

I said " you're full of shit"

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

DC hasn't capitalize on Static popular

Which is just really SHOCKING.

I'm surprised Metallica hasn't been on Sesame Street,

After all they are the Master of Puppets.

How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while?

He's wearing a wedding ring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

Why hasn't India ever competed in the football World Cup?

Because every time they get a corner they try to build a shop on it.

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding.

He's not happy about it either.

I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic

Without all those tourists helping hold it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman hasn't had sex with her husband in years, so he takes her to the doctor

The doctor takes her into the exam room, but he determines that she's healthy and that there is nothing physically wrong with her. So he asks her what could be preventing her from having sex with her husband. She replies:

"Well, every morning, my husband gives me money for work, but it only c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came up with this myself in the shower, hopefully hasn't been done before.

Two pieces of poop are arguing in the toilet bowl.

The piss gets _pissed_ by this and decides to ask them what they are arguing about.

The poop says, "Stay out of it, piss. It's fecal matter."

Learning to read Braille with my index finger hasn't been easy so far

In fact, it's been a pretty bumpy ride

My favorite high stakes parkour artist hasn't posted in months.

Not only is it a cliffhanger its most likely a cliff faller.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?...

Why Jesus doesn't come back

An extraterrestrial landed his flying saucer in a man's back yard. The man came out and the two started talking. Eventually, the man asked the extraterrestrial if they knew about Jesus on his planet.


"Oh, yes," said the alien. "We know Jesus very well. In fact, he visits our world e...

My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.

I think he took a fence.

What do you call a band that hasn't gotten a gig yet?

999MB

Why hasn't the zombie apocalypse happened already?

Someone's really been dragging their feet on that.

Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before

A rare moment of shelf discovery.

Why hasn't anyone seen Bruce Jenner in years?

Because he's transparent.

Why hasn't anyone from Boston ever become a pirate?

Because they can't pronounce their AAARRRRRRs

My head hasn't been in the right place lately

Last night I tried to hang myself but I got my foot stuck in the noose

Why hasn't Achilles returned to France?

He hates Paris.

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

What do you give a country that hasn't rang it's bell for war in 100 years?

A no bell peace prize.

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new meth cocaine combo called methaine hasn't been selling well.

I think it's because it smells like shit.

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep crac...

Why hasn't Russia had any women presidents?

Because Vladimir Putin isn't a woman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm thinking of leaving the wife as she hasn't been interested in sex since our daughter died, but I can't do it just yet.

The ambulance is blocking my car in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you call a developer that hasn't had sex in a while?

Full sack developer.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

It hasn't even been 2019 for a month yet

It feels like so much longer ago that I broke all of my resolutions

Hoping there hasn't been one in a while, but blonde joke thread.

How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?

Knock on the door

The little rascals. Hope this hasn't been told yet.e

This is one of the first "long" jokes I learned as a kid.




So Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat are in the 1st grade together. The teacher tells the class " Today students we will pick a word and use it in a sentence. You may pick any word but don't pick a word that someone has alread...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend hasn't touched my dick in so long.

Its schlong overdue.

Why hasn't Mexico got an Olympic team?

Because the ones who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a friend who says he hasn't been to the toilet in months

But I think he's just full of shit.



(just thought of this on the pooper)

A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

How come Miss Piggy hasn't thought about dating Porky Pig?

Because she's in a kermitted relationship.

The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!"

I replied, "But it's March Madness! All the basketball games are important!"

She said, "Record it and watch it later."

You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod…

My sister discovered a new universal language but she hasn't said a word

I should've cut off her hands as well

A woman encounter a friend she hasn't seen in some years in the produce market.

After some catching up she tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ...

What did the puma say when he realized his pa has been gone to get the milk and hasn't returned for hours?

"Um..."

It hasn't even made it through the senate...

And Bronx-Lebanon Hospital is already rolling out Trumpcare.

Some people wonder why Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn't run for President...

It's only because he's Austrian. And we all know what happened last time an Austrian came to power...

Why hasn't Trump deported all the Muslims yet?

Cause he can't get them through airport security.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me he hasn't pooped in over a month, but I'm not sure I believe him...

...either way he's full of shit.

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while...

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand

I'm getting pretty worried, my girlfriend hasn't gotten her period yet.

And she's already 14.

A Nun walks into a bar, looking like she hasn't washed in weeks.

She leans up against the bar, clothes all covered in dirt, stinking to high heaven, and lights up a cigerette.

The barman says, "You know, thats a filthy habbit Sister!"

"I know, I know", she replies, "but I haven't got anything else to wear."

[Political] I'm surprised Trump hasn't banned the sale of shredded cheese yet.

He said he would "Make America Grate Again"
(Sorry, that was a cheesy joke)

Being dyslexic hasn't stopped me from having a positive outlook on life..

Because when life gives you melons, make melonade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man, my ass hasn't been pinched this many times in years!

....our toilet seat cracked last weekend

There hasn't really been any natural disasters lately

Even the mudslides have gone downhill.

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,

"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...

Why hasn't Joe entered the race yet?

He's just Biden his time.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself on the 4K TV?

"HDMI"


I really hope this hasn't already been done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

Ice Cube is 48 years old, but still hasn't melted. Do you know why?

Man's not hot.

My coffee shop in Tokyo hasn't had many customers in the last couple of months...

It's ok now though, people are starting to drift in.

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

My car horn hasn't worked for a long time.

Today, a Boy Scout fixed it and all he said was, "Beep repaired!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage girl informs her parents that she hasn't menstruated in two months

Her parents are shocked and furious. Her mother is crying, her father swears to kill the pig who did this to her. He bids her daughter to call that sonuvabitch at once. So the girl calls her boyfriend, they talk for a few minutes, then she hangs up.

After half an hour, an amazing Porsche stop...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.