What do you give to someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy

If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?

Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand why Marvel hasn't put any advertisements on the Hulk

The guy is essentially a giant banner.

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm thinking of leaving the wife as she hasn't been interested in sex since our daughter died, but I can't do it just yet.

The ambulance is blocking my car in.

Why hasn't America converted to metric?

Because the changeover would have been to in-tens.

Why hasn't the world ended

Because it's round

How can you tell if a ballerina hasn't taken a bath in while?

She does a split and sticks to the floor.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?...

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

What did the puma say when he realized his pa has been gone to get the milk and hasn't returned for hours?

"Um..."

A man who hasn't spoken to his friend in a while decides to give him a call.

He calls his friend's house and to his surprise, he hears his friends young child answer the phone.

"Hey, can you pass the phone to your dad?"

"I can't, he's busy", the child said, in a quiet whisper.

"What's he doing?"

"He's in the hall."

"Okay, how about your mum...

Guy who hasn't seen his Girlfriend since lock-down, phoned her.

Guy: Hi babe hows the diet going.?

Her: Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.

Guy: Scrambled.?

Her: No, Cadbury's.

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never checked....

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy....

Inspector: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.....

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Husband: Not sure, changes with seasons...

We usually get half a day off for Good Friday, but there hasn't been an announcement this year, so I tracked down my boss and asked...

"Do we still get off Friday for Jesus day?"


He replied, "No, we only get off a half day for Good Friday."


And all I said was, "You know, if he would have stayed dead, we could have taken the whole day off, but now we have to give half of it back."


And that, my friend...

Learning to read Braille with my index finger hasn't been easy so far

In fact, it's been a pretty bumpy ride

My brother hasn't stopped staring through the window since the storm started

I suppose I should let him in

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

Because he always gets stuck at Chapter 11

Why hasn't Apple finished designing their car?

They realized they had to install windows.

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

Was talking to my friend last week, asked how his wife was doing and he said to me he doesn't know she went to the shop for a bottle of milk 2 week ago and hasn't come back, I asked him how he was coping

He said I've been using the powdered milk its bloody horrible

I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic

Without all those tourists helping hold it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came up with this myself in the shower, hopefully hasn't been done before.

Two pieces of poop are arguing in the toilet bowl.

The piss gets _pissed_ by this and decides to ask them what they are arguing about.

The poop says, "Stay out of it, piss. It's fecal matter."

A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn't seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.

Friend: So do you have any kids?

Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys.

Friend: Nice! What are their names?

Woman: Steve.

Friend: You mean... All of them are named Steve?

Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's ...

Hope it hasn't been done before

A hunter is talking with another hunter "Yesterday, we went on hunt with the others and I killed 3 rabbits, 2 foxes et 5 notuss"

The other hunter replied "What's a notuss ?"

The first hunter then said "I don't know, while I was shooting they were shouting "Not us, not us !""

Why hasn't India ever competed in the football World Cup?

Because every time they get a corner they try to build a shop on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me he hasn't pooped in three weeks.

I said " you're full of shit"

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'. He hasn't been 'getting any' so he decides that this is his chance. He turns on the computer and starts scrolling through PornHub.

He starts to masturbate and before long he's about to climax. All of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the best blowjob of his life. Then, without a word, she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there stunned and amazed a...

I don't understand how Dr. Doofenshmirtz still hasn't killed anyone yet.

I mean, he uses the term inator a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

Being in quarantine hasn't really affected me.

But I do think it's strange that in one box of rice there were 6839 rice kernels and in another it was 6723.

March hasn't quite destroyed the world.

No, but April May.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman hasn't had sex with her husband in years, so he takes her to the doctor

The doctor takes her into the exam room, but he determines that she's healthy and that there is nothing physically wrong with her. So he asks her what could be preventing her from having sex with her husband. She replies:

"Well, every morning, my husband gives me money for work, but it only c...

My favorite high stakes parkour artist hasn't posted in months.

Not only is it a cliffhanger its most likely a cliff faller.

I'm surprised Metallica hasn't been on Sesame Street,

After all they are the Master of Puppets.

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before

A rare moment of shelf discovery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today hasn't been the greatest.

I got the chance to go horse back riding, something I haven't done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn'...

Why hasn't America changed from lbs to kgs?

Because there would be mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only thing my Ex hasn't fucked

is off

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

What do you call a band that hasn't gotten a gig yet?

999MB

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you call a developer that hasn't had sex in a while?

Full sack developer.

DC hasn't capitalize on Static popular

Which is just really SHOCKING.

What do you call a 60 year old that hasn't reached puberty?

A late boomer

Back when I was married, I found some match sticks left by the stove, where apparently the gas burner hasn't been igniting...

...so I wrote my wife's name on one of the matches there. Later, when she saw the writing and picked it up, she looked at me and asked what it meant.

I looked her straight in the eye, and said: "It means.. .that you've finally met your match."

What do you give a country that hasn't rang it's bell for war in 100 years?

A no bell peace prize.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, and he hasn't even used it.

He just sits and cries in his wheelchair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it comes to Hitler, history hasn't been very kind to him. But people seem to forget that he.....

.....did kill Hitler

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a friend who says he hasn't been to the toilet in months

But I think he's just full of shit.



(just thought of this on the pooper)

Is there a difference between a man who's had a vasectomy and one who hasn't?

Yes, a vas deferens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend, who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, hasn't been around in a while...

I heard he's finally settled down with that one nightstand

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? ...

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new meth cocaine combo called methaine hasn't been selling well.

I think it's because it smells like shit.

How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while?

He's wearing a wedding ring.

My sister discovered a new universal language but she hasn't said a word

I should've cut off her hands as well

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.



"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

A woman encounter a friend she hasn't seen in some years in the produce market.

After some catching up she tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ...

Why hasn't there been a black pope?

Because black men are afraid of being fathers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a phone that hasn't had sex?

Virgin Mobile.

Why hasn't Peru adopted LED lights yet?

Because they are proud of their incan descent.

The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!"

I replied, "But it's March Madness! All the basketball games are important!"

She said, "Record it and watch it later."

You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod…

Two friends are drinking beers in a bar. One guy says to his friend,"I'm thinking of divorcing my wife,she hasn't spoken to me in almost two months."

His buddy replies, "Better not be to hasty, women like that are hard to find."

My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding.

He's not happy about it either.

My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.

I think he took a fence.

The little rascals. Hope this hasn't been told yet.e

This is one of the first "long" jokes I learned as a kid.




So Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat are in the 1st grade together. The teacher tells the class " Today students we will pick a word and use it in a sentence. You may pick any word but don't pick a word that someone has alread...

Why hasn't anyone seen Bruce Jenner in years?

Because he's transparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hasn't pooped in 3 days...

...so he goes to the doctor. The doctor walks into the exam room shadowed by a medical student. After the man describes his symptoms, the doctor says,

"Well, you're constipated."

The medical student says, "No shit."

The doctor replies, "Don't insult the man, I'm sure he knows w...

Why hasn't dunkin donuts been successful in Ireland?

Because it isn't drunkin donuts.

Why hasn't anyone from Boston ever become a pirate?

Because they can't pronounce their AAARRRRRRs

What do you call an equestrian who hasn't got laid in awhile?

The Headless Horseman.

An Innuit is out fishing in his canoe one day, feeling fairly miserable because he's cold and he hasn't caught anything...

Suddenly, he hits upon the idea of lighting a camping stove in the bottom of the boat so that he can stay warm, and cook his catch at the same time. However, before too long, the canoe hits a large wave, causing the stove to tip over and start a fire in the canoe. Not wishing to get burned, the Innu...

A Nun walks into a bar, looking like she hasn't washed in weeks.

She leans up against the bar, clothes all covered in dirt, stinking to high heaven, and lights up a cigerette.

The barman says, "You know, thats a filthy habbit Sister!"

"I know, I know", she replies, "but I haven't got anything else to wear."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me he hasn't pooped in over a month, but I'm not sure I believe him...

...either way he's full of shit.

Why hasn't the zombie apocalypse happened already?

Someone's really been dragging their feet on that.

It hasn't even been 2019 for a month yet

It feels like so much longer ago that I broke all of my resolutions

How come Miss Piggy hasn't thought about dating Porky Pig?

Because she's in a kermitted relationship.

Ice Cube is 48 years old, but still hasn't melted. Do you know why?

Man's not hot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend hasn't touched my dick in so long.

Its schlong overdue.

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep crac...

Hoping there hasn't been one in a while, but blonde joke thread.

How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?

Knock on the door

Why hasn't Liam Neeson been nominated for another Oscar in the last 10 years?

All his roles have been Taken

Some people think Trump hasn't done much to create jobs

Who do you think is giving all these lawyers so much work?

[Political] I'm surprised Trump hasn't banned the sale of shredded cheese yet.

He said he would "Make America Grate Again"
(Sorry, that was a cheesy joke)

Being dyslexic hasn't stopped me from having a positive outlook on life..

Because when life gives you melons, make melonade.

Some people wonder why Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn't run for President...

It's only because he's Austrian. And we all know what happened last time an Austrian came to power...

Why hasn't Mexico got an Olympic team?

Because the ones who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S

My coffee shop in Tokyo hasn't had many customers in the last couple of months...

It's ok now though, people are starting to drift in.

Gotye had a hit single about 5 or six years ago, but hasn't had much success since.

Now he's just somebody that we used to know

*Alternative Punchline:* But he'll admit that he was glad, it was over...

Why hasn't Russia had any women presidents?

Because Vladimir Putin isn't a woman.

The garbage man is on his run and notices one home hasn't put their bin out...

...So, being in a good mood, he stops the truck and knocks on the front door. A young Aboriginal man answers the door.

"Hey mate, where's your bin?" asks the Garbo.

"Oh, I bin up North," says the Resident.

"Nah mate, where's your wheelie bin?"

"Yeah, I wheelie bin in jail...

A woman just had twins, a boy and a girl, and she hasn't decided yet what to name them.

Coincidentally her long lost uncle from Russia has just come into town. The mother decides, because it's such a special occasion she should let her uncle name them. After hearing the news, the uncle stating 'what a special honor it is,' decides he needs some time to think of the perfect names. Fina...

My wife hasn't been feeling very festive lately, but I've gotten her a present that will help her to discover the true meaning of Christmas...

A dictionary.

I bought a Money Tree five years ago and the damn thing hasn't grown a single dollar!

I must've bought a "lemon tree."

There are two guys sitting in a bar, and one is complaining that he hasn't had any for a while.

The other man, sympathizes, and tells him of a 'place' he can go to get some relief. He also recommends "Stella" for his new friend.

'Stella?' the desperate one asks.
'
Trust me,' the other guy says. 'Stella gives the best blow-job
on the planet. The amazing thing is, half-way throug...

What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet?

Remains to be seen.

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