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Erotic Jokes

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

So there's this part of a woman's body that can drive her wild with pleasure and I can't remember the name of it.

It's on the tip of my tongue...

The turtle wanted to see an movie once in his life.

But the box office wouldn't let her in, so she sat down in front of the cinema and started crying.

A young man walked by and asked the turtle what was wrong. She explained what had happened and the man suggested that he could hide her in his pants if the turtle would buy him a ticket. He woul...

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My girlfriend's writing an novel about a sociopathic addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

What's the difference between and ?

is when you use a feather, is when you use the whole chicken.

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I tried suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having .

She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

What do an asphyxiationist and a farmer have in common?

The artichoking.

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Who are the most homo- pop group at Hogwarts?

Wand Erection.

I wrote my first novel

The characters were a bit disjointed but they all came together in the end

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literature for premature ejaculators

-------------------
Chapter 1.
-------------------

She looked at him.

-------------------
The end.
-------------------

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I've been making extra money on the side by creating spreadsheets...

I don't feel great about it, but what can I say?

sExcels

If a vegetable wrote an asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

Idk if this joke works. I’m workshopping it

If a vegetable wrote an asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

“Art of choke me”

What do you call it when someone's working on an novel and gets writer's block?

Textual frustration.

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What is the difference between and ?

A sadist, a masochistic, a murderer, a necrophilic, a zoophilic and a pyromaniac sit in the garden of psychiatry and are terribly bored.

Once the zoophile sounds:
- What if we fucked a cat?

For this, the sadist:
-Yes, let's him and then torture him well.

The mur...

What do you call mathematics?

Sin X

asphyxiation is confusing

I can't tell if people are coming or going

What did the novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

What’d they call the movie about asphyxiation?

Die Hard

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What do you call fan fiction about sheep?

Smutton

What do you call an construction worker?

A brick layer.

Do you hear about the man who died playing an video game?

He had his final fantasy.

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I can't watch law enforcement videos without snacks.

I need popcorn for my cop .

Two day ago, my wife watched a romance movie.

That night, we had a romantic dinner.

Yesterday, she watched an movie, and last night was fantastic.

Today, I'm deleting all the horror movie channels.

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Every birthday I get an cake that resembles a woman's breasts....

That way I can have my cake and eat , too!

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What genre consists of novels?

Cliterature

What's the difference between my -driven asphyxiation fetish and an artichoke?

Nothing. One's an art I choke to, and the other's an artichoke, too.

Why are flags the most of cloths?

Because when the wind blows, they do pole dances.

What do they say about building an statue?

"If you build it they will come."

How come games are always digital downloads?

I just want a physical release.

I could talk about asphyxiation until I'm blue in the face.

It's to die for.

I'm writing an novel featuring tea and pastries.

I'm calling it "Romancing the Scone."

I was going to tell a joke about asphixiation.

But i wouldn't hold my breath.

Difference between and perverted

You can be by gently stroking your girlfriend with a feather. But its perverted if you take the whole goose to do it.

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I went to meet a girl from Tinder. Her profile said she was into enemas.

Turns out she was full of .


(Just thought of this one, you can probably guess where I'm currently posting from.)

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A man is driving home one night while very aroused

As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, “Pumpkins are soft and squishy and there’s no one around for miles.

He pulls over and pulls out a juicy pumpkin, cuts the appropriate hole in it and begins to slake his desires. Soon he’s really into it and doesn’t notice the pol...

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movie with son

I watched a movie with my son in which an scene appeared.
\- OK, I think it's time you went to bed.
\- Dad, I'm 18 years old.
\- I don't care how old you are, you will not watch me jerking off.

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I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very magazine! What ever are we going to do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very magazin...

You know, I’m into asphyxiation, but there is one downside.

You can never really tell if your coming or going.

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their . A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

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What do you call the state of being attracted to your own behind?

-fixation.

Did you hear The Fonz wrote an novel?

It's called 50 Shades of Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Why is everyone always late to Asphyxiation Anonymous meetings?

Because they're all , but coming soon.

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...

Dad: what were you watching?

Son: Kung-Fu Panda

*\*robot slaps son\**

Son: Ok! It was an movie.

Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn’t even know what an movie was

*\*robot slaps dad\**

Mum: HAHAHA!!! He’s your son after all

*\*robot s...

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A young ranch hand receives his first paycheck

A whopping $1.50. He immediately runs to the nearest brothel and asks the head maiden what he can do with a buck fifty...
She dubiously eyes him.
“I don’t have anything that cheap.”
“Please!” He begs “it’s my first time!”
Taking pity she says
“Well, there’s a chicken out back...”...

What's the problem with asphyxia?

You don't know if you're coming or going

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[OC] My therapist asked me what was my earliest remembrance and I told him it was wearing my mother's lingerie when I was a child.

he said it was probably a Freudian slip.

I didn’t get a lap dance!

It was an mugging

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The accommodating wife

A woman complains to her friend that her husband is losing interest in , and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation. Her friend tells her that to win his love she must make more effort. She advises her to cook a slap-up meal and then send him drinking with his pals down the...

A joke that works on both sides of the Atlantic.....

A young man is on his first date with his girl, they park up near a wood and start making out. He nibbles her neck.... gently bites her .... licks erotically down her stomach to the top line of her ..... “Oh yes”, she screams....”kiss me where it smells!”

So he drives her to Bir...

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I hear someone coming

A man just moved in to his new appartment and goes down to the hallway to collect his mail. When he is on the way back a young woman in a bathrobe steps out of the appartment next to the elevator. They start talking and suddenly her bathrobe opens slightly and he can see she is wearing nothing under...

I live with my boyfriend and my brother

I live with my boyfriend and my brother, both of whom I love very much but in very different ways. The only thing they have in common is they’ve both shared a bath with me at some point in their lives. One was a very experience and the other, he did a poo whilst we were still sat in. It ruine...

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I don’t quite know what it is about tight fitting shorts that turns me on so much.

Normally I wear a size L.

I wore a size M and it felt great at the start but the novelty soon wore off. I thought I’d really spice things up by squeezing into an S.

It was deeply but they stopped the blood to my legs and hurt my testicles.

So I went to the doctors and ...

I was talking to a friend...

I was talking to my friend the other day, and she mentioned a possible Christmas gift. She thought'd she'd draw me some art of alien races, slightly , and put it in a book for me.

I told her not to put it in an actual book. I told her if my mom found out, I'd be hung.

I almost ...

A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.

The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhous...

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Superman gets some

One fine day, Superman went to visit his good friend Wonder Woman.

As he approached her front door, he heard some moaning sounds coming from an open window.

Curious, he went to the window and peered inside.

The sight he saw was shocking.

Wonder Woman was naked on her be...

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ravishing young girl

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the . Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I’ll show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of t...

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an american history professor decided that he wanted a large mural painted in his home.

he called in a famous artist and explained to him that he wanted him to paint what he thought general Custers last thoughts were during his last stand. he went on holiday and he returned see a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many native americans in se...

Let's Pretend

At one night, a priest and a nun decided to get out of the convent together. They were looking for somewhere to pass the night, until they found a little hut, which only had a double bed and a wardrobe with some blankets. The priest asked the nun:

\- Should we sleep here?

\- Yes - the ...

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

Heard about the do-it-yourself home rodeo?

Cook a romantic candle lit dinner for your girlfriend. Have a good bottle of wine, and then lead her quietly into the bedroom. You have already spread rose petals on top of the bed. Low seductive music in the background. Erotically take each other’s clothes off, get her up on the bed on all four...

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A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized doll, but that was too close t...

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A very busy man needs to leave on a long business trip...

In fear that his long absence will cause his wife to become disloyal, he decides to get her a way to please herself. The man buys his wife a magic . He introduces the magic to his wife, "Its magic! All you have to do is tell it what to do, and it'll do it!!"
In disbelief the woman d...

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love your Mum

The other night I went out with my work friends without telling my wife .. I thought I would only have one drink but then one drink became two and then three and then you know how it goes .. I arrived home around 3am stumbling in through our front door trying not to make a noise .. I made myself a h...

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