What is the the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather... Kinky is using the whole chicken.

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What is the difference between erotic and kinky sex?

A sadist, a masochistic, a murderer, a necrophilic, a zoophilic and a pyromaniac sit in the garden of psychiatry and are terribly bored.

Once the zoophile sounds:
- What if we fucked a cat?

For this, the sadist:
-Yes, let's fuck him and then torture him well.

The mur...

What's the difference between the hentai I watch during auto-erotic asphyxiation and an artichoke?

Nothing.

One's an art I choke to, and the other's an artichoke too.

My roommate is into auto-erotic asphyxiation, but he's also suicidal.

I can never tell if he's coming or going.

I’m opening my French dessert making company for my erotic clientele

I shall call it OnlyFlans

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Do you hear about the man who died playing an erotic video game?

He had his final fantasy.

I wrote my first erotic novel

The characters were a bit disjointed but they all came together in the end

Why are flags the most erotic of cloths?

Because when the wind blows, they do pole dances.

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My girlfriend's writing an erotic novel about a sociopathic sex addict.

It's called 'Journal.'

What do you call an erotic construction worker?

A brick layer.

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A husband and wife are looking to spice up their sex life

The husband comes home one day with a shopping bag from a costume shop. "I've got a surprise for you. I thought we could try a little role-playing tonight. I'll call you into the bedroom after I've changed."

The wife becomes excited as she waits to be summoned to an erotic night of love-makin...

A vegetarian was into erotic asphyxiation, but he died.

He artichoked.

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I can't watch erotic law enforcement videos without snacks.

I need popcorn for my cop porn.

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Every birthday I get an erotic cake that resembles a woman's breasts....

That way I can have my cake and eat tit, too!

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I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.

She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

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Who are the most homo-erotic pop group at Hogwarts?

Wand Erection.

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A man is driving home one night while very aroused

As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, “Pumpkins are soft and squishy and there’s no one around for miles.

He pulls over and pulls out a juicy pumpkin, cuts the appropriate hole in it and begins to slake his erotic desires. Soon he’s really into it and doesn’t notice the pol...

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an american history professor decided that he wanted a large mural painted in his home.

he called in a famous artist and explained to him that he wanted him to paint what he thought general Custers last thoughts were during his last stand. he went on holiday and he returned see a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many native americans in erotic se...

I could talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation until I'm blue in the face.

It's to die for.

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I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazin...

What’d they call the movie about auto erotic asphyxiation?

Die Hard

What did the erotic novel author get from his editor?

Sticky notes.

What did he get from his publisher?

A hard copy.

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...

Dad: what were you watching?

Son: Kung-Fu Panda

*\*robot slaps son\**

Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.

Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn’t even know what an erotic movie was

*\*robot slaps dad\**

Mum: HAHAHA!!! He’s your son after all

*\*robot s...

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I went to meet a girl from Tinder. Her profile said she was into erotic enemas.

Turns out she was full of shit.


(Just thought of this one, you can probably guess where I'm currently posting from.)

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I've been making extra money on the side by creating erotic spreadsheets...

I don't feel great about it, but what can I say?

sExcels

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A young ranch hand receives his first paycheck

A whopping $1.50. He immediately runs to the nearest brothel and asks the head maiden what he can do with a buck fifty...
She dubiously eyes him.
“I don’t have anything that cheap.”
“Please!” He begs “it’s my first time!”
Taking pity she says
“Well, there’s a chicken out back...”...

You know, I’m into auto erotic asphyxiation, but there is one downside.

You can never really tell if your coming or going.

How come erotic games are always digital downloads?

I just want a physical release.

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Erotic literature for premature ejaculators

-------------------
Chapter 1.
-------------------

She looked at him.

-------------------
The end.
-------------------

I'm writing an erotic novel featuring tea and pastries.

I'm calling it "Romancing the Scone."

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You have a very erotic voice.

It's fucking with my ears

What do they say about building an erotic statue?

"If you build it they will come."

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What genre consists of erotic novels?

Cliterature

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movie with son

I watched a movie with my son in which an erotic scene appeared.
\- OK, I think it's time you went to bed.
\- Dad, I'm 18 years old.
\- I don't care how old you are, you will not watch me jerking off.

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

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[OC] My therapist asked me what was my earliest erotic remembrance and I told him it was wearing my mother's lingerie when I was a child.

he said it was probably a Freudian slip.

Did you hear The Fonz wrote an erotic novel?

It's called 50 Shades of Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Why is everyone always late to Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Anonymous meetings?

Because they're all tied up, but coming soon.

What's the problem with auto-erotic asphyxia?

You don't know if you're coming or going

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A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

Let's Pretend

At one night, a priest and a nun decided to get out of the convent together. They were looking for somewhere to pass the night, until they found a little hut, which only had a double bed and a wardrobe with some blankets. The priest asked the nun:

\- Should we sleep here?

\- Yes - the ...

ROBOT MAN

A dad makes a robot that slaps people when they lie.



"Son, why were you not at school yesterday?"

"I was at school"

The robot slaps the kid.

"FINE! I was watching a move with a friend."

The robot slaps the kid.

"FINE! It was an erotic movie."

...

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What do you call the state of being sexually attracted to your own behind?

Auto-erotic ass-fixation.

A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.

The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhous...

I live with my boyfriend and my brother

I live with my boyfriend and my brother, both of whom I love very much but in very different ways. The only thing they have in common is they’ve both shared a bath with me at some point in their lives. One was a very erotic experience and the other, he did a poo whilst we were still sat in. It ruine...

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love your Mum

The other night I went out with my work friends without telling my wife .. I thought I would only have one drink but then one drink became two and then three and then you know how it goes .. I arrived home around 3am stumbling in through our front door trying not to make a noise .. I made myself a h...

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

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I don’t quite know what it is about tight fitting shorts that turns me on so much.

Normally I wear a size L.

I wore a size M and it felt great at the start but the novelty soon wore off. I thought I’d really spice things up by squeezing into an S.

It was deeply erotic but they stopped the blood to my legs and hurt my testicles.

So I went to the doctors and ...

I've been pretty busy in quarantine

My erotic Animal Crossing fan fiction is going to blow some minds

Heard about the do-it-yourself home rodeo?

Cook a romantic candle lit dinner for your girlfriend. Have a good bottle of wine, and then lead her quietly into the bedroom. You have already spread rose petals on top of the bed. Low seductive music in the background. Erotically take each other’s clothes off, get her up on the bed on all four...

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A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close t...

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I hear someone coming

A man just moved in to his new appartment and goes down to the hallway to collect his mail. When he is on the way back a young woman in a bathrobe steps out of the appartment next to the elevator. They start talking and suddenly her bathrobe opens slightly and he can see she is wearing nothing under...

A joke that works on both sides of the Atlantic.....

A young man is on his first date with his girl, they park up near a wood and start making out. He nibbles her neck.... gently bites her nipples.... licks erotically down her stomach to the top line of her panties..... “Oh yes”, she screams....”kiss me where it smells!”

So he drives her to Bir...

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A very busy man needs to leave on a long business trip...

In fear that his long absence will cause his wife to become disloyal, he decides to get her a way to please herself. The man buys his wife a magic dildo. He introduces the magic dildo to his wife, "Its magic! All you have to do is tell it what to do, and it'll do it!!"
In disbelief the woman d...

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Superman gets some

One fine day, Superman went to visit his good friend Wonder Woman.

As he approached her front door, he heard some moaning sounds coming from an open window.

Curious, he went to the window and peered inside.

The sight he saw was shocking.

Wonder Woman was naked on her be...

Had some beers with a Muslim friend and he told me the REAL reason why Muslims dislike dogs

As he put it:

"Well.. when some dogs see a Muslim praying... some dogs might.. see it as an invitation.. to some erotic fun.."

(At this point I was snorting beer all over the place)

"...and it kinda ruin the moment"

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ravishing young girl

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I’ll show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of t...

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