Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

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I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, "Hi Darlin', I'd love to get into your pants!"

She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip...

I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra..and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill....

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I told my wife that having kids had made our love life a little bland. She laughed, grabbed a peach from the kitchen, seductively ate the flesh, and masturbated with the pit.

Mother fucking hard core.

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To get my girlfriend in the mood, I start counting in a really sexy and seductive voice

I call it four play

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive

but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands....

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There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Every-time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine."

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, "Washing machine." The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.

A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispe...

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This really hot chick walks up to the bartender and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss". She leans in and starts running her fingers through his beard and...

She rolled over and looked at me very seductively and said "I want you to make me scream by using your fingers"....

So I poked her in the eye.

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven.He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sati...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

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An over the shoulder stare followed by a seductive wink is one of the sexiest things in the world.

Not during a rectal exam though!

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I met a Chinese woman at a bar tonight. I bought her a drink and she sat with me and we got talking. One thing led to another and eventually we kissed. It came to closing time and we decided to go back to my house.

As soon as we got in the door we headed to the bedroom where we both jumped on the bed and undressed. She looked at me seductively and asked ‘so what do you fancy?’

I said ‘how about a 69?’




She replies ‘I’m not fucking cooking at this time!’

When a girl seductively tells you, "you can stick it wherever you want"

Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options

"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...

"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."

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A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

My wife called me seductively and asked me if I can be naked when she gets home from work.

Now I’m sitting on the couch with my father-in-law like a moron.

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

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The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island

He’s stranded alone on the island for over ten years surviving on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks h...

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Guy Fieri walks into a dive bar/restaurant after a long day of filming.

The menu board lists:

$5 Grilled Cheese Sandwich

$10 Growler of Beer

$25 Handjob

$50 Blowjob

The gorgeous bartender sees him at the bar and seductively asks what he'd like to order. Guy asks her if she is the woman performing the handjobs and blowjobs, to which s...

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John was walking on the beach...

Enjoying a nice stroll along the water when he stumbles upon a woman with no arms or legs. John approaches the woman who says to him, “hello, I’ve never been hugged before. Will you hug me?”

John, feeling sorry for the limbless woman decides to oblige her request, and hugs her before going ab...

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A man is lost in the desert...

A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck...' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceed...

Quick Guide To Flirting

dating coach: so, you've flirted before?

girl: sure, I have given 'the look'

coach: show me

girl: *bites lip seductively*

coach: have you considered biting the bottom lip?

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A man walking down the beach heard a woman crying... (NSFW)

He walks down to investigate. At he gets closer he sees it's the outline of a blonde woman sitting in a beach chair near the water. He walks up behind her about to ask her what the matter was. Before he says anything, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs. Thinking it's a bit weird, he s...

Heard about the do-it-yourself home rodeo?

Cook a romantic candle lit dinner for your girlfriend. Have a good bottle of wine, and then lead her quietly into the bedroom. You have already spread rose petals on top of the bed. Low seductive music in the background. Erotically take each other’s clothes off, get her up on the bed on all four...

How does Sherlock Holmes get all the ladies?

Seductive reasoning.

An engineer and a mathematician....

An engineer, and a mathematician are in a room with a beautiful blonde woman who is completely naked and laying seductively on a bed.

The woman says "you can approach me once per minute, but only covering half the distance between us each minute."

The mathematician gets angry and say "...

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Not sure what you will find

A man who has been stranded on a deserted island all alone for 10 years sees a speck on the horizon. "It's too small to be a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft.


Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman ...

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I'm just trying to be sexy

Why is it that when a woman licks her lips it's "sexy" and "seductive" but when I do it it's "weird" and I should "get off her lips"

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A man meets a woman at a bar

He plucks up the courage and asks her name.
"Carmen" she says seductively
"because i like cars and men, what's yours?"
The man thought for a moment.
"Beercunt"

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A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

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Castaway

A young man was on a cruise ship to Hawaii. He somehow fell overboard unnoticed, but luckily managed to get himself onto a small uninhabited island.
Luckily for him, he was a avid watcher of all those “survival” shows and managed to situate himself comfortably. After scouring the islan...

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

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A man in the military recently broke up with his ex, so he decided to visit a bar to meet some women.

The man notices a seductive looking woman sitting at the bar.

He introduces himself and she introduces herself likewise.

The woman has a strong sex drive, so she asks him a sexual question to get straight to the point. She asks, “Hey cutie, what’s your body count?”

The man repli...

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A hot schoolgirl is dangerously close to flunking class...

...so she tells the teacher : "I'd do anything for a good grade". The teacher whispers into her ear : "Anything ?" She replies : "Yes, anything". With a seductive smile he says : "Well then, sit down and start studying, you lazy fuck!"

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A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life (NSFW)

The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this? The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!

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A visual joke...

So a woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants.

The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the pr...

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Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.

"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.

"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caugh...

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A man was lost in the desert

With nobody by his side apart from his trusty camel. The man walks miles and miles, maintaining his needs by eating the flesh of dead animals and drinking from the oasis' scattered across the lands. However the one basic need he is unable to satisfy is the need for sex. After several days the man ca...

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A handsome priest and a young nun are traveling when their car breaks down...

And they are forced to spend the night in a motel - with only one room left.

The priest, being a gentleman, said, "Due to the circumstances, let's just share the room. I'll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I'm sure God will understand".

The nun agrees and they turn off the lig...

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What do you do after an orgasm?

A boy's girlfriend, planning on having sex with him, asks him with a seductive smile, "What do you do after you have an orgasm?" The boy responds, "Well, generally, I clear my search history."

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3 female friends sit down for coffee...

One of them starts talking about her recent sex-scapades with her husband:

"Well girls, last night when Andy came back from work he looked really tired, so I told him to go have a cold shower and I'd take care of him. When he goes to the bathroom, I wore my sexiest lingerie and laid down on t...

A man walks into a bar, and begins reading the menu overhead the smoking hot bartender.

The sign reads as follows:


* Nachos $4


* Hamburger $3


* Hotdog $2


* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3


* Grilled Cheese $2


* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50


* Handjob $10


After he looks over the menu for a mome...

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A Night To Remember...

A man is walking through the city at night and sees a woman sitting at the storefront of a shop wrapped in a blanket with a sad look on her face.

He kneels down beside her and asks if she is okay.

“I’m fine, it’s just I have been sleeping rough for weeks, I’m freezing cold and haven’...

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A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder...

...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.

After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

He decided that he was definitely not drunk...

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It’s their 50th anniversary and Mary walks into the bedroom wearing a seethrough nightie.

“John “, my darling”, she says seductively. “Do you remember on our wedding night I wore this exact same outfit?”

John says “yes, I remember”

“And do you remember what you said when I first came out of the bathroom and you saw me wearing this?”

“Yes I told you I was going to fuc...

A man’s car breaks down on a dim lot road in the middle of no where.

He calls a mechanic to come but he won’t be able to get to him till the next morning and it’s getting quite cold. He gets out his car and starts walking down the road to see if he can find anyone to help him. About 5 minutes down the road he finds a monastery with some monks in. They invite him in a...

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A real woman ...

A real woman ....
is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him t...

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A man washes up on a deserted beach...

He coughs up some water and tries to find himself some civilization. He walk around until it becomes apparent he is alone on an island except for a pig and a dog, both of which are strangely domesticated. Oh well, time to Robinson Crusoe the shit out of this island.

He starts a fire. Builds ...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

Date night

I was on a date with a girl last night and the conversation started to get steamy. She was holding my hand and I said; "just by using these fingers I could make you scream."
Seductively she leant forward and purred "well go on then, show me..."
So I poked her in the eye!

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nsfw Wife's New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally afte...

A guy is sitting alone at the bar

when a hot girl comes up to him. She leans to his ear and whispers in a seductive tone:

"For $100 I'll do anything, as long as you can describe it in no more than three words!"

She leans back, and the man thinks about the offer for a second and answers:

"Paint my house"

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A guy walks into a dive bar...

And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00.

"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are...

A guy walks into a pub in England...

He sits at the bar and a beautiful barmaid, with ample cleavage on view, asks what he would like. He says " A pint and a pie and a few kind words".

So she brings him the pint and a few minutes later brings him the pie. As she is walking away he says "What about the few kind words?" She look...

[NSFW] The oldest man in the world

Once a Reporter gets the news that the oldest man on earth lives in a village nearby. She takes her Stuff and visits him for an interview.

Reporter: Sir, you lived a decade plus 20 years now. Would you mind to tell our readers about your best experience?

Man: Sure! When i was young an ...

A man gets a phone call from an unknown number

"Hello?"

Seductive female voice:

"Happy birthday, darling!"

"Who's on the phone?"

"Your unfulfilled dream..."

Him, with tears in his eyes:



"Is that you, Harley-Davidson?"

slave Leia

A man comes home to his girlfriend who is in a slave Leia costume, chained to the bed and stretched out seductively. The man gets angry and says "I'm not that fat!"

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A wife had bought some crotchless panties

A wife had bought some crotchless panties and was waiting on the bed for her husband. When her husband came home she opened her legs seductively and asked, "would you like to have a taste?"

"Eww, fuck no!", the husband answered. "Look at what it's done to your panties!"

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A Jewish boy got a new German girlfriend

One night, after insane and wild sex, she goes into the shower, and whisper seductively "come join me in the shower, babe".

He frowns "Oh I wont fall for that one again".

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A man wants to lose some weight...

A man wants to lose a couple of pounds. After browsing the internet, he finds an ad saying "lose weight quickly!" Skeptical, he calls the number. A very cheerful woman answers the phone and explains "yes, we have 3 different exercise program levels. The first one is for beginners and you can lose up...

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I met a girl at a bar...

Things were getting hot and heavy and she said lets get out of here. I said where do you want to go back to? She said in a seductive voice, "wherever we can cause the most damage".
So I took her to my therapist.

A man walks into a bar...

and on the menu he sees Hamburgers $5, Cheeseburgers $6, Handjobs $10. He walks up to the bar and a beautiful brunette comes to take his order. She seductively leans over the bar and asks the man, “Can I get you something dear?” The man says “Are you the one that makes the burgers and gives the han...

True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.

I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club. She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I'...

A beautiful woman walks into her professor's office

Woman: "I really need to get an A in this course. What can I do to get an A?"

Professor: "Is getting an A really that important?"

Woman (seductively): "Yes, I would do anything to get an A".

Professor: "Anything?"

Woman (seductively): "Yes, anything."

Professor: "W...

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A man is lost in China

Jimmy is lost in the woods in the middle of the night. After hours of wandering, he stumbles across a random House. He excitedly knocks on the door and an elderly Chinese man who appeared to be at least 110 years old answers.

"I'm sorry to bother you but I am lost!" Jimmy says, " can I stay h...

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So this overweight guy wants to lose a few kilos

He's watching TV one day and sees an ad for weight loss: Lose weight fast & cheap! Deciding he'll give it a go, he rings the number.

The lady on the other end asks him how much weight he wants to lose.
"I want to lose 5 kg" the man replies.
"Okay, just give me your credit card numbe...

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a plane crashes in the middle of a desert

Only one man survives. He takes refuge in an oasis not far from the crash site. Luckily he finds lots of food and water to last him a while. After a few weeks his need for food and water is still being satisfied, but one of his other basic needs comes calling. He feels extremely horny. One day a c...

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A man comes home...

To find his wife sitting seductively on the couch in sexy lingerie. She looks at him coyly and asks, "Have you ever seen a dollar all crumpled up?"

The man replies, "No..."

His wife reaches near her breast and pulls out a crumpled up $1 bill. She then asks him, "Have you ever seen fift...

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Nice Guys Finish Last

I hate it when I am about to finish and as a gentlemen I ask: "Where do you want it?"

Then she tries to be all sexy and whispers seductively: "Anywhere you want."

Then all of a sudden she's blind and I'm an asshole.

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A black man meets a white girl in a club.

They go back to the girls house and start making out. The girl says seductively "show me that its true what they say about Black Guys". The man then precedes to stab the girl take her purse and run off faster then the wind.

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A man finds a ladder, seemingly disappearing into the sky... [NSFW]-ish

He begins to climb, getting higher and higher not knowing where the ladder will go. He passes by a very average looking woman, who says "Keep on climbing to success" and he figures "Why not?"

He keeps climbing and reaches another woman, this time far more attractive than the first, she says "...

*at cash register*

ME: Do I swipe the whole card or...

*[seductively inserts chip]*

Just the tip?

CASHIER: *[into mic]* Security

A hunter was walking through the forrest.....

When he comes across a beautiful naked women, she smiles seductively and says "Im Game big boy"!

So he shot her.

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My girlfriend caught me masturbating to porn on my phone...

She looked at me seductively and asked if she could help. I said sure, could you hold my phone?

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