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Eyeballs Jokes

Jokes are like eyeballs.

The cornea the better.

Oftentimes i find myself putting ice cubes on my eyeballs.

I think its because i wanna look cool.

I was going to post a Dad-joke about eyeballs.

But I think it would be too cornea for you all.

I was gonna make a joke about eyeballs but..

everything I came up with was extremely cornea

I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.

Thanks for looking out for me.

Please don’t joke about my eyeballs

It’s a sensitive area

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A boy gets into a horrible accident and ends up losing an eyeball

So him and his father go to the hospital and ask the doctor what type of options they have for a fake eye.

The doctor says, "well we have a nice plastic one that looks very real and it's great quality. Its 20 grand."

The dad says, "that's a little too much for us. Any other options?...

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I went to the doctor about my negativity and he diagnosed me with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerve between my asshole and eyeballs...

It gives me a shitty outlook on life.

When you look really closely...

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

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Girls also have two balls

Eyeballs

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A 8 year old girl walks up to her mother

Girl: "Ma what balls can you not play with?"
Mother: "What do you mean?"
Girl: "I will give you a hint. It is attached to the body but you cannot kick them or punch them."
Mother: Looks around and sweats nervously, "The balls attached to a penis?"
Girl: "No ma eyeballs!"

A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work...

when he is stopped by a policeman.
"Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?" asks the policeman.
"Eh, actually no, officer, it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along... you know."
"And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr Fog?" demands the policeman.
"Well," sa...

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Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll m...

A mad scientist was pondering over a mirror one night

His concerned wife asked him what he was up to. He said he discovered something amazing and could not figure out how it worked. Curious, she asked him about what he discovered. He replied “When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs”.

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An old man grabs a seat at the bar...

An old man grabs a seat at the bar and order a double scotch, which the barman promptly serves him. After drinking all his glass in one shot, he asks for another one, which the barman serves him.

The old man then say "How about a little friendly bet my friend?". The barman repond "why not" a...

The President of Earth wants proof that he's real...

And he won't believe the scientists and the psycologists until he sees his own face. Of course they tell him "look in a mirror!" but he says "not good enough. I want more."

So many years pass, and the Pres manages to go about business like he doesn't mind, but as soon as he hears about how s...

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I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of Mexican cartel gang members pulled up next to me in their low-rider. Six sets of eyeballs set in faces covered with tattoos stared menacingly at me and there commenced some spirited discussion between the members and I seemed to be the subject of it. I was getting nervous and had just c...

But what is Vsauce?

You are in a room with Michael.

Michael is staring into your eyes.

His lips part.

He speaks the sweet, golden words.

"But... what are, eyes?"

His head tilts slightly downwards, and to the left.

His eyebrow raises slightly.

He gestures with his hands.<...

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There was an American Soldier at the Neutral Zone in Korea

The American Soldier was a little bored and he seen a North Korean soldier so he asked "Do you speak english?" No response

So he turned to the south and asked a South Korean soldier if he knew english and he got no response back.

The American Soldier thought maybe they knew sign langu...

John has always wanted his own submarine.

Ever since he was a little kid, the only thing he had ever asked for was a submarine. Obviously, no one could afford to buy him a real submarine. But he grew up always planning in the back of his mind of how to one day own one.

One day, he decides to make his dream a reality. He finds a broke...

The Horse Challenge (LONG)

Every year, during fair season, a local farmer takes his horse and sets up a booth at various fairs. The rules are simple and the reward is great; make his horse nod yes and then shake his head no- doing this earns a $500 prize.

As it so happens fair season is in full swing, and the farmer...

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

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Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

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In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

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