Dressed Jokes - 61 Hilarious Dressed Jokes

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.

At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.

A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, “Give me all your money!”

The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!”

The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

Two well dressed men....

Two well dressed men are talking at a rooftop bar about 70 stories from the ground floor. They over hear a guy talking about how he's a hedge fund manager and how much money he makes. One of the well dressed men mentions to his friend how much he hates hedge fund managers. His friend agrees.
The ...

A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

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My wife said she was going to come to the Halloween party dressed as our Sex life

So she didn’t come

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.

The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

A buxom topless dancer went to Mass dressed in her work clothes

The priest stopped her at the door and said “Miss, you can’t go in there like that” She said, “But Father, don’t I have a divine right?!” Father said, “You have a divine left, too, but you can’t take Mass here without a head covering.”

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today

He's had the costume on for the last 20 years

Last night I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and met a woman dressed as an egg.

One thing led to another ... and a lifelong question was answered.

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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

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Dressed as a Premature Ejaculation

A man enters a costume party wearing only blue jeans; no shirt or shoes. The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"

The man says, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

"How in God's name are you dressed as that?!"

"Because I just came in my pants."

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

what do you call a fish who's all dressed up?

So-Fish-Ticated

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Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms..

..walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

The Indian lady at the store was very well-dressed today.

I said, " Wow, that's s nice dress!"

She replied, "Sari."

I said, "Well, don't be sorry, it looks great on you!"

What do you call someone who is desperate for some lovin' from somebody dressed as an animal?

Furrsty.

Did you hear about the time Morrissey went to the costume party with a date dressed up as a toilet paper mummy?

He introduced him as 'This Charmin Man'.

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I dressed up as a wrench for Halloween

My wife got mad called me a fucking tool.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

"Poor Old fool” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub…

So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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A Pirate dressed like Bruno Mars

I was once at a pub and saw a Pirate dressed like Bruno Mars;
It was getting late, so I asked him for the time.
To which, he replied:
"Yarr, don't believe me wristwatch."

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Jamaican guy gets invited to an emotion themed fancy dress party (terrible joke I liked when I was younger)

People start arriving before him, first is Sally who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in blue, with tear drops inked on her face. "Ah Sally nice costume, you are clearly sadness, come on in and get yourself a drink."

Next up is Andy, who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in red, wi...

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp

The host asked me: What are you?

Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.

Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp

Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

A Scotsman gets dressed in his finest kilt and heads to the pub

He drinks a fair bit more than he should have, and after struggling for a while to make it home on foot, he finally decides to lay in the grass by the road and sleep it off.

A group of girls walk by and see him lying there, one of them remarks that she'd heard Scotsmen don't wear anything be...

Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife?

...The invitation said to look sharp

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!"...

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So this kid dressed like a pirate goes Trick Or Treating...

A lady answers the door and says "My! What a big buccaneer!" He replies "Oh yeah! Well you gotta big fuckin' head lady!"

What do you call a group of well-dressed theoretical physicists?

A bunch of Feynman

A guy dressed up in an elf suit walks into a bar

"Could you name all of Santa's reindeer?" he asks the bartender. "Oh my God!" the bartender said with tears in his eyes. "It would be an honor."

Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

Why are prison inmates dressed in orange? They should be dressed in violet

Because they're violetors.

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The prostitute dressed again and said,

“It was a business doing pleasure with you.”

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America?

Star-Spangled Banner

Two well-dressed senior women are riding the downtown 1 subway line in Manhattan…

When the train pulls into the Times Square station, a man, completely naked except for his socks, boards and sits directly opposite the women and begins to man-splay.

One of the women begins to snicker, which makes her friend very frightened. She gently elbows her friend to get her to stop, l...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.

I didn’t show up.

I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween.

It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

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My premature ejaculation problem started when my other half dressed up as a superhero

Before I knew it I came in a Flash

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What did Jar Jar Binks say when he was asked what he was dressed as at the Japanese food convention?

Meeso soup

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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

A zoo in China denies using a man in a costume pretending to be a bear. But they do have a dog dressed up as a lion…

It’s a Shih Tzu.

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