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Damm Jokes

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

Van damme...

Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are at a bar, discussing which classical composer they would most rather be. "I'll be beethoven", says van damme. "Well in that case I'll be mozart" says Stallone. Arnie replies "I'll be Bach"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damm girl, are you the coronavirus?

Because you piss me off and I want you to go away.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is "the muscles from Brussels." Who are his kids?

Brussels sprouts.

Damm girl, I wish I was RNA polymerase II

so I could unzip your jeans just long enough to shoot one out and leave.

You either die young enough to be remembered as a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Just ask Jean-Claude Van Damme

An atheist and a pastor are playing around of golf

The atheist is new to the game of golf and therefore is inexperienced unlike the pastor.

On the first hole the atheist misses and shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And the pastor being a pastor tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

On the second hole the atheist misses and again ...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed..... in short, driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damm ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner yells back, "Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of nuns were remodeling their church.

Today they were painting the walls. They didn't want to get paint on their habits (their nun clothes), so they decided to lock the doors and paint naked...

...they were butt naked and painting when suddenly someone knocked on the cathedral doors. Sister Mary explained to her sisters that ever...

A man stopped breathing today at a bar...

A lady then screamed out "ANYBODY KNOW CPR"
I yelled back. "I know the whole damm alphabet!"
Everyone Laughed... Well except 1 guy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sloth was on the top of a tree smoking weed.

The Gecko saw it and went to ask for a hit and the Sloth said "Sure man! Take a big hit that's some good shit".
Almost immediately after taking a hit the Gecko started coughing like crazy. The Sloth then said to the Gecko "Damm go to the river and drink some water. I told you that's some good shi...

A guy gets in bed with girl

"I'm first time doing this, what should i do."

"Don't worry I know everithing. Just stick it in."

"Ok now pull it out"

"Now back in"

"Now back out"


"Damm girl i think you don't know it either"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sam died...

And found himself in hell. Greeted by Satan, he started crying.
Confused, Satan asks him what's wrong?

Well, I'm in literal Hell! Answered Samuel.

Oh, it's not as bad here as you think. Tell me, do you drink?

Well, can't say I've ever spat in a glass, Samuel answered.
...

A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain sa...

I can't believe it.

Yesterday i saw some kids that were no older than 12 years, standing by a cigarette dispenser. As I was watching them, one boy looked to me and decided to talk to me:,,Hey mister! Would you be so kind and buy some cigarettes for us?". I was astonished. I couldn't believe what i just heard. When did ...

A guy comes into a bar upset

Bartender asks him whats wrong, he tells the bartender "I've been doing this housewife for months now but I really want to break up with her but don't know how, she doesn't take bad news well. Shes in the car now waiting." Bartender says, "Well its dark out there and our voices sound similar, I coul...

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