UPJOKE
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Incessant Jokes

Tired of his parent's incessant harangue a very lazy young man went for fishing to add some fishes in their menu.

While sitting for fishing he felt very sleepy and was yawning. An old timer saw his lackadaisical approach and poked him, "Son, why are you working so hard? Just go to home and take a nap. It won't be hard for you I guess." The young man replied, "No. I have to catch some fish. But it seems very har...

What do you call a monkey that incessantly bothers people

A harangutan

What is the best adjective to describe somebody who incessantly makes puns?

PUN-gent!

^^^I'm ^^^sorry

Did you hear about the guy who died from having to listen to his wife's incessant talking?

He was sentenced to death.

Hungarian joke from the 1950s

Definition of socialism: the incessant struggle against conditions that would not exist in any other system.

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Wanda needs a dishwasher repairman.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't b...

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink ...

A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all," the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up ...

Why does God love atheists?

Because they don't bother Him with incessant prayer.

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(NSFW) Mom, you remember that time I killed a butterfly and Dad said, 'No more butter for you!'

Mom, you remember that time I killed a butterfly and Dad said, 'No more butter for you!'

Yes Katie, I remember. I think you were about 8 years old. It probably seemed harsh, but I supported his decision even though it made you quite upset.

And, Mom, you remember that time I killed a ho...

Best medicine

Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.

Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.

A joke my mommy told me :)

Once there was a woman sitting in the doctor's office, complaining of incessant gas. She says to the doctor.

"I've been having silent farts all day. I had one in the harris teeter, one in church and...um, one right now."

The doctor replied, "I think you need to get your hearing check...

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A man begins to hear a voice in his head,

quiet, but insistent, it repeats urgently, "Sell your house, take all your money, go to Las Vegas." The man ignores it at first, he sees a therapist, does yoga and eats kale, but nothing stops the voice from repeating the same sentence, "Sell your house, take all your money, go to Las Vegas."
...

An announcement was made by the government in the USSR

Since only one in seven households had a vehicle, drivers were speeding incessantly and the government announced that anyone speeding would be fined regardless of who it was.

One day Gorbachev gets out of his hotel and is late to the Kremlin, so he tells his driver to get in the back seat and...

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

An old couple is travelling in Israel

The wife incessantly nags her husband through out the trip, until unfortunately she has a heart attack and passes. The coroner tells the husband, "it will cost you $500 to bury her here, or $5000 to take her body back to America." The husband tells the coroner that he will take her body back to Amer...

Would you mind....

A man was on a train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He repli...

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A father and his son go into a convenience store.

The father purchases a 6 pack of beer and and pack of cigarettes. The son begs his father to buy him a scratch off lottery ticket, and after some incessant pleading the father agrees.

They return to their car and the father lights up a cigarette. The son asks can I have one of those? The fat...

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New dog crossbreeds announced.

Collie + Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Pointer + Setter - Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso - Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel - Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mou...

February 29th, 2020

On February 29th of this year, something extraordinary happened.

I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own - when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.

Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh....

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A young man gets lost in the desert...

... with little more than his clothes and camel. After several days of incessant walking he realizes that he will never make it out of there and that it is better to enjoy his last days alive. As a last wish he would like to have sex one last time, and as there isn't any other option it has to be wi...

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

Moth Joke

A moth goes into a dietitian's office looking very unwell.


The dietitian goes, "What seems to be the problem?"


The moth replies, "Where to start, doc? Each day I wake up at 6:00 a.m. next to a moth wife I once loved, who I have slowly drifted away from over the days. Her once...

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