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College Student Jokes

One night four college students were out partying late

One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. Then they went to the teacher and said they had gone out to a weddi...

elon musk, tiger woods, the pope and a college student are on an airplane …

the plane is going down, the pilots bailed, it’s going to crash.
there’s 4 of them and only 3 parachutes …
tiger woods says “i’m the best golfer in the world, i think i should get a parachute.”
everyone agrees, tiger woods takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
elon musk says “i...

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their
professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

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A college student walks up to a farmer asks:

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Wel...

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

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A middle-aged couple, Frank and Linda, rent out their basement to a college student named Bryce.

The basement bathroom does not have a bathtub, only a shower stall. So whenever Bryce wants to take a bath and not a shower, he has to use the tub in the upstairs bathroom.

One evening when Linda is at her book club, Frank decides to give Bryce a bath in his tub. When the tub is almost full, ...

A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.

Dear Mom and Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
<...

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A farmer hires a college student

one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers becau...

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Two College Students

Two college students were sitting at a law course. The professor hated them and will always pick on them with the purpose of failing them. One day, one of the students stands and says,

"Ok, professor, I'm tired of you trying to fail me, so let me ask you a question about law since you are so ...

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4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says "no p...

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Being a College Student is hard

Being a college student is hard. Every day, you have to clear up your schedule and make time to sit down and focus, find the right material, make sure no one will interrupt, and really zone in on completion. By the end of the night, your eyes are dry and your wrist is sore. And sometimes after all t...

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Two college students have their most important final exam next week...

But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach c...

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An American college student is in Dublin on St Patrick’s Day

So an American college student goes to Ireland for St Patrick's Day. He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The Amer...

What do you call a college student who joined the paratroopers to pay off his student loans?

Debt from above.

I feel bad for current college students...

Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.

A college student on spring break is having a conversation with his Dad.

"So how are your classes?"
asks the father.

"Good."

"How's the football team doing?"

"Okay."

"Making new friends?"

"Some."

"What are you thinking of majoring in?"

"Communications."

College Student's Response to a Chemistry Mid Term Bonus Question.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, ...

3 college students are living together to save money

One day they decided to carpool to class to conserve gas and cash, but they live in the top floor of a 30 floor apartment complex. The elevator breaks, which makes them have to take the stairs. The 3 deside to make time fly. The first 16 floors guy one tells a really happy story, the second 10 floor...

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A college student returns to his dormitory after visiting a prostitute.

"Hey," the student's roommate says, "how was your... uh, session?"

"I don't know why you recommended her!" the student replies. "She's *literally* crazy!"

"What happened?!" asks the roommate.

"First," the student replies, "she told me to lie on the floor. I did, and then she sto...

Some college students conducted a study about Ohio's trees

They found out that the trees were tilted towards the west. It was because Michigan sucks and Pennsylvania blows.

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Why did the blonde college student have sex with a Mexican?

Her English professor told her to do an essay.

What do you call hiking US college students?

The walking debt.

A college student slowly walks into a bar and orders a beer. He starts talking to the bartender.

"What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus." The student complains. "If she wasn't so drop dead gorgeous I would've dropped the class already." The bartender looks at him and says "So you could say she's easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?"

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A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met...

A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met. One day he plucked up the nerve to ask one of them, "So how come all you philosophy majors are so smart?" 

"Oh, that's no mystery," the philosophy major answered. "We've al...

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A group of vaping college students is called a smog.

A group of vaping middle school students is called down to the principal’s office.

What’s the most magical grain for college students?

Uni corn

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A college student is talking with his therapist.

The student says to the therapist, "I haven't had a good day today. I lost something."

"What did you lose?" asked the therapist.

"My ex got run over on the street by a bus."

"Oh my goodness, I am very sorry you lost your ex."

The student replied, "What? No, I lost my job...

Four college students decide to get drunk before their final exam.

Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam. They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car tire went flat. They ...

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I like my girls like college students

Well rounded, and used to getting fucked each week.

Water, Electricity and College students all have one thing in common...

They all follow the path of least resistance

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.

As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bir...

What do college students and suicide bombers have in common?

It's impossible to find either with any experience.

What do zombie college students eat?

Raw-men

I made fun of an art college student with drool hanging off his face...

He decided to draw my caricature and had passers by vandalise it with mucus to teach me a lesson.

It was the spitting image of me.

A college student walks up to the ten items or less line...

Heard on Car Talk... (from memory)

A college student walks up to the ten items or less line in a Boston supermarket....

He gets in line with an *enormous* number of items, far more than the 10 permitted.

The cashier takes a long look, and asks him, "So. You must be a student at...

A college student was golfing with an old man...

And they get to the 6th hole, a very long par 5 with a huge oak tree right in the middle of the start of the fairway.

The college kid says to the old man, "Any advice on this hole? I'm not sure I can carry over the tree but this hole is too long to lay up on the first shot."

The old ma...

What do college students say after praying?

Ramen

A college student, A banker, and a bomber are on a plane

They are losing altitude and fast. The pilot says they need to lose some weight if they want to survive. The college student drops his backpack. The banker drops a large safe. The bomber drops a bomb.

A few hours later, walking down the street, a child is sitting crying on the curb. A man as...

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...

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three college students are trying to join a fraternity...

They are told they have to spend the night in a derelict house thought by students to be haunted. When the three students enter, it is cold, there are few soft places to sleep, and no working water or plumbing. The first student walks up the stairs and discovers the only bedroom in the house. He qui...

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A doctor, a lawyer, a college student, and a priest sign up for a skydiving trip...

...and find themselves in the air at 12,000 feet. Three minutes before crossing the LZ, both engines come to a complete stop.

The silence is deafening, until the pilot who is also the instructor, pops out of the cockpit with a panicked look on his face and says 'Folks, I'm sorry-we're out o...

A college student is taking an end of the semester test for his bird study class

He realizes that if he studies the whole night, he can ace the final and get a good grade. So he pulls an all-nighter and feels good about the material. The next day, he arrives to his class, and the test begins. The thing he neglected to study was identifying certain birds by their footprint. This ...

Dad says, "College students are more interested in women today than ever before.."

A lot of them are in a program where they study a broad

Whats he difference between a camel and a college student?

Camel can go daaaays without drinking.

What are college students around the world saying that was exactly what Jesus said 1987 years ago?

What a lousy way to spend Easter Vacation.

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How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but it'd have to be one gigantic fucking light bulb.

It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines...

They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

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Have you heard of the 300-lb. college student from Japan?

He graduated sumo cum laude

Where do college students go for medical attention?

An I.V. League.

A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York.

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl's life, but the pit bull is killed in the process.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in al...

College student climbs into the back of an Uber and asks the driver "Do you have room up there for a pizza and a six pack'?

"Sure" said the driver.
So the kid leaned forward and threw up.

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A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

A high schooler walks into an SAT,

a college student walks into a final,

and a law student walks into a bar.

A college student is giving a highschooler a tour of the University.

So there are two guys, one is a college Sophomore and the other is a highschool senior. The Sophomore is giving the highschooler a tour of the University.

"And here we have the Women's Studies department."
The highschooler, a smartass, replies, "What about the Men's studies department?"...

It's irritating when students get ahead of themselves...

These days many college students assume that they're doing the job already. That's not how it works, you need to get the certification, or get the job.

Engineering students shouldn't call themselves engineers

Medical students shouldn't call themselves doctors

Law students shoul...

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. 

The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird'...

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