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Clung Jokes

An Oyster kept running in and out.....

An Oyster kept running in and out of a Clam Bar in the hopes of finding some clunge for the night.

The Barman said: " Careful mate! You might pull a Muscle!".

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Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

A local pub had an electric bull riding competition

Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.

A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.

The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.

Faster and faster it spun, ye...

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Hook and wood

As he's familiarizing himself with the crew, he notices an old man with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued by all of these injuries, he walks up to the man.

"It looks like you've seen quite a bit of action," he says to the old man, "I'd be interested to hear your story."
<...

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Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter explains to them that unfortunately Heaven is rather overcrowded at the moment, so they're only letting in people with the most horrific deaths. One by one he asks them each how they perished.

The first man: I live on the 6th floor of an apartment building in Manhattan, and for s...

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The woman of my dreams

40 years ago, I asked the woman of my dreams out on a first date.

35 years ago, I asked her to marry me.

30 years ago, I asked if she would do me the honor of bearing our first child.

5 years ago, I asked her to hold my hand during her chemotherapy treatments.

And las...

THE LORD TRIED!

A church was flooded out and as the preacher stood on the pews, parishioners came by in a boat. "No thanks" the preacher said, "I'll put my faith in the Lord."
As waters rose, the preacher climbed on the roof of the church. When the boat passed by again the preacher said "No thanks, I'll put my f...

They Were Alone!

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed.
He watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance.
She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect
her from t...

A hiker stuck on a branch

A hiker slipped over the edge of a cliff, and would surely have fallen to his death except for a branch he managed to grab, just a few feet from the top. He clung there in terror and yelled, "Help! Can anybody hear me?" A booming voice said, "I am God. Just let go of that branch and I'll catch you."...

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