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Carpool Jokes

I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop: Where's your passenger?

Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.

Carpooling with a blonde

A brunette and a blonde who always drive to work together, are running late one day. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.

The brunette says," I'm going to have to speed to get us there on time, so keep your eye out for the police."

As sh...

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Guy and his Buddy are carpooling

and see a pair of dogs fucking on a lawn as they drive by.

Guy says to his buddy, "man, I sure wish I could get my old lady to let me give it to her like that".

Buddy says, "shit man, just give her two shots of tequila, she'll let you hit it however you want."

Next day Guy say...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

Cop pulled me over & ticketed me driving alone in carpool lane.

Jokes on him, once I open the trunk!

If you carpool with roommates...

they are vroommates

How do blondes carpool?

They meet up a work

Why I won't carpool.

I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

The Carpool Joke

Three men decide to carpool together to work. For the first couple of days it seems great: they’re saving gas, they’re making good time, it all seems to be going perfect.

Then one night while they’re on their way home they pass through a tunnel. The three men begin to feel strange and then al...

I've made a DataBase of some of the worst Carpool Karaoke songs ever.

It's called CarDB!

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Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit d...

So we have Stairway to Heaven and Highway to Hell...

...and yet no Carpool to Purgatory

Why didn't the motorcycles get in the carpool?

Because they didn't have trunks

I got pulled over in the carpool lane today

The cop said I can't be driving in this lane without anyone else in my car, but the joke's on him. The trunk is full of people.

You know why I Hate Carpools?

Everytime I go through a tunnel my wrist hurts.

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I had sex in the carpool lane...

Now I'm HOV Positive.

So my friend absolutely will not, cannot carpool.

He just flat out refuses to carpool. He has this irrational fear that if he carpools and the car crashes in a tunnel, he'll be trapped because there are too many people in the car.

It's called Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

I carpool with Michael. J. Fox. Whenever he drives, I feel like royalty.

By royalty, I mean Princess Diana.

A driver gets pulled over for improper use of a carpool lane..

Cop: "Carpool lane is 2 or more passengers and I don't see your second passenger."

Driver: "well I'm just beside myself."

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua...

You know, after everyone realized that James Corden doesn’t drive the car in Carpool Karaoke...

...they should have just renamed the show to Car Pull Karaoke.

I had to give up using the work carpool as I got panic attacks every time we drove through a tunnel.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

I took the HOV lane underground, when suddenly my hands started cramping on the steering wheel.

Must be my carpool tunnel syndrome.

Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?

>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?

They meet at work in the morning

>Did you heal about the Polish terrorist that tried to blow up the bus?

He burnt his lips on the ...

I'm fine driving through tunnels when I'm on my own. But the minute I have multiple passengers and I drive through a tunnel, it hurts to hold the steering wheel.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

I’m deathly afraid of sharing a car with someone while driving through underground passages.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

I feel bad for highways that have to go through mountains

Many of them suffer from carpool tunnel syndrome.

A Southern Sheriff is driving down a secluded section of highway

when he sees what looks like a naked man peeing on a tree. He pulls over and walks up to the man and realizes he is tied to the tree.

The man smiles broadly and says,. "Oh thank God you showed up. You wouldn't believe the day I'm having. First my alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up late...

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Nothing gives me more anxiety than riding shotgun through a mountain underpass.

Think I've got Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

Downstairs

It's Harold's first day in the carpool. The boys honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps...

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A man was getting his physical...

when he then brings up a problem:

Man:Doc, you got to help me. When I wake up, I have a quickie with my wife, then carpool to work with my neighbor's wife who gives me road head, then at work, I pork my secretary for a few hours, then go to lunch at the strip club, where I have a three-way in...

One of my coworkers recently had a water crash...

Apparently he was carpooling

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

A man goes to the doctor.

Man: "Doctor, I have this problem."

Doctor: "What is the issue?"

Man: "Everytime I'm driving with my friends, we go through this tunnel, and I just can't control myself. I freak right out."

Doctor: "Sounds like you have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

I hate driving through tunnels [OC]

They're always so dark and scary. My hands always start shaking whenever I'm driving through one with my mates.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome

What is a car's favorite sport?

Carpool

My friend gave me a ride to work but every time we drove under a bridge my joints started aching.

Guess I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

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Complained to my doctor about getting sore wrists every time I give my friends a ride through the underpass...

He told me I had carpool tunnel syndrome.

3 college students are living together to save money

One day they decided to carpool to class to conserve gas and cash, but they live in the top floor of a 30 floor apartment complex. The elevator breaks, which makes them have to take the stairs. The 3 deside to make time fly. The first 16 floors guy one tells a really happy story, the second 10 floor...

Mike and his co-workers were driving to work when they passed through a tunnel.

Mike started freaking out. Concerned, his co-workers asked, "What's wrong, Mike?"
Mike frantically explained, "I have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome!"

What do you call it when a group of people in a single vehicle travel through a lengthy underpass?

Carpool tunnel!

I'm getting tired of riding to work from New Jersey to Manhattan with my neighbors

I guess I'm getting Carpool Tunnel syndrome

I have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges....

I think I must have carpool tunnel syndrome.

Trying to do my bit for the environment

..so I asked my work mates if they wanted me to pick them up.


Sure enough, I picked up two of the work mates in my car and off we went one morning to work.
Roadworks caused us to divert our journey. We had to take the highway.
Barry starts sweating..
I ask "What's wrong Barry!?"....

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A guy goes to the doctor (NSFW)

A guy goes to the doctor and he says:
"Doc, you gotta help me! I wake up in the morning and I fuck my wife. Then on the way to work I carpool with the neighbours wife and she blows me! I get to work and I fuck one of the girls on the photocopier. Coffee break I fuck the bosses wife. Lunch brea...

Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with building HOV lanes through mountains?

Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with building HOV lanes through mountains?

Classic case of carpool tunnel syndrome

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The Morning Commute (Adapted Chinese Joke)

Two guys carpooling to work approach a stop light while a hot, young girl driving a Porsche pulls up next to them. The passenger says to the driver, "I bet she's the Mistress. At least she doesn't have to work."
The woman overhearing the passenger screams back, "Asshole! If I didn't have a job I...

An old woman is having her 90th birthday.

She has three sons, and each of them has been very successful in life. They realized this might be her last year, and each decided to get something special for her.

The first got thought that she must find the same old house boring after living in it for all her life and bought her a mansion....

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Ponderisms:

Can you cry under water?







How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?







Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra p...

Reasons to allow drinking at work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what managem...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

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