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Uber Jokes

An UBER passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and...

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

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A guy is in an Uber.

He taps on the driver's right shoulder indicating him to turn to the right, but the driver freaks out and almost crash into a wall.

Guy: What the hell was that?

Driver: Sorry, but this is my first day driving Uber.

Guy: So what?

Driver: Until yesterday I was a hearse driv...

I was in a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do…"

Then I said "turn left"

I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my passengers didn’t appreciate when I went the extra mile.

What did the Uber driver say to the one-legged fare?

"Hop in!"

A husband and wife are going out for the evening...

Before going out they always put their cat out for the night.

An Uber arrives to pick up the couple and as they walk out of the house, the cat runs back inside.

The husband goes back into the house to chase the cat out, and the wife walks out to the Uber. She doesn’t want the driver to...

I saw a dude ordering an Uber as he left the gym

so I asked him, "Do you even Lyft, bro?"

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber

Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even Lyft.

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

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A very flashy, uber-materialistic, and self-absorbed braggart buys a Ferrari...

He’s driving around town showing off his new expensive ride. He waves at the pretty women with his right hand to show off his big flashy diamond rings.

He pulls over to park and is just relishing every glance he gets. He even calls out to a few people and says, “It’s a Ferrari! You like it?...

I was in an Uber..

..when a Grindr notification went off on my phone. My uber driver said, "I know that sound. My husband plays that game all the time."

There was an uber driver

He picked up an elderly woman. It was an average trip, 30 minutes. They were having a pleasant conversation when she offered him a peanut. Quite shocked, he took it, ate it and thanked her. Moments later she offered another, and another and he kept eating them.
After a while he began to wonder wh...

What do you call a rideshare app that’s worse than Uber?

Unter.

Why can't PC gamers use Uber?

Too many incompatible drivers.

An Uber driver

I called an Uber, a luxury minivan came.

The driver asked: are you ok with songs from the 60s?

Thought for 3 second, I said: Why not

Then he started to sing...

What did the inpatient woman tell the Uber driver?

Hurry up. I’m in desperate need of a Lyft.

dating is getting so expensive, so instead of buying an uber.

My wife gave us a ride

My Uber driver told me that he stuffs animals as a side gig

He's a Taxi-Dermist.

College student climbs into the back of an Uber and asks the driver "Do you have room up there for a pizza and a six pack'?

"Sure" said the driver.
So the kid leaned forward and threw up.

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light.

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

I got a Russian Uber driver today.

His name was Pickup Andropov!!..

Uber and Google are going to merge.

The new company will be called, "Goober."

A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time

The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?

Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.

Cabbie: so is frank your friend or......

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A young man and his date

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker, and I charge 20 dollars for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After...

Uber will be offering a new ride sharing service for people who need a getaway driver

They’re naming it, “Uber Yeets”

Why would you still take a cab instead of Uber?

Because I'm not going to ask my Uber driver where to get the best hookers in town .

What do you call a girl that doesn't give head?

An UBER

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What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

If Uber was a drug,

Sometimes we'd have really bad trips

Last nights party was wild. I got totally wasted then jumped in my Uber

Imagine the look on the faces of my passengers while I checked the route.

I took a ride last night, and I guess Uber will just hire anyone now.

I had to sit in the backseat because the driver’s guide-dog was riding shotgun.

Today was my first day as an Uber driver

and I just dropped off another dude my girls house

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In all this, Uber eats is like side boob.

We appreciate ya, but we want more!

If a cannibal uses Uber eats

He would get 2 deliveries at the same time.

I kept calling Uber but they never showed up

I told them I was in desperate need of a Lyft

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Thats it,I can't take much anymore. I'm divorcing my wife. First it was some guy in a drunk party,then it was her ex-bf, her boss, my best friend, some Uber driver and even her stepbrother..

I just can't stop sucking cocks.

I keep getting the same French Uber driver

Serge Pricing.

German lawmakers are considering a policy that makes all Uber ride sharing free

If the law passes, then Deutschland will über alles

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

My Uber driver's name was Bienvenido

When he was dropping me off I said " Thank you!" and he said "you're welcome" and I said "No, you're welcome."

Fell in a hole today working as a Nevada Uber driver...

The destination was the Bunny Ranch.

If Oskar Schindler was your Uber fare...

...you'd be Schindler's Lift

I had a really chatty Uber driver today...

He kept saying stuff like, "Who are you and why are you in my car?" and "Please get out or I'll call the cops."

5 stars.

Omg it took an hour for my friend and I to realize that our Uber driver was a celebrity!!

He’s even ranked top ten in the list of most desired people in the world by the FBI!

Last time I was working in Dallas, I had picked up these two girls on Uber.

They were talking about sight seeing and various landmarks when we pulled up next to a older brick building that had huge windows at a red light. I noticed the building was empty inside, like it had been cleared and renovated but not occupied. So I pointed it out and told the girls it was the Dallas...

Thanks to Uber Eats, ordering Chinese takeaway for a picnic is as easy as a

wok in the park.

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Why didn't Hitler use a taxi?

Because he was more of an Uber mensch

What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common?

Immigrants

I’ve been driving for Uber/Lyft full time for a few months now and my wrists are starting to hurt from turning the steering wheel so much.

I think I’m getting Car Pool Tunnel

A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia.

He got two stars.

Did y'all hear about the wine Uber started making?

It's kinda like a cab but not quite.

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Artificial Intelligence & Counter Intelligence

Hey Google, I am feeling the urge to have sex.


Google: Most certainly. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees. Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it. I have hired your favourite Thai masseuse.

She is just 12 minutes ...

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

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My wife and I often role play. It always ends up with me playing the sexy guy driving the Uber that she seduces. Until I got her pregnant...

Now I just get to role play as the Door Dash guy..

How do Australians get around?

KangarUber

A man stops into a biker bar for a drink

As he is sitting there staring at his drink a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly and the man burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life!" he says "I'm a complet...

I went to a car dealership last week and saw a Lamborghini that really caught my eye. I'm just waiting for my paycheck now....

So I can pay for an Uber and go see it again.

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The nun and the driver

One night, an Uber driver picked up a nun. While he was driving, the driver started to laugh insanely. "Why are you laughing?" asked the Nun "Oh it's nothing." said the Uber driver "No really" said the Nun, "I won't mind" So the driver told her, "Well, it's really silly but I've always had this fant...

Why would a tree make an awful Uber?

They can’t decide on a route.

Uber teams up with Lyft to fight ride-sharing restrictions in Germany

Deutschland Uber allies was probably a bad choice for the name of the coalition.

Uber dressed up some of their vehicles as Star Wars Stormtroopers in Manhattan...

I wouldn't mind riding one of those. They won't hit anything.

Today was a bad day

My ex got hit by a car and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Tom Brady, Hilary Clinton, and Urban Meyer walk into a bar.

None of them can get an Uber home because they've all destroyed their cell phones.

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Adolf Hitler never took a taxi in his whole life.

He was more of an Uber-mensch.

A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

What’s a YouTuber side job?

Uber.

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a "night light" and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leav...

What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?

An uber please.

I have been working from home since March of last year.

I am an Uber driver.

Going to be saying goodbye to this group that I love so much

I am here to say goodbye, this group has been fantastic but my wife says I spend too much time here and she can't take it anymore. We argued about it and she told me its either her or the group. So I am going to be gone for a few minutes while I help her pack and call her an uber.
I'll be right ...

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A Drive in the Country

A man and a woman meet at a bar and are having a great time. The woman says, "I know a place a few miles outside of the city where we can get loud and crazy.

They get in his car and drive about 10 miles. The woman teases his cock the whole time he is driving. When they arrive the woman says,...

What do you call a bread delivery service

Uber wheats

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

Picked up two HOT girls on valentines day ...

First time i ever had two HOT GIRLS at the same time.

I love driving for UBER.

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I'm getting real tired of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

I mean, I get it: they both appeal to the radical far right Uber-nationalists and blame problems on minority groups but whatever, it's getting out of hand. Grow up and show some damn respect!Hitler at least actively served in the military and didn't get a deferment.

What do an uber eats driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.

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