I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my customers didn’t like it when I went the extra mile.

An UBER passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and...

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

I was on a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do... "

Then I said "turn left"

I’ve been driving for Uber/Lyft full time for a few months now and my wrists are starting to hurt from turning the steering wheel so much.

I think I’m getting Car Pool Tunnel

Tinder can learn a lot from Uber...

It's much easier to find a ride on Uber

Google just bought Uber.

They are going to rename the company Goober.

Why would you still take a cab instead of Uber?

Because I'm not going to ask my Uber driver where to get the best hookers in town .

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

Why would a tree make an awful Uber?

They can’t decide on a route.

Why do uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even lyft.

Thanks to Uber Eats, ordering Chinese takeaway for a picnic is as easy as a

wok in the park.

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

What do an uber eats driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.

I got really wasted and decided that uber was the way to go

But according to the police taxi's only work for drunk people when they AREN'T the driver

What do you call a drunk women?

An uber so she can get home safe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nun and the Uber Driver

One night, an Uber driver picked up a nun. While he was driving, the driver started to laugh insanely.

"Why are you laughing?" asked the Nun
"Oh it's nothing." said the Uber driver
"No really" said the Nun, "I won't mind"
So the driver told her, "Well, it's really silly but I've alwa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very flashy, uber-materialistic, and self-absorbed braggart buys a Ferrari...

He’s driving around town showing off his new expensive ride. He waves at the pretty women with his right hand to show off his big flashy diamond rings.

He pulls over to park and is just relishing every glance he gets. He even calls out to a few people and says, “It’s a Ferrari! You like it?...

Why can't PC gamers use Uber?

Too many incompatible drivers.

I had a really chatty Uber driver today...

He kept saying stuff like, "Who are you and why are you in my car?" and "Please get out or I'll call the cops."

5 stars.

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia.

He got two stars.

My Uber driver's name was Bienvenido

When he was dropping me off I said " Thank you!" and he said "you're welcome" and I said "No, you're welcome."

Uber

Now that Uber doesn't have a CEO, COO, CFO or CTO, they may finally qualify as a self-driving car company.

I just had the most clueless Uber driver in Gettysburg, PA

He didn't even know the address.

What is the most effective pickup line?

Hello, this is your Uber driver.

What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common?

Immigrants

If Oskar Schindler was your Uber fare...

...you'd be Schindler's Lift

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

A man is at a party when he sees a Buddhist monk

As he is observing the monk, the lady behind him drops her phone, and he helps her by picking it up. After that, he begins moving over to the refreshments section, on his way he spots a drunk friend, for whom he calls an Uber home. Once his friend is safely away, he continues to amble over to the re...

Uber dressed up some of their vehicles as Star Wars Stormtroopers in Manhattan...

I wouldn't mind riding one of those. They won't hit anything.

I want to die peacefully while I'm asleep, like my grandfather

Not like the passengers in his Uber, screaming their heads off.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is very particular about hiring rides.

I mean, why would he Uber when he could Lyft?

How do Australians get around?

KangarUber

Uber teams up with Lyft to fight ride-sharing restrictions in Germany

Deutschland Uber allies was probably a bad choice for the name of the coalition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were ready to head out for dinner...

...windows closed, nightlight on, blanket over the bird cage and cat in the backyard.
We ordered an Uber which arrived shortly after.

But right when we were leaving the house, the damn cat ran back inside through the closing door. Cat alone at home is a bad idea though because she always...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm getting real tired of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

I mean, I get it: they both appeal to the radical far right Uber-nationalists and blame problems on minority groups but whatever, it's getting out of hand. Grow up and show some damn respect!Hitler at least actively served in the military and didn't get a deferment.

Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

and
.

....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Nazis think made their genes superior?

Uber alleles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love having sex in the back of a car.

My only problem is that it's really hard to find an Uber driver that'll let me.

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

Two friends are looking for their car key.

Nick and Nick had been friends since childhood. The first Nick had lived in his hometown, Thyme, and the second lived in New York. They were visiting Nick from New York's family for Christmas, and had a plane to catch in 3 hours, and they were desperate to try and find it. After 2 grueling hours of ...

What kind of car do most philosophy majors drive?

An uber.

John arrives home from work one day to hear a voice in his head telling him to quit his job

...quit his job, sell it all, and fly to Vegas. Day after day, it is the same thing. "John, quit your job, sell the house, don't tell the wife, and fly to Vegas."

Over time it starts to get more and more specific.

"John, quit your job at the bank. Sell the house for no less than $200k...

Taxi drivers seem pretty sad these days...

I guess you could say they're, *uber* depressed.

Did you hear about the Indian who drank too much tea?

He drowned in his teepee.

-My Uber Driver

What's worse than being a tanning salon owner in Africa?

Being a Somali Uber driver in Columbus, Ohio.

What do you call a nice Jewish Lyft driver?

an Uber Mensch.

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