I was in an Uber today...

The driver said: "I love my job! I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do"



I responded with: "Turn left"

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

Why do Uber drivers skip the gym?

Because they don't even Lyft.

There was an uber driver

He picked up an elderly woman. It was an average trip, 30 minutes. They were having a pleasant conversation when she offered him a peanut. Quite shocked, he took it, ate it and thanked her. Moments later she offered another, and another and he kept eating them.
After a while he began to wonder wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a Uber car sees a hot young nun passing down the street

The man tells his driver:

\-Look at that nun, I can't help to be sad that a girl like her made a chastity vote.

He answers:

\-Ah, I know her! There is an easy way to fuck her: You dress up like Jesus when it's very dark and ask her for sex, works every single time.

Late t...

If a cannibal uses Uber eats

He would get 2 deliveries at the same time.

Fell in a hole today working as a Nevada Uber driver...

The destination was the Bunny Ranch.

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

I was in an Uber..

..when a Grindr notification went off on my phone. My uber driver said, "I know that sound. My husband plays that game all the time."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

UBER driver.

An UBER passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don...

Why should you be worried if you get Walter White as your Uber driver?

Because he’ll be braking bad.

I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my passengers didn’t appreciate when I went the extra mile.

Tinder can learn a lot from Uber...

It's much easier to find a ride on Uber

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very flashy, uber-materialistic, and self-absorbed braggart buys a Ferrari...

He’s driving around town showing off his new expensive ride. He waves at the pretty women with his right hand to show off his big flashy diamond rings.

He pulls over to park and is just relishing every glance he gets. He even calls out to a few people and says, “It’s a Ferrari! You like it?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once I was in a Uber and when I decided to talk with the driver, so I touched his shoulder, that seriously scared him and he yelled

\-JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL---!

\-Hey, it's just me!

\-Oh, I'm sorry. You have no idea how much you scared me now, I thought this was still my old job.

\-What was your old job?

\-I used to drive hearses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I often role play. It always ends up with me playing the sexy guy driving the Uber that she seduces. Until I got her pregnant...

Now I just get to role play as the Door Dash guy..

Picked up two HOT girls on valentines day ...

First time i ever had two HOT GIRLS at the same time.

I love driving for UBER.

I keep getting the same French Uber driver

Serge Pricing.

I’ve been driving for Uber/Lyft full time for a few months now and my wrists are starting to hurt from turning the steering wheel so much.

I think I’m getting Car Pool Tunnel

Why would you still take a cab instead of Uber?

Because I'm not going to ask my Uber driver where to get the best hookers in town .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church?

**Uber:** sure

**me:** Cool, I’ll cancel the hearse.

me: Can I play some music?

**uber driver:** Yeah, sure.

**me *[pulling out my tuba]*:** Do u like veggie tales?

Google just bought Uber.

They are going to rename the company Goober.

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nun and the Uber Driver

One night, an Uber driver picked up a nun. While he was driving, the driver started to laugh insanely.

"Why are you laughing?" asked the Nun
"Oh it's nothing." said the Uber driver
"No really" said the Nun, "I won't mind"
So the driver told her, "Well, it's really silly but I've alwa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a "night light" and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leav...

I’m a very driven individual

I take an Uber every where I go

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

Thanks to Uber Eats, ordering Chinese takeaway for a picnic is as easy as a

wok in the park.

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

I had a really chatty Uber driver today...

He kept saying stuff like, "Who are you and why are you in my car?" and "Please get out or I'll call the cops."

5 stars.

What do an uber eats driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Why would a tree make an awful Uber?

They can’t decide on a route.

My Uber driver's name was Bienvenido

When he was dropping me off I said " Thank you!" and he said "you're welcome" and I said "No, you're welcome."

Why can't PC gamers use Uber?

Too many incompatible drivers.

What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?

An Uber.

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

The taxi drivers in my town are kinda loopy and a little stupid.

I mean they always recommend I take an Uber next time!? They're always forgetting basic skills like the English alphabet so I have to spell it out for 'em, I've had to show them how to use their inhalers several times and without fail they're always asking if I know why they pulled me over.

A man is at a party when he sees a Buddhist monk

As he is observing the monk, the lady behind him drops her phone, and he helps her by picking it up. After that, he begins moving over to the refreshments section, on his way he spots a drunk friend, for whom he calls an Uber home. Once his friend is safely away, he continues to amble over to the re...

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

I want to die peacefully while I'm asleep, like my grandfather

Not like the passengers in his Uber, screaming their heads off.

I just had the most clueless Uber driver in Gettysburg, PA

He didn't even know the address.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common?

Immigrants

I prefer riding with Uber

The other options are too tax-y for me

Arnold Schwarzenegger is very particular about hiring rides.

I mean, why would he Uber when he could Lyft?

What is the most effective pickup line?

Hello, this is your Uber driver.

If Oskar Schindler was your Uber fare...

...you'd be Schindler's Lift

Uber teams up with Lyft to fight ride-sharing restrictions in Germany

Deutschland Uber allies was probably a bad choice for the name of the coalition.

Did y'all hear about the wine Uber started making?

It's kinda like a cab but not quite.

A man named Phillip died of a rare brain bacteria

When he died, he donated his brain to science. The dissection was very time-sensitive, so the morgue hired an Uber to transport the head within the 20 minutes it would take before the bacteria disappeared.
The driver was then pulled over for speeding and, not having the proper driving clearance, ...

How do Australians get around?

KangarUber

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm getting real tired of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

I mean, I get it: they both appeal to the radical far right Uber-nationalists and blame problems on minority groups but whatever, it's getting out of hand. Grow up and show some damn respect!Hitler at least actively served in the military and didn't get a deferment.

Uber dressed up some of their vehicles as Star Wars Stormtroopers in Manhattan...

I wouldn't mind riding one of those. They won't hit anything.

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were ready to head out for dinner...

...windows closed, nightlight on, blanket over the bird cage and cat in the backyard.
We ordered an Uber which arrived shortly after.

But right when we were leaving the house, the damn cat ran back inside through the closing door. Cat alone at home is a bad idea though because she always...

Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

and
.

....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love having sex in the back of a car.

My only problem is that it's really hard to find an Uber driver that'll let me.

What kind of car do most philosophy majors drive?

An uber.

What's worse than being a tanning salon owner in Africa?

Being a Somali Uber driver in Columbus, Ohio.

John arrives home from work one day to hear a voice in his head telling him to quit his job

...quit his job, sell it all, and fly to Vegas. Day after day, it is the same thing. "John, quit your job, sell the house, don't tell the wife, and fly to Vegas."

Over time it starts to get more and more specific.

"John, quit your job at the bank. Sell the house for no less than $200k...

Taxi drivers seem pretty sad these days...

I guess you could say they're, *uber* depressed.

What do you call a drunk women?

An uber so she can get home safe

Did you hear about the Indian who drank too much tea?

He drowned in his teepee.

-My Uber Driver

What do you call a nice Jewish Lyft driver?

an Uber Mensch.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.