An UBER passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and...

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

College student climbs into the back of an Uber and asks the driver "Do you have room up there for a pizza and a six pack'?

"Sure" said the driver.
So the kid leaned forward and threw up.

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

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A guy is in an Uber.

He taps on the driver's right shoulder indicating him to turn to the right, but the driver freaks out and almost crash into a wall.

Guy: What the hell was that?

Driver: Sorry, but this is my first day driving Uber.

Guy: So what?

Driver: Until yesterday I was a hearse driv...

Uber will be offering a new ride sharing service for people who need a getaway driver

They’re naming it, “Uber Yeets”

Posting this for a friend who thinks this a funny joke.. what do think? (NSFW)

Nobody: What do you call a girl who doesn’t give head?

Me: Idk

Nobody: an Uber

I took a ride last night, and I guess Uber will just hire anyone now.

I had to sit in the backseat because the driver’s guide-dog was riding shotgun.

Three drunk men get into an Uber pool

The **uber** driver realized they were drunk and decided to take advantage of them. He started the car and stopped it again. With a smirk on his face he said "We're here!" The first man paid, said thank you and got out. The second man was impressed that they got there so quickly and gave the man an ...

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A young man and his date

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker, and I charge 20 dollars for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After...

I saw a dude ordering an Uber as he left the gym

so I asked him, "Do you even Lyft, bro?"

A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time

The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?

Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.

Cabbie: so is frank your friend or......

I went to a car dealership last week and saw a Lamborghini that really caught my eye. I'm just waiting for my paycheck now....

So I can pay for an Uber and go see it again.

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The nun and the driver

One night, an Uber driver picked up a nun. While he was driving, the driver started to laugh insanely. "Why are you laughing?" asked the Nun "Oh it's nothing." said the Uber driver "No really" said the Nun, "I won't mind" So the driver told her, "Well, it's really silly but I've always had this fant...

Omg it took an hour for my friend and I to realize that our Uber driver was a celebrity!!

He’s even ranked top ten in the list of most desired people in the world by the FBI!

I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my passengers didn’t appreciate when I went the extra mile.

My Uber driver told me that he stuffs animals as a side gig

He's a Taxi-Dermist.

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

There was an uber driver

He picked up an elderly woman. It was an average trip, 30 minutes. They were having a pleasant conversation when she offered him a peanut. Quite shocked, he took it, ate it and thanked her. Moments later she offered another, and another and he kept eating them.
After a while he began to wonder wh...

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A very flashy, uber-materialistic, and self-absorbed braggart buys a Ferrari...

He’s driving around town showing off his new expensive ride. He waves at the pretty women with his right hand to show off his big flashy diamond rings.

He pulls over to park and is just relishing every glance he gets. He even calls out to a few people and says, “It’s a Ferrari! You like it?...

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

I kept calling Uber but they never showed up

I told them I was in desperate need of a Lyft

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What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

I got a Russian Uber driver today.

His name was Pickup Andropov!!..

A man stops into a biker bar for a drink

As he is sitting there staring at his drink a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly and the man burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life!" he says "I'm a complet...

If Uber was a drug,

Sometimes we'd have really bad trips

I was in a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"

Then I said "turn left"

What’s a YouTuber side job?

Uber.

Today was my first day as an Uber driver

and I just dropped off another dude my girls house

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In all this, Uber eats is like side boob.

We appreciate ya, but we want more!

I was in an Uber..

..when a Grindr notification went off on my phone. My uber driver said, "I know that sound. My husband plays that game all the time."

Why would you still take a cab instead of Uber?

Because I'm not going to ask my Uber driver where to get the best hookers in town .

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Once I was in a Uber and when I decided to talk with the driver, so I touched his shoulder, that seriously scared him and he yelled

\-JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL---!

\-Hey, it's just me!

\-Oh, I'm sorry. You have no idea how much you scared me now, I thought this was still my old job.

\-What was your old job?

\-I used to drive hearses.

Last time I was working in Dallas, I had picked up these two girls on Uber.

They were talking about sight seeing and various landmarks when we pulled up next to a older brick building that had huge windows at a red light. I noticed the building was empty inside, like it had been cleared and renovated but not occupied. So I pointed it out and told the girls it was the Dallas...

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

Fell in a hole today working as a Nevada Uber driver...

The destination was the Bunny Ranch.

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My wife and I often role play. It always ends up with me playing the sexy guy driving the Uber that she seduces. Until I got her pregnant...

Now I just get to role play as the Door Dash guy..

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Adolf Hitler never took a taxi in his whole life.

He was more of an Uber-mensch.

I’ve been driving for Uber/Lyft full time for a few months now and my wrists are starting to hurt from turning the steering wheel so much.

I think I’m getting Car Pool Tunnel

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

Why can't PC gamers use Uber?

Too many incompatible drivers.

I keep getting the same French Uber driver

Serge Pricing.

What do you call a man with no shins?

An Uber.

Google just bought Uber.

They are going to rename the company Goober.

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

Thanks to Uber Eats, ordering Chinese takeaway for a picnic is as easy as a

wok in the park.

I had a really chatty Uber driver today...

He kept saying stuff like, "Who are you and why are you in my car?" and "Please get out or I'll call the cops."

5 stars.

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Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

If a cannibal uses Uber eats

He would get 2 deliveries at the same time.

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

In germany after the succes of Uber and Ubereats a new app is rising under elderly folk for finding people to help in your household

They're calling it Ubermensch

I called Uber eats today

I had them bring me a DiGiorno.

What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common?

Immigrants

My Uber driver's name was Bienvenido

When he was dropping me off I said " Thank you!" and he said "you're welcome" and I said "No, you're welcome."

A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia.

He got two stars.

If Oskar Schindler was your Uber fare...

...you'd be Schindler's Lift

I have been working from home since March of last year.

I am an Uber driver.

Going to be saying goodbye to this group that I love so much

I am here to say goodbye, this group has been fantastic but my wife says I spend too much time here and she can't take it anymore. We argued about it and she told me its either her or the group. So I am going to be gone for a few minutes while I help her pack and call her an uber.
I'll be right ...

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Putting the cat out

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs insi...

Why would a tree make an awful Uber?

They can’t decide on a route.

Uber teams up with Lyft to fight ride-sharing restrictions in Germany

Deutschland Uber allies was probably a bad choice for the name of the coalition.

Did y'all hear about the wine Uber started making?

It's kinda like a cab but not quite.

What do you call a drunk person trying to unlock their car?

An uber please.

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A Drive in the Country

A man and a woman meet at a bar and are having a great time. The woman says, "I know a place a few miles outside of the city where we can get loud and crazy.

They get in his car and drive about 10 miles. The woman teases his cock the whole time he is driving. When they arrive the woman says,...

What do you call a bread delivery service

Uber wheats

Picked up two HOT girls on valentines day ...

First time i ever had two HOT GIRLS at the same time.

I love driving for UBER.

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After years of flirting and begging, Kate Moss finally agreed to go on a date with Mick Jagger.

She texted him to pick her up at her upmarket apartment in London at 19:00. When the time came, she was all dressed up, sitting on her couch, waiting for the doorbell to ring. She was extremely excited about the date, as she had heard "big" things of Mick, and even decided to go on the date comman...

me: Can I play some music?

**uber driver:** Yeah, sure.

**me *[pulling out my tuba]*:** Do u like veggie tales?

What do an uber eats driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Uber dressed up some of their vehicles as Star Wars Stormtroopers in Manhattan...

I wouldn't mind riding one of those. They won't hit anything.

A man is at a party when he sees a Buddhist monk

As he is observing the monk, the lady behind him drops her phone, and he helps her by picking it up. After that, he begins moving over to the refreshments section, on his way he spots a drunk friend, for whom he calls an Uber home. Once his friend is safely away, he continues to amble over to the re...

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Last night I got so shitfaced the bartender had to call me a cab.

I was uber drunk.

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I'm getting real tired of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

I mean, I get it: they both appeal to the radical far right Uber-nationalists and blame problems on minority groups but whatever, it's getting out of hand. Grow up and show some damn respect!Hitler at least actively served in the military and didn't get a deferment.

The taxi drivers in my town are kinda loopy and a little stupid.

I mean they always recommend I take an Uber next time!? They're always forgetting basic skills like the English alphabet so I have to spell it out for 'em, I've had to show them how to use their inhalers several times and without fail they're always asking if I know why they pulled me over.

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Hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church?

**Uber:** sure

**me:** Cool, I’ll cancel the hearse.

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

I’m a very driven individual

I take an Uber every where I go

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

I want to die peacefully while I'm asleep, like my grandfather

Not like the passengers in his Uber, screaming their heads off.

How do Australians get around?

KangarUber

Arnold Schwarzenegger is very particular about hiring rides.

I mean, why would he Uber when he could Lyft?

A man named Phillip died of a rare brain bacteria

When he died, he donated his brain to science. The dissection was very time-sensitive, so the morgue hired an Uber to transport the head within the 20 minutes it would take before the bacteria disappeared.
The driver was then pulled over for speeding and, not having the proper driving clearance, ...

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