Captains Jokes - 17 Hilarious Captains Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the jo...

What do old pirate captains and math teachers have in common?

They both yell at younger people to find X

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain's cabin broadcast:

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome you again on board. Currently, we are flying over the Atlantic ocean, our height is 10000 meters and our speed is 900kph. Air temperature... shit! Fuck! Oh my god! No!

Captains go silent. Passengers are white as chalk, panic, scream...

A mi...

You know how captains tend to go down with their ships?

I always thought that was a weird hull to die on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

The Magician and the Captains Parrot.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the...

Have you ever noticed that all airline Captains have the same last name?

Every public address they make beings with: “Welcome, this is your Captain Speaking...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”

The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

What did Spock find in the toilet??

Captains Log

What do epileptic ship captains deal with?

Sea-zures

(This is a bad joke; I'll sea myself out)

What are bald sea captains afraid of?

Cap sizes

What do all Star Trek captains have in common?

They all have three ears.

A left ear.

A right ear.

And a final frontier.

Where do pirate captains keep their buccaneers?

Under their buckin' hats.

Captains Pants (one of my favorites)

One day, a scout on a small ship sees another equally sized ship on the horizon.

He tells the captain that the ship looks hostile, so the captain orders everyone on board to ready the cannons.

He then tells the scout to bring him his red shirt so that way his blood will not show and th...

Why don't Korean captains wear hats?

Because they don't know what to do with cap sizes.

I'm the captain now...

I work for a large shipping company. While in international waters, a small boat collided with our giant ship. Next thing we know, we're over run with armed people. I saw one in the captains quarters and they were talking. The captain shook his head no and pointed to a sign. The armed men calmly got...

A Captains True Colors

A long time ago there was this sea captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of the crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but in the end the captain and his crew were victorious. The n...

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