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Cackled Jokes

My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!” she cackled.

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

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A man was having trouble sleeping at night....

....due to a persistent and irrational phobia of monsters being under his bed. Despite knowing that there were no such things as monsters, his brain refused to let go of the fear that had haunted him all his life. He was undergoing therapy with a psychologist, but had gotten nowhere in several years...

A girl married a man who only had one foot…

The next day, her mother called her and asked, "My dear, what do you think about marriage?"

Her daughter replied, "Oh, it's real splendid, even though he only has one foot!"

Her mom cackled, "You're so lucky! When I married your dad, he only had one inch!"

A woman had 20 children

A woman had 20 children. 10 girls 10 boys, all of their names were leroy. Boys spelt Leroy girls spelt Leroigh. She met a man one day and told him how many children she had and what their names were. " why did you name all of your children Leroy/Leroigh?" The man asked. "It's easy to call them all t...

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My wife and I were watching some Show jumping.

She looked at one of the horses and cackled, "Look at the cock on that thing!"

I said, "Don't be rude, he's probably a nice guy."

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Old lady at the bus stop

So I was at the bus stop and there was an old, very ugly little lady standing there with a parrot on her shoulder. She saw me and cackled "Boy, if you can tell which animal I have on my shoulder, I will take you home and fuck your brains out."

I thought for a moment and replied "Uhh... an el...

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

The Third Wish

An elderly man was sitting alone on a dark path, right? He wasn’t certain of which direction to go, and he’d forgotten both where he was traveling to and whom he was. He’d sat down for a moment to rest his weary legs, and suddenly looked up to see an elderly woman before him. She grinned toothlessly...

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A lady had to walk to work one day...

....which meant she had to walk past a new pet store.

As she passed it a huge parrot on display in the front window squawked out to her

"HEY LADY! You are SURE AS UGLY!"

The woman was offended and mortified but continued her way.

At the end of the day she passed it again...

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Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

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