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Astronauts Jokes

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Why do all astronauts use a mac?

Because its dangerous to open windows in space.

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

If athletes get athletes feet, what do astronauts get?

>!Mistletoe!!!<

It's time.

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

Why do astronauts prefer to sleep alone?

They need their space!

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...

How much street cred do astronauts have?

Zero, G!

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One to screw the lightbulb and several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

Two astronauts went to the moon

When they crawled out of their spaceship, it was a sight to behold. In the distance, there was a teepee and a Native American sitting near a fire. They approached the native and one of them said, “Hello! We’re from planet Earth!” The native, with a scared look, says, “Oh god, not again.”

Did you hear about the two astronauts involved in a legal dispute?

They agreed to orbitration.

How do astronauts keep warm in a vacuum?

They bring a space heater

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

What do you call an astronauts favourite part in the computer

>!SPACE BAR !<

NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Hal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

Why are there not more dog astronauts?

They’re afraid of the vacuum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio.

Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.

Why do astronauts on the ISS never spend much time in queues?

Because they weightless.

So um... where do astronauts get drunk?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0

Q W E R T Y U I O P

A S D F G H J K L

Z X C V ...

I hate it when my fellow astronauts eject me into space without a suit.

It makes my blood boil.

Why did Ohio produce 20 astronauts?

Because it’s so boring, the inhabitants want to leave the planet

Why don’t astronauts need health cover?

Because they are never under the weather.

Three astronauts walk into a bar

On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.

Whose ten? We have a problem...

What cologne do astronauts wear?

Elon’s Musk

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

Did you hear about the husband and wife astronauts?

They were head over heels for each other.

Just heard about the astronauts that left earth today

Good choice

Why would gen z make bad astronauts?

In space no one can hear you meme

How do you get an astronauts baby to stop crying?

You Rocket.

How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party

They planet

Why do the ISS astronauts wear suspenders?

Because their pants are constantly falling down.

Where do Astronauts get drunk?

At home, like everyone should be right now.

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t astronauts jack off in the shuttle?

Because working under a suspended load is an OSHA violation

What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

Why are astronauts' wives always frustrated?

Because their husbands dock just the tip.

Two astronauts are on a mission around the moon.

Astronaut 1: We've just lost line of sight with the Earth, perfectly on schedule. We won't be able to contact ground control for the next six hours. Doesn't it scare you? That we're completely cut off from the Earth? That if something goes wrong now, we can't get help?

Astronaut 2: Not at all...

I’ve never liked astronauts,

they think they’re above me.

What do astronauts use to keep in touch with friends and family?

Spacebook.

So two astronauts walk into a club on the moon...

One says to the other, "Let's bounce, this place has no atmosphere"

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

One of NASA's first astronauts has recently died.

I know because I just read his orbit.

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon

But they didn't planet in time

What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would proctologists make good astronauts?

Because they know their way around Uranus.

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are talking about where they would go if they were astronauts.

The brunette says "the Moon. The Redhead says "Mars". The Blond says "The Sun." When the other two girls say she can't go to the sun as she'd get incinerated, she replies with "I'd go at night, duh!"

3 astronauts flew to the moon. They couldn't land.

It was a full moon.

My girlfriend is an astronaut

She said that she needed space today. I am confused.

Why don't astronauts eat much at breakfast?

So they can be ready for lunch

Why dont astronauts have to clean up after themselves?

Cause space is a vaccum

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

Two astronauts are aboard the ISS.

One astronaut loses focus while in the airlock, and floats back outward.

The second astronaut lunges forward on a tether and grabs him before they can go too far, and goes back into the airlock.

"What the hell man?" Shouted the second astronaut. "You could have died!"

"Sorry, I ...

Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?

They need space.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four astronauts...

Four astronauts have just begun a very long space journey, they were told to each bring a treat. The first astronaut asks the group "Hey guys, what did you bring? I have a bunch of MARS bars!" The second guys smiles and says "Cool, I brought Starbrusts!" he then asks the third guy "How about you, wh...

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