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Astronauts Jokes

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

Why do all astronauts use a mac?

Because its dangerous to open windows in space.

Two astronauts went to the moon

When they crawled out of their spaceship, it was a sight to behold. In the distance, there was a teepee and a Native American sitting near a fire. They approached the native and one of them said, “Hello! We’re from planet Earth!” The native, with a scared look, says, “Oh god, not again.”

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

What do you call an astronauts favourite part in the computer

>!SPACE BAR !<

How do astronauts keep warm in a vacuum?

They bring a space heater

I hate it when my fellow astronauts eject me into space without a suit.

It makes my blood boil.

Why do astronauts on the ISS never spend much time in queues?

Because they weightless.

NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Hal...

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

Why are there not more dog astronauts?

They’re afraid of the vacuum.

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio.

Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three reditt astronauts, American, Russian and Chinese go the moon on separate missions arriving at same time, what is one common thing they all say upon landing

"My tits are jacked"

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

So um... where do astronauts get drunk?

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Q W E R T Y U I O P

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Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

Did you hear about the husband and wife astronauts?

They were head over heels for each other.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are talking about where they would go if they were astronauts.

The brunette says "the Moon. The Redhead says "Mars". The Blond says "The Sun." When the other two girls say she can't go to the sun as she'd get incinerated, she replies with "I'd go at night, duh!"

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

How do you get an astronauts baby to stop crying?

You Rocket.

Just heard about the astronauts that left earth today

Good choice

Three astronauts walk into a bar

On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.

Whose ten? We have a problem...

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon

But they didn't planet in time

What do astronauts use to keep in touch with friends and family?

Spacebook.

Why did Ohio produce 20 astronauts?

Because it’s so boring, the inhabitants want to leave the planet

NASA is opting to replace more and more human astronauts with trained chimpanzees.

They cost peanuts.

Why don’t astronauts need health cover?

Because they are never under the weather.

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t astronauts jack off in the shuttle?

Because working under a suspended load is an OSHA violation

Why would gen z make bad astronauts?

In space no one can hear you meme

Why do the ISS astronauts wear suspenders?

Because their pants are constantly falling down.

What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

What did Trump say when he was told there were Brazilian astronauts in space?

Another Trump record. No one has ever heard of this many astronauts in Space.

Two astronauts are on a mission around the moon.

Astronaut 1: We've just lost line of sight with the Earth, perfectly on schedule. We won't be able to contact ground control for the next six hours. Doesn't it scare you? That we're completely cut off from the Earth? That if something goes wrong now, we can't get help?

Astronaut 2: Not at all...

3 astronauts flew to the moon. They couldn't land.

It was a full moon.

Couldn't astronauts just bring thousands of chip bags to the moon with them?

They get both air and chips.

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

Why dont astronauts have to clean up after themselves?

Cause space is a vaccum

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation...

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...

Where do Astronauts get drunk?

At home, like everyone should be right now.

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One but it will take several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

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From my book *400 Fresh Clean Jokes For Everyone*.

One of NASA's first astronauts has recently died.

I know because I just read his orbit.

So two astronauts walk into a club on the moon...

One says to the other, "Let's bounce, this place has no atmosphere"

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

Why do astronauts like to save money?

To get more Tang for their buck

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

Why don't astronauts eat much at breakfast?

So they can be ready for lunch

Why do astronauts always sit one chair apart from eachother when drinking alcohol?

Because they're at a space bar.

I’ve never liked astronauts,

they think they’re above me.

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