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Paved Jokes

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Thats why I always intend bad things.

Parking Lot Needs Paving

So a town puts a bid notice in the paper to have a parking lot paved. Three guys show up.

First guy in is Polish. "Okay," says the mayor, "how much is your bid?"

Polish guy says, "A hundred thousand dollars."

Mayor says, "Could you break that down for me?"

Polish guy sa...

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

I screwed up when I paved my private road...

I guess it's my own dumb asphalt.

Did you hear about the CRAZY paved trail?...

It's a "Cycle-Path"

When my grandfather came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold

And when he got to America he found out three things:

1. That the streets were not paved with gold
2. That the streets were not paved
3. That he was gonna be the guy paving them

[old Shelley Berman joke, told by Lorne Michaels in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee]

Two Nuns

Two nuns are riding their bikes across the village back to the convent when they come up to construction in the road.

They are forced to take a detour down an old stone paved street. One nun looks around and says to the other, “I don’t think I’ve ever come this way before.”

And the oth...

Hell, Michigan

Roads in the state of Michigan were in terrible shape due to weather and wear, but no are suffered more than the little town of Hell- a tourist trap that depended on traffic for income.

The mayor of Hell began to research potential repairs for their roads. One interested party was a man name...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alan Titchmarsh told this joke at my graduation

A wife and husband lived in a house with a horrible garden.

Every day the wife would stare out her kitchen window at the garden and sigh. She wanted water features and flower beds put in, and a paved area to eat alfresco on.

Every day she would turn to her husband and say ‘darling pl...

A priest and a lawyer

A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven.

Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them.

"Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new ...

I’m very successful but I have my humble upbringing to thank

For example my father was just a blue collar road worker...but he really paved the way

An enormously popular and beloved Pope, after a long reign, dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

The pope, having always loved the bible, decides that he wants to read all of the original records of God's communications with humanity before they were re...

"I am the young brother, let me through"

A man rushed to a gathering at an accident scene. Unable to see the victim because of the crowd the man said,"I am the young brother, let me through" The crowd looked at the man & paved the way silently.At the centre lay a donkey which had been hit by a car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and Uncle Angus

An American named Bob discovers that he has a long-lost Irish uncle named Angus. Bob travels to Ireland to visit Uncle Angus. They are sitting on the porch of Angus's cottage that evening, looking down on the village at the base of the tall hill Angus lives on.

Bob turns to Uncle Angus and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] I visited my uncle Garry...

My uncle Garry has done a lot of things in his lifetime, he’s something of a ‘jack-of-all-trades, and he told me the biggest problem with doing so much is never being appreciated for just one thing.

We were walking through the town and Garry pointed to a barn, he said “I built that barn over ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

Satan was severely depressed.

Fewer and fewer souls each new year were coming to hell and it was soon becoming quite empty. So Satan hired an analyst to find out what was going wrong. The analyst traveled all over hell, interviewed lesser demons, and surveyed the experiences of tortured souls, taking notes here and there. A week...

Ambush!

It was a beautiful day. The most beautiful of days some would argue. No one could possibly imagine anything could go wrong on such a day as this. The sun was out early, birds could be heard chirping in the trees. The sky was blue not a cloud in sight.

So our hero decides to invite his best f...

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