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Altar Boy Jokes

Altar boy goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm su...

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An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...

Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".

Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"

The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"

What do wine and altar boys have in common?

Catholic priests like them aged eight years

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A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."

So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet...

How do you get a Nun pregnant?

Dress her as an altar boy

The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing two meters away,

"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?"

The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows.
"I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?"

"No, I can't hear anything from here, Father."

"What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?"

The altar...

Why do Priests screw altar boys

Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god

"This body is a temple," said the altar boy,

" Only preists can enter it."

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing...

A priest, a bishop, and an altar boy are out fishing on a lake. While they're relaxing and shooting the breeze, the priest accidentally drops his fishing pole into the water.

"No worries," says the priest. "I've got this."

He climbs out of the boat, steps onto the lake surface, and wal...

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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

What did the altar boy say when he was in the shower?

"I got Pope in my eyes!"

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

Altar boys are a bit like Jesus.

They're being nailed.

Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church.

They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

Why does McDonalds like to hire altar boys?

Because if you can turn on a priest, you can turn on a fryer.

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So when I was an altar boy when I was a kid...

...and its not all that you'd think it would be. Contrary to popular belief, an aletrboy's true purpose is to put up with the priests shit, and to pick up the slack when he drops the ball. Anyway, one day I was sweeping the chapel floor when i heard somebody whisper my name. I looked around and saw ...

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!”

Nine of the priests turn around and b...

As a child my priest traumatized me.

He cheated on me with another altar boy.

Why was baby shark not allowed to be an altar boy?

Because its mouth has too many teeth to doo doo doo.

When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys...

I was touched...

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Why do priests have sex with altar boys?

Otherwise, they're getting nun.

A meeting between all Catholic priests was held the other day, but the topic of altar boys was never brought up.

I guess they’ll touch on that later.

An altar boy goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

To which the priest replies "No need to be so formal. Just call me Daddy."

How did the eager young altar boy get the holy water ready for the priest?

He boiled the hell out of it.

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An altar boy takes over hearing confessions...

A priest is hearing confessions one Sunday. So a man sits down in the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, I jacked off three times." The priest says, "It's ok, my son, it happens to us all. Just say three Hail Marys and three Our Fathers." Then the next man comes in and says "Forgive me Fathe...

Two nuns at a Catholic Church

Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.

On an unrelated note, they dressed up as altar boys for Halloween.

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

What's the hardest part about a priest and an altar boy doing their ceremony?

Keeping a straight face.

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One morning a man came into the church on crutches

He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
...

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What's the easiest way to lose your virginity?

Be an altar boy.

The pope was recently tugged against his own will

Now he knows what it feels like to be an altar boy.

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A priest asks a custodian to watch the confessional booth while he takes a piss..

While the custodian is quietly waiting, a beautiful, long-legged blonde walks into the booth. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned it has been 1 month since my last confession, and I have given a blowjob!" The janitor isn't sure what the priest would tell her to do so he pops his head out t...

What do Mike Piazza, and an altar boy have in common?

They were both catchers for the Padres.

A Man Is Driving Down a Highway, When He Sees a Priest Hitchhiking

So, being a good catholic, he picks him up. They drive a bit further down the highway, when the man then spots a well-known lawyer hitchhiking as well. Remembering that this man represented his ex wife during their divorce, an impulse of anger causes him to aim his car right at the lawyer. He then r...

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A priest is taking confessions...

in the confession booth, and he desperately needs to take a bathroom break, however the queue outside the booth of confessing sinners is building and he really doesn't want to delay any further.

Thankfully, with him is a young deacon in training, so the priest whispers to him,
"listen, I ...

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A priest is running late for an appointment

so he asks the altar boy to help him with the confessions.

"If someone comes for a confession, go to the confessional and pretend to be me. When they tell you their sin look it up on this reference book and tell them their penance"


Now that the altar boy is in charge a girl comes ...

A Catholic kid goes into confession...

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“Yes, son, what did you do?”

“I cannot say.”

“You must confess, or I cannot give you absolution.”

“Well, Father, I had relations with a young girl.”

“I will forgive you. But who was the young girl?”

“Sorry, Father, I...

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

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Wholesome Sunday joke

A young altar boy is running late for service. To save time, he puts on his robes before getting on his bike and pedaling like mad for the church. In his rush, he doesn't look both ways at an intersection and is struck by oncoming traffic.

The altar boy is thrown from his bike and into a ditc...

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The confessional.

There was a parish church in a secluded village. The village feast was coming and usually it gets very busy. The only priest, fr.steve, responsable for the church was getting old and decided he needed help for this one.

So he got a young new priest to help him from the priest college.
...

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It's a Sunday morning and a priest realizes he was supposed to go golfing

He goes to the janitor and says "listen, i know this is highly unusual, but i have to leave. Could you cover confession for me?"

The janitor agrees so the priest writes a list of common sins and their respective pennances.

Once in the booth, a man comes in and says he committed adulter...

A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding...

the priest sees an altar boy, and says, "man I'd really like to screw him." The rabbi responds by saying, "out of what?"

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The lost cock

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass...

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A priest is in the confession booth...

A priest is in the confession booth listening to people confess their sins, when suddenly he feels the urge to drop a Deuteronomy. He knew right away that this was going to be a bowel movement of biblical proportions, and sweared to God that he would never eat Devil's food cake again. He opened the ...

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In Catholicism, you can only have sex with your partner when you are married. So if priests are married to God, they can have sex with God.

And sometimes they cheat on God with altar boys.

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So this new priest is filling in....

So this new priest is filling in while the regular one is on vacation.

He has a list of penances he can give out during confession.

The first few confessions are easy. Ten hail Mary's for cheating on a test, 15 our fathers for forgetting lying, etc.

Then a woman comes in and co...

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I am so ugly that..

I have been working as an altar boy for more than a year, and I am still a virgin

Easter mass

Easter was was very traditional this year the priests and bishops came, the altar boys didn’t say anything, and when the service was over the priests went to a different church.

Nobody is more blessed

Then the popes altar boy with allergies

What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves horizontally and vertically.
A bishop molests altar boys.

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A priest is in the confessional hearing confession...

...when he realizes he really has to go to the bathroom. So, in between sessions, he sneaks out of the confessional. He finds an altar boy and says, "Johnny, I need you to take over for me. It's really easy. Just listen to their confession, and then tell them to do some Hail Marys and Our Fathers."<...

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A Rabbi goes to church to visit a friend who is a priest...(long)

He is waiting around for the priest, just hanging out by the pews, when a young woman comes into the church, and goes into the confessional.

The Rabbi thinks to himself that he dose not want to wait around longer for the the priest, and taking confessions can't be that difficult, so he slip...

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One my Dad used to tell, not sure if it's well known.

A local bum, for the laugh, wanders into a catholic church during mass one day, shouting "I'm Jesus Christ! I'm Jesus Christ!" The priest tells the altar boys to give him a fiver, get rid of him.

The bum thinks 'this is fantastic, off to the church of Ireland next!' Once again, he staggers i...

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A Catholic priest is on vacation so a substitute priest from another parish hears confession.

A Catholic priest is on vacation so a substitute priest from another parish hears confession.

A young woman comes into the confessional box and says:
*"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I lied and also missed the Sunday Mass two times."*

The father answers:
*"Pray three Hail Ma...

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A priest is doing confessional and really has to go to the bathroom.

While he's in between people, he notices the janitor outside the confessional booth.



**Priest:** "Hey John, come sit in here for me for a second while I use the restroom, please."



**John the janitor:** "Yes Father, no problem."



As the janitor is waiti...

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