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Your Brain Jokes

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in

Me: Thanks for reminding me

Your brain isn't real.

It's in your head.

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I had to make a tough decision. I asked my wife, "Can I pick your brain?"

She said, "You can… but I'm surprised you wouldn't pick my tits."

What’s the difference between your brain and your body?

We WANT our brains to be wrinkly

I recently heard about a study that said that all the so-called “brain food”s don’t actually help your brain at all: It’s all just pseudoscience.

Food for thought.

Your brain has two sides: left and right.

Your left brain has nothing right.
Your right brain has nothing left.

I can make you see your brain!

That's just how eye-roll.

If your brain was dynamite,

there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

Did you know that your brain controls all your thoughts?

Really makes you think.

Which region of your brain is always worried about watching it’s weight?

The hippocampus

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The te...

Studies show that keeping tropical fish at home has a calming effect on your brain.

It’s because of all the indoor fins.

As the blood from your brain rushes down into your erection

Everything in the middle gets stuck between a rock and a hard place

The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music!” I gasped, “Yikes! What’s The Cure?!”

He yowled, “Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!”

Why did the zombie not eat your brain?

Because he doesn't eat junk food.

A nun is standing outside a pub...

...and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:

"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"

The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, ...

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You heard your teeth and jaw could bite your fingers off as easily as carrots but your brain blocks it.

Just try not to think of that during your next blowjob.

I heard that you only use like 10% of your brain.

That leaves what, 82-83%?

I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.

Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it'

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Three guys are talking about the best bars ever.

First guys says, I know a bar where you order a drink and the next one's free.
Second guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and next two are free.
Third guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and they take you out back and fuck your brains out. One guy asks, Where is this ba...

After every president’s annual physical, the doctor always delivers the same news.

“Mr. President, the good news is that you have both sides of your brain. The bad news is that on the left side, nothing is right; and on the right side, nothing is left.”

watching tv with my dad

We were watching the commercials and I said these commercials are brainwashing us, our brains are like hard drives and they store all this information, then my dad said "when you get old your brain turns into a soft drive"

An Englishman goes to see a doctor...

An Englishman goes to the doctor and says "please doc, I really, really want to be Irish"
The doctor replies "I can definitely do it but I'll need to cut out half your brain"
"That's fine doc - whatever you need to do, please just make me Irish" the Englishman responds.
After the surgery, t...

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John goes to the doctor to fix his stutter…

John: d-d-doctor I g-got a r-real bbbbaddd s-stutter. Then the doctor says to pull down his pants.So John pulls down his pants
The doctor exclaims “you’re penis is huge it’s cutting off circulation from your brain causing the stutter!
John: W-w-what do we do now?
The doctor tells John that...

We all know that Barney the Dinosaur is a LOVABLE PURPLE DINOSAUR.

In ancient Rome, there was no letter U, so they used a V instead, making Barney a LOVABLE PVRPLE DINOSAVR.

Now eliminate all the letters that are not Roman numerals. We are left with LVL VL DIV.

Next, let's refresh your brain. I=1, V=5, L=50, D=500.

When we add it all up, we get...

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A man went to the doctor to complain about his migraines.

Man: So doc, what’s the problem?

Dr. Well, after examination we’ve found out that we would need to castrate you.

Man: (surprised) What? Why? What does that have to do with my migraines?

Dr. You see the blood vessels in your penis gets bunched up and hence it constricts blood flo...

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Walking in on my son

Last night I entered my son's bedroom without knocking and I caught him watching something no parent wants his young kid to watch.

The Kardashians.

I did my best to hide my disgust and considered it a great opportunity to have a one on one with him. I sat down next to him, closed his...

What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it?

Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)

President Trump goes to his doctor to get a prescription for hydroxychloroquine.

He asks his doctor, "Doctor, I heard that this medicine is bad for your heart."
His doctor replies, "Don't worry, you don't have a heart, so it can't affect you."
President Trump thinks about it for a moment, feels relieved, and agrees.




He then asks, "Doctor, I h...

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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wif...

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

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Happy anniversary dear

Man and wife sitting at the dinner table celebrating their 50th anniversary.


Wife asks him "what do you remember about when we first met?"


Man says "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."


Wife, shocked, says "well what do you think now?"

...

Lincoln, Do the Thing!!! (4th of July Joke)

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking and eating and just generally having a grand ol' time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.

W: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
...

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A Halloween tale of horror

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. With Halloween coming up they start talking about things that scared them when they were kids. "When I was a kid, my brother told me that earwigs actually lived in your ears and crawled inside to eat your brains. And I believed him," he tells the barten...

Marilyn Monroe suggests to Albert Einstein : "If you and I were to marry, our kids will be the smartest and most beautiful in all the world."

Einstein: "What if they get my looks and your brain?"

Teacher and Student

Teacher: Can you see god?


Student: No.


Teacher: Can you touch god?


Student: No.


Teacher: Then there is no god!


------5 minutes later, the student raises his hand-----


Student asks teacher: Can you see your brain?


Teacher: N...

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

What was the cannibal's goto pickup line?

Mind if I pick your brain.

A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp...

Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling?

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.

Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

I've always found lobotomists to be some of the most curious, engaged conversationalists

They jump at any opportunity to pick your brain.

There was this guy living in Ireland who wanted to have the operation to become Irish

He had lived in Ireland for about 10 years and loved the place and its people so he went to the doctor and said he wanted to have the operation to become Irish.

The doctor warned him saying “This is very dangerous, I have to remove half your brain”.

The guy was very adamant and said ...

From my late Polish grandpa

A man moved to a Polish neighborhood in Chicago, and fell in love with the community because everyone was so nice, happy and good looking.

Upon his next doctor’s visit, he asked, “Doctor, how do I become Polish? Everyone is so nice, happy and good looking.”

“Easy!” his doctor responde...

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You should never suppress a fart.

It moves up the spine till it reaches your brain.
That's where shit ideas come from.

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Man walks into a singles bar...

A man walks into a single bar looking for some action. He orders a drink and sees a gorgeous woman sitting at the bar , extremely well dressed sexy but classy.

He goes up to and says "hi.." and before he can try his chat up lines she looks him up and down and says "I don't care what your name...

An Englishman wants to transform into an Irish.

He inquires the expert doctor about alternatives.

**Doc**: "We will have to remove the right half of your brain."

**Patient**: "Alright. Let's go through with it."

(The next day, after the procedure...)

**Doc**: "There were serious complications during the operation.
<...

I have a conspiracy theory...

The government is spreading false rumors that aluminum-foil hats protect your brain from being scanned. aluminum foil is actually an antenna that allows them to get a better signal.

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Two men were arrested and brought to court for doing drugs

After questioning them, the judge said, "Since you seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you guys a second chance instead of jail time, on a few conditions. You must agree to quit drugs yourselves, and you must also go out and try to persuade as many people as you can to quit drugs in the next ...

Where's the brain located?

A reporter conducts a series of interviews on three teenagers to determine how intelligent the youth of today is. He starts his first interview. "Can you locate your brain?" The teenager points at his elbow and says "Here." The reporter says "Wrong!' and dismisses him.

He starts his second in...

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A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
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