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Whaddaya Jokes

Whaddaya get

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?



Ans.:
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog!

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

"Bullshit!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop...

Whaddaya call a blind nun?

A roamin' catholic.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

One of the smarter jokes I've picked up...

An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland a...

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Sometimes Jackson Pollock would make paintings by ejaculating all over the canvas.

Whaddaya know, the cock could doodle too.

The biggest problem in the world these days is apathy

Well, whaddaya gonna do about it...

Waiting on God

There once was an old lady, with 3 grown sons, who was losing her house. She told them, "Don't worry, boys, I've been praying and the Lord will come through for me!"

The next day, one son wins the lottery. She's happy for him, but she won't accept any money to save the house. She says, "I'm...

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A hillbilly missed the first day of his deductive reasoning class...

...so he goes to the professor to get the gist of what he missed.

Professor: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a lawn mower?"

Hillbilly: "Yea I do."

P: "From that fact, I can guess that you have a lawn in which to use your lawn mower.".

H: "Well I'll be..."
...

A Rabbi and a Catholic priest are driving down the road...

when they happen to see this young boy walking down the sidewalk. The priest leans over to the Rabbi and says. "Hey Rabbi...whaddaya say we screw this little boy?" The Rabbi looks back at him, slightly confused, and asks "Out of what?"

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Trump and Cruz in a bar

A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman,
'Hey, ain't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?'


The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'



So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, what an honor!
What are you guys doing in here?'



Trump says, 'We're plann...

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Donald Trump visited the White House doctor...

**Trump:** I got a problem doc, my penis has turned orange!!

**Dr Jackson:** Sounds bad. I better take a look.

**Trump:** (drops his shorts) Bad enough my face is orange but if this gets out I'm sunk with the ladies....whaddaya think, doc?.

**Dr Jackson:** (takes a look) Yep,...

A government agent is sent to a village

A government agent is sent to a small English village where there are reports of multiple deaths from tainted pharmaceuticals.

The villagers are unaware of the cause, but are nonetheless worried and ask the agent who is responsible for these deaths around the village.

The agent tells t...

Three Beers

A soldier, Mikey, has just been re-located to a new small town to serve. He decides he needs a drink and wanders over to the local pub.

Mikey has a seat and the bartender strolls over, "What'll it be, boy?"

Mikey replies, "3 beers, please."

Bartender pours the 3 beers and brings...

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A tale of two brothers.

One brother is 8, the other is 6. One day the 8 year old decides they're going to be "men" and start cursing in front of people. They're up in their room before breakfast, and the 8 year old talks the 6 year old into it:

8YO: Okay, when we get down to breakfast, you say "ass" and I say "hell"...

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A pirate come back from sea...

He stops at the barber for a trim on his beard. The barber is aghast at the sight of the pirate.
Barber : What happened to you??? When you left you were fine but now look at you!!
Pirate: Whaddaya mean to say?
Barber: You got a wooden leg now, when you left you had both legs...
Pirate: ...

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

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