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Usain Bolt Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain can finish a race

What will Usain Bolt become when he dies?

A dead bolt.

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course” ...

One day, I walked into my kitchen and saw Usain Bolt there, cooking away…

I asked him, “What Jamaican?”

Usain Bolt

Why can't usain bolt listen to music?
- Because he broke the record!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

Usain Bolt lands at an airport

his plane lands 10 minutes later.

Many women find Usain Bolt attractive?

So, being fast is a good thing now?

A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.

I guess it's a running joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

Why can’t you tell usain bolt a joke?

He’ll beat you to the punch line

Did you hear about the guy who broke all of Usain Bolt's records?

Completely destroyed his precious vinyl collection.

If Bill Gates eats American food and Ghandi eats Indian food, what food does Usain Bolt eat?

fast food

When Usain Bolt finishes in 9 seconds the world celebrates

But when I do it my girlfriend gets disappointed...

Why is usain bolt so dark?

He's so fast, even light cannot catch him

I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road!?"

It was a running joke.

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me our sex life is like Usain bolt when he runs…

In the sense that I finish in 9.58 seconds

If Usain Bolt was an electrician...

His name would be Usain Volt

usain bolt

usain bolt, the fastest man in the world, can run almost 30mph. that means if were to run in a neighborhood, he could get pulled over by the cops...for being black.

I heard Usain Bolt is joining a band

Turbonegro

Usain bolt must be a fruit

Have you seen that mango

(hopefully OC)

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

I once heard a story about Usain Bolt’s tendency to be a womanizer

They said he really gets around

what's it called when a white man performs better then usain bolt?

whitening bolt.

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

I heard Usain Bolt once won a race while resting.

He was fast asleep.

I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift.

He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'

Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

Usain Bolt is like a Police Officer

He starts off following black men, then catches up and beats them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?

A runner in scoring position.

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

Did you hear about the woman who beat Usain Bolt?

Turns out it was race related.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

The big race

It was the day of the big race. Usain Bolt was going to run against a cheetah, the world's fastest animal, capable of reaching speeds of up to 70 mph!

People knew Usain didn't stand a chance, but watched anyway. At last, they were off, and in a matter of seconds the race was over - amazingly...

What’s brown and sticky?

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

What’s pink and slippery?

A pink slipper.

What’s brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

Aptronym is a personal name aptly or peculiarly suited to its owner.

Some famous examples of peoples whose name accurately describes them.
Usain Bolt- Jamaican sprinter.
Margaret Court- Australian tennis player.
Josh Outman- baseball pitcher.
Novak Djokovic - vaccine dodger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

I broke the world record.

Yes. I passed Usain Bolt and finished it in 9.7 seconds. But why isn't my wife happy?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cute roommate and I are stuck in quarantine, sitting on the couch watching Netflix. [NSFW]

"I really want to watch this documentary on this Olympic runner," she says. "But fair warning: the guy is so attractive, I might not be able to stop myself from masturbating."


"Usain Bolt?" I asked.


"No, I'm saying stay..."

A doctor was visiting a patient

She asked him 'doctor am I going to die?'
Out of pity the doctor told her the truth, 'we are all dying slowly, some just faster than others.'
The patient said, 'how fast am I dying.'
The doctor leaned over and said 'you are the usain bolt of dying.'

Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home!

Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.

Who is faster?

Usain Bolt in the 100m finals or Ryan Lochte running through the airport to catch his flight out of Brazil?

Three men are sitting on a hill...

They decide to have a competition. The goal is to throw your watch up in the air, run down the hill, and catch it.
The first man prepares himself and throws up his watch. He runs as fast as he can down the hill, but the watch gets there before he does.
The second man (who is much faster than...

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