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The Police Jokes

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

What's the police's favorite gaming console?

WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

How did the hacker get away from the police?

He ransomware.

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

I got pulled over by the police ...

He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then aske...

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked


"Very critical," replied the officer


"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets pulled over by the police...

The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No I don't officer," he replies

"You were speeding. That's going to be big ticket in this area."

"Well, you caught me, and while I'm at it, I might as well be honest with you. I have a dead body in the trunk along with some...

A juggler, and the police....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler ge...

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are ~~German~~ American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

My wife was just in a minor accident. She's told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time

But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer: "What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm. 4.

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm. 10.

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm. I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home ...

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally

caught him by the organ.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?

A seasoned veteran.

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

Breaking News: There was a break in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen.

The police have nothing to go on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?

They could see the joint in his hand.

In Soviet Russia, a man calls the police.

"Comrade commissar, I want to report that my parrot escaped."

"Comrade, we have more important things to do than look for your parrot!" answers the policeman.

"I am not expecting you to find him, comrade, I just want you to know that I don't share his opinions!"

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Late at night a divorced man has a phone call from the police station.

They tell him that he should show up because his ex-wife was arrested. So the man goes to the police station and finds her ex-wife there with the police.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he says.

The police chief gestures to the ex-wife to explain it.

"Nothing," she says. "You know when we ...

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man staggers into the police station piss drunk...

... at 3 in the morning and tells the officer on duty, "I'd like to have a word with that son of a bitch you'll arrested who broke into our house last week."

Sensing trouble, the officer informs him that this is against police policy and would not be possible.

"You don't understand," s...

How is chocolate like the police?

They’ll kill your dog.

Why did the police officer get suspended?

Beats me.

WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars

The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect

Why did the police department raid Santa's workshop?

They had probable Clause

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

Why did the book join the police?

He wanted to go undercover

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls the police, upset that his house has been broken into, and his toilet used.

The owner says that nothing has been stolen, and the police officer finds no signs of forced entry. "Why exactly did you call the police?" he asks.

The owner takes the officer into the bathroom and shows him the toilet bowl. "What do you see?" he asks. "A turd," says the officer.

"Exac...

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

My wife's been missing for a week and the police said to prepare for the worst.....

...so I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

Layer at the police station: "I won't say anything without my lawyer present. "

Police officer: "YOU ARE THE LAWYER!"

Lawyer: "Yes, I know, so where's my present?"

If the police arrest a mime,

do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

My baby nephew got apprehended by the police after refusing his usual naptime

He was resisting a rest

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Why did the police chief assign the epileptic cop to K9 patrol?

They made a perfect team. The K9 did the searches and the cop did the seizures!

The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don't even have bikes

Why did the corn call the police?

Because it got stalked!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

Why couldn’t the police catch Jack the Ripper?

Because they were a rock band and not detectives.

A Blonde decides she want to join the police...

She goes down to her local station & starts applies to join.


The Sergeant calls her over & says, 'before you join, I need to ask you a few questions'


1st Question: 'What's 2+2?'


Blonde says: 'that's easy 4'


2nd qstn: 'What the square root o...

The police are looking for a man with one arm named Luke.

What's the name of the other arm?

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

The police took my phone

It was charged with battery

the police called me

They told me they found my husband's body in the lake.

Thats great and all, but I didnt put the body there.

Did you hear about the insomniac the police detained?

They were charged with resisting a rest.

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing some fella on a bike.

I said fuck off my dog ain't even got a bike.

Tom went to the Police Station

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said Tom. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do th...

A man got brought to the police station for questioning

When the police asked if he had anything to say for himself he said, "I am the son of two world famous artists you can't do this to me” so the cops apologize and say "you are Frida Gogh”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them.

I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

Robocop lost his job on the Police force..

He's found new employment advertising for a barber shop

Shave now.. or there will be stubble

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

What did the police find after dusting Chris Rocks face after the show?

Fresh Prince

The police are saying I "assaulted" some guy with a sheet of sandpaper.

But I only roughed him up a bit.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

I heard on the news that there is a guy stealing tires from police cars.

I understand the police are working tirelessly to solve the crime.

People hate the police so much these days...

...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."

Why did the police search Dr. Huxtable’s vehicle?

They had probable Cosby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy phones the Police.

(OC)
Guy: I have crashed my car, I have been drinking heavily and I have taken some drugs..

Police: Okay, calm down Sir, so can you give me your location?

Guy: Wouldn't you like to know, now fuck off...

The police arrested 2 kids today

One was eating batteries and the second was eating fireworks

They charged the first one and let the other off

Why does the police officer get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds.

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

Why did the police let Van Gogh?

He had an eartight alibi

Why did the police man arrest the duck.

Because he was selling quack.

why did the coffee go to the police

because it got mugged

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

The Pope and the Police

Once, while travelling, the pope was bored.
He turned to the chauffeur and said "Why don't you let me have a go? I've never driven before, it looks fun!"

The chauffeur was not overly enthusiastic but he reluctantly swapped places.
The pope started enjoying himself, and decided to find o...

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

What did the police officer say to the criminal hiding under the bed?

“You’re under rest”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied to the police academy

The academy head approached me "I am afraid I have to decline your application".

"What's the problem?"

"Your family history. Specifically your mother and father."

"My parents are happily married."

"That's the problem. All cops are bastards."

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

I was being followed last night, so I drove all the way to the police station.

"Well done for handing yourself in," said the officer. "You gave us a good chase."

The police raided the kitchen of a restaurant where the chef was preparing Eggs Benedict

He was arrested for poaching.

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.

Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.

Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.

Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the ca...

Why did Dolly Parton get pulled over by the police on her way to work?

.




.


She was going 9-to-5 (mph)!

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

The police said they’d arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes.

I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man being killed by the police?

A warning shot.

A snail went to the police station

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged

When he got to the front desk he said

“ excuse me officer but I have been mugged by 2 tortoises “”

The officer said

“ can you describe the incident “

The snail said

“ no officer sorry , ...

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

Did you hear about the peanut that walked into the police station?

It claims it was a salted.

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

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