Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

How did the computer hacker escape the police?

He just ransomeware....

The toilet was stolen from the police station.

The cops have nothing to go on.

An elderly woman phoned the police and said she saw her neighbour, naked walking around his bedroom with blinds open.

Police turn up and says to her, sorry madam, but you cannot even see his bedroom, there is a fence and a bush blocking the view.

She replies, you can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.

After considering it for weeks, I finally decided to turn myself into the police.

It really wasn't worth it. Scaring people and stealing their drugs was fun, but getting busted for impersonation sucked.

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am pretty sure the police shot the necrophile

Last I heard, he was fucking dead

A woman reports her husband’s disappearance to the police...

A woman reports her husband’s disappearance to the police. They ask her for a description, and she says, “He’s six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair.”

Her friend says, “What are you talking about? Your husband is five-feet-four, bald, and has a huge belly.”

An...

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally

caught him by the organ.

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the bac...

Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Chief radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.

The Sgt. at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Chief calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time..." Sarge is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" Chief said not yet. Sarge asked what the hell he's waiting for. Chief radios back...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

A drug addict calls the police to report something interesting

The police officer, interested, asks. "What is it?"

The addict responds. "Okay, I-"

The officer interrupts, quickly making sure they're not on drugs "You're sober right now, right?"

"Yes, this happened when I was sober too."

All seems okay to this point. "Okay, go on."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the police to report sexual harassment in the work place by a group of horny work colleagues.

He's a zoo keeper in the rhino enclosure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man drives into a traffic stop by the police...

As soon as he stops a police officer is walking up to the man's car and asks him to roll down the window.
Police Officer: Good evening Sir! May I see your driver's license and registration?
The Man: Yes sure Officer.
As the man hands over his papers he asks the Officer:
Why are you ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets pulled over by the police…

And while the officer is questioning the man, the man notices that the officer is being bothered by a fly.

Man: “it looks like you got yourself a circle fly.”

Officer: “Circle fly? I’ve never heard of a circle fly before.”

M: “they’re the flys that circle around a horse’s ass.”<...

I told the police I just witnessed a man jump from an apartment balcony.

"What floor?" they asked.

"He's on the ground floor," I replied.

Why didn’t the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

What's the difference between the police officer and a bullet?

The bullet only hits you once.

Why did the police officer arrest the disco dancer?

Because he was killing the dance floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know, everyone says defund the police… but I don’t think that’s necessary…

They haven’t put an album out in years!

Why did the police man arrest the duck.

Because he was selling quack.

Jim and Bob were at the pub when Jim says "Some prick stole my credit card the other day" Bob replies "Did you report it to the police?" Jim says "I was going to but I dont' think I will" Bob replies "Why on earth not?"

Jim Then Says "Well The Thief Appears To Be Spending Less Than What My Wife Does".

I was pulled over by the police for a suspected DUI. They ask me to get out of my car.

Officer: We Are Going To Give You A Sobriety Test.
Me: OK

Officer: Say The Alphabet Starting At L, Backward.

Me: L At Starting Alphabet The.

They Let Me Go.

The Pope and the Police

Once, while travelling, the pope was bored.
He turned to the chauffeur and said "Why don't you let me have a go? I've never driven before, it looks fun!"

The chauffeur was not overly enthusiastic but he reluctantly swapped places.
The pope started enjoying himself, and decided to find o...

A man runs into the police station one day saying he witnessed a murder.

The police quickly follow him to a field, expecting to see a body, but all they see is a crow.

The man says “There was definitely more than one crow here”

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got B...

Why do the police always get to the protests early?

To beat the crowd

A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said

I don't know, it happened so fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police almost arrested a man for wanking to a caution sign

But he got off with a warning

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

What’s the similarity between the police and a bikini?

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.

An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

My house was burgled the other night. When the police arrived, they asked me, “Did you happen to see, or can you tell us anything about, the burglar?” “Well... it was rather dark,” I replied.

The police officer says, “Okay… and how tall was it?”

I don't think he understood me very well.

The police were called to a local playground

The police were called to a local playground with reports of hundreds of chickens running wild there.

They thought it was a prank call at first, but now they suspect fowl play.

What do the police do if you steal soup?

They arrestew.

The police bring a phone to the station for questioning. They soon find out his shocking crime.

He was charged in connection with battery.

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

Last two years I spent time impersonating a Federal Agent. Nobody gave me trouble when they saw me, including the police.

Then I turned 8 and decided I wanted to be an astronaut instead.

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him.

His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment.

What did one robot say to the other after they got arrested by the police?

"At least we got charged."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

What did the police say to the man who impulsively sold his house?

"No sudden moves!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the police have a new slogan.

So the police in my area have a new slogan that they altered from the post office. Rain nor shine nor sleet or hail will keep your ass out of jail.

Why’d the Jedi get charged with police brutality shortly after joining the police academy?

He used excessive force

The police just stopped by and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

I didn’t even know my dogs had bikes.

What did the police say about the hair stylist turned super villain?

Their evil plans were dye-a-follicle.

Why did the police catch the murder of the geometry teacher?

They investigated it from all angles

What’s the difference between the police and a bullet?

At least when a bullet kills someone, it’s fired

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a drive when they are stopped by the police.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" demands the cop. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I knew where I was."

The cop sniffs, then opens the trunk and says "And do you know there is a dead cat in here?". "Well, I do *now*!" Schrodinger scowls.

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police arrive to find two Irishmen with a dead Pakistani.

The Police ask, “Do you know how this man died?”
The Irishmen reply, “No we don’t know anything about the man!”
The police then ask, “Do you know what his name was?”
The Irishmen reply again, and they say “I told you I don’t know anything about the man! We just went drinking with him a lot ...

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been c...

What happened to the heart after it was tased by the police?

It was put under cardiac arrest.

Did you hear about the man who was run over by the police?

He was arrested under suspension of law.

What did the police do when Johnny Cash got arrested?

They made him walk the line.

I got arrested by the police

This is so ridiculous, i just wanted to help someone who forgot a pack of flour

Why didn't the police respond quickly to the Capitol incident?

They thought everything was all white

A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces.

Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:

If you’re arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?

The police are trying to say I "assaulted" this geezer with a sheet of sandpaper!

But all I did was rough him up a bit.

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

Why did the police arrest the crow?

They had probable caws.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family brain storming of dad jokes, feedback wanted.... why didn't the fly like the police?

Because of the SWAT.

#2 What did the therapist mug say to the cup?

You need to get a handle on that.

A serial killer was celebrating his cake day when he was nabbed by the police.

As he was escorted, he heard a voice shouted, “I’ve told you karma will come to bite you!”

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

So my wife went missing. I went to the police to report her disappearance...

The policeman asked “What is she wearing?”
I replied “I don’t recall”.
The policeman asked “What is her height?”
I replied “Average”.
The policeman asked “Weight?”
I replied “Who knows?”
The policeman asked “Hair colour?”
I replied “Mmm what month ar...

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

What did the police officer say to the pig thief?

Come out with your hams up!

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what ...

The police are looking for a fortune teller with dwarfism.

The small medium is at large.

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

I saw two ducks getting arrested. I asked the police officer why were they arresting them?

He told me that they were selling quack

People hate the police so much these days...

...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."

I was interviewed by the police today and I said "no comment" to every question

I find out next week whether I got the job

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...

The police caught a person erasing people's criminal records

They said he was a real pro for a first offender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

What's the police's favorite gaming console?

WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

I don’t understand all this hate towards the police...

...I mean they’re an amazing band.

the police officer said to joe, " we have found your wife cut into pieces, the arms, the legs and the torso, We are sorry for your loss."





"so no head?" joe replied

Someone threw part of a brick through my front window. The police couldn’t do anything though

They said there wasn’t enough concrete evidence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy driving his car is on his way to the city center when he gets stopped by the police

"I'm sorry sir you can't go through here we blocked the road."

"Oh come on!" The guy replies, "I need to be there!"

"Apologies sir, nobody gets in or out of the center, we are searching for a serial-rapist!"

The guy's eyes widen, "Really??" And he drives off.

About 15 min...

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park?

- For busting a nut in public view

A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are running from the police, and so they head into a farmer’s barn down the street

They open the doors and all hop into potato sacks, and wait.

The Police come in, to see the sacks laying on the ground. The Police officer kicks the first bag, and the redhead goes “MEOW MEOW” “Hm. Must be a cat”. He goes to the second sack and kicks it and the brunette goes “Woof Woof” “Hm....

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts.

Currently the police have nothing to go on

Did you hear about the 4-foot tall psychic who ran away from the police?

The small medium is at large.

Karen calls the police due to a blackout in her neighborhood

Karen: Excuse me, there's a black out in my neighborhood!

Police: Call Centerpoint Energy.

Karen: You don't understand, he's still here!

The police were called to a crime scene.

They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.

She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"

Cop "How many times did you hit him?

Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked


"Very critical," replied the officer


"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

Mr. Heisenberg was driving too fast on a road when he suddenly got stopped by a police. Heisenberg asked the following "Is anything wrong, officer?" which the police replied with "Are you out of your mind? You were driving 250 kilometers per hour!"

To that Mr. Heisenberg said "Aw damn it! Now I don't know where I am!"

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Why does the police officer hold the baton in his left hand

Because the customer is always right

The police asked me if I could identify the man from the lineup, so I looked at them one by one.

"Yes," I said, "they're all men."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just don't understand why black people don't like the police

They have tons of great songs and Sting is a great singer

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

Why did the police show up at a party in Chicago?

They received an Illinoise complaint.

Out of towner gets stopped by the police

as the policeman was writing him a ticket flies kept circling around the cops head. The out of towner says back in my town we call them circle flies. The cop says why is that? The man responds they like to fly around and around horses asses. The cop says are you calling me a horses ass? The m...

I reported to the police that some thieves had stolen my suitcase. The matter got taken to court. Long story short...

I lost the case.

Did you hear about the police seige at the donut factory robbery?

The bad guys came out with all buns glazing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

Apparently the police have been going to a load of house parties as lockdown rules are getting implemented.

Ridiculous, one rule for us and another for them.

I found a stash of guns in my academy and reported it to the police

Needless to say i was kicked out of the gun academy

How did the police officer find out?

A group of 4 friends were driving home one night through the country road near their home after a late night of partying and debauchery. As they drove through the twisty, poorly lit roads they struck a pig that had escaped its pasture.

Although the pig ran off seemingly with just a limp, the...

What did the new born baby say to the police officer?

I just did 9 months on the inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

A miner gets pulled over by the police while he’s driving

The police office then proceeds to ask him:
“Whose car is this?”
“Where are you headed?”
“What do you do?”

The miner simply responds with: “Mine”.

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

Wife hears a knock on the door...it’s the police:

Police: We regret to inform you your husband died today. It was a work accident.

Wife: Noooo! (Starts crying) whyyyyyy! Please tell me how!!

Police: unfortunately he tripped and drowned at the beer tank of the beer factory were he worked.

Wife: oh my godddd!! What a painful deat...

Hole in the police station wall

Last night I drove past my local Police Station on the way home from work and saw there was a massive hole in side of the building!!!

Police were looking into it.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

What did the police say to the low powered robot ?

"I'm gonna charge you with battery"

Did you hear about the guy who got picked up by the police for carrying a secondary walking stick?

They arrested him for possession of co-cane.

With the new coronavirus outbreak Worldwide, the only people who can get closer than 6 feet to us are the police

So we have to tell them "Don't Stand So Close to Me."

Don't be mad about the police. They risk their life everyday, going out

On another note, so does everyone in the USA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Knock, knock. Who’s there? The Police!

- But I didn’t call the Police! I called for prostitutes!
- We know; your neighbours called!
- So go fuck my neighbours!

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Rangers, the Marines and the Police were doing training...

They all were out in the forest and the secretary of defense said "Listen up, your objective today is go out into the woods and bring me back a rabbit".

The Rangers went first, moving quickly and quietly through the trees. Within 5 minutes they brought back a little white rabbit unharmed....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was stopped by the police for speeding...

A man was stopped by the police for speeding. He told the police, I have a dead body in the trunk. The policeman then proceeds to prepare to take him to the police station when he says, I also have a gram of cocaine in the glove compartment, a bloody knife from a murder under the carpet, and the car...

A stickman, who robbed a bank, was finally caught after being cornered in an alley. The police told him, “hands in the air!”

The stickman: lol

So I heard a lot of protestors are getting bagged by the police...

I guess they'll go to court on Trumped-up charges.

Don't you guys think abolishing The Police is a bit extreme?

At least let them have a farewell tour first.

PSA about the police jokes

I have seen a lot of jokes here recently about police killings and brutality. And I wanted to point out that not all cops are racists. My friend is a cop and I know he isn't a racist because even his wife has a black eye.

If we defund the police...

...does that mean that Sting won’t be able to watch me anymore?

Why are synthetic fibres like the police?

They don't let you breathe.

How is the NFL like the Police?

Everyone gets heated when someone takes a knee.

Why do people want to defund the Police?

I thought that band retired back in '08??

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police be like "sir, please step out of the vehicle, we're looking for drugs"

No shit, me too... Let's go!

Why are Unhappy Marriages like the Police

They crush the life out of you.

a question about racial issues, concerning the police.

is sting's fake Jamaican accent problematic?

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