UPJOKE
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The Internet Jokes

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.

I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

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I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

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If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn...

They're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

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[NSFW] Did you hear they banned all porn from the internet?

I don't know what this world is cumming to.

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

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I was browsing the internet.

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

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How do you piss off thousands of people on the internet all at once?

[deleted]

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

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I searched the internet for a Rorschach test

but all I found were a bunch of drawings of my room mates having sex

Why did the internet browser get fat?

It accepted all cookies.

Why is Ganondorf afriad of the internet?

There are too many LINKS

English is the lingua franca of the internet, science, aeronautics,

and of using Late Latin phrases concerning an extinct pre-French language to mean "universally spoken".

The internet is amazing

One minute you're at work looking at random webpages; the next, you're at home looking for a new job

On the internet you can be whoever you want,

it’s strange so many people choose to be stupid.

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I read that 30% of the internet is pornography and that really makes me disappointed in humanity...

...70% of the internet is being completely wasted.

I was wondering what my parents did without the internet

and none of my 7 siblings could tell me

The internet should take it easy on Maegan Hall

She’s been roasted enough

What's the most NSFW website on the internet?

osha.gov

Why do yards on the internet look so good?

Because they modem.

i made this up as a kid or seen it on the internet or smth...idk it is funny

3 aliens come down to earth...examining earth and humans on this planet. They wanted to interact with the species so they agreed to split up.

The first alien went to a classroom at a school. He was surrounded by a lot of kids Yelling the word 'ME ME ME' repeatedly as the kids were jumping up...

“The main problem with the internet is that there is no way to validate most facts “

Abraham Lincoln. 1865

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

Why is the internet so bad in outer space?

It’s 0 g

The internet has improved equality

We used to have a very mail-dominated society.

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When it comes to finding incest porn on the internet

I've had relative success

Best advice I ever got on the internet was this:

Don't take advice from some rando on the internet.

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I spent time researching porn on the internet and learned I am a furry...

When I was deep in a rabbit hole.

Everyone on the internet seems to hate vegans, but I don’t really get it.

Personally I’ve ….never had a beef with one.

The people on the internet are so friendly....

One guy called me bro, and he even said my story was cool.

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet just because they quote someone famous.”

— Abraham Lincoln

I was flirting with this teenager on the internet...

...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How cool is that for someone her age?

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

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How it's like being a researcher for pornographic content on the Internet?

It's Hard.

Reddit is definitely not the dump of the internet

Everyone here recycles. :)

The Wife caught me on the Internet last night. She said “ What are you looking for “.?… “Cheap Flights” I said….and she started jumping around all excited like…..

Which I found rather strange,, she’s never shown any interest in darts before.

A man with Dementia tries to write something on the internet

A man with Dementia tries to write something on the internet

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Why are there a lot of grammar nazis on the Internet?

Because English majors can't find jobs!

How do you escape an angry lumberjack on the internet?

You log off

Dogs invented the Internet.

They have used IP protocol long before us.

Mocking anti-vaxxers on the internet these days is like unvaccinated children

It never gets old.

The last time Chuck Norris surfed the internet...

...he finished it.

How do FLIES connect to the internet?

Via WIFLI

Yo mama so fat she doesn't need the internet.

She’s already world-wide.

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

A minister asked me, "Why do we spend hours on the internet but only minutes on our knees?"

I said "Golly!, reverend Keller, my boyfriend can't last that long.

I asked the internet a question but I know the internet doesn't work that way.

So I posted the qrong answer and qaited for responses.

What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet?

A YouTUBER.

There are a lot of scams on the internet...

For a low price of $69 I can show you how to avoid them.

Why don't horses use the internet?

They can't find stable connections.

The internet ruined me

Thanks to the internet, I can no longer use the phrase lollygag in casual conversation.

Why can't the internet dance?

Because it has an Al Gore Rhythm.

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

The only weakness Superman has on the internet is..

krypto-currency

Heaven is where the music is from the 80s, the TV shows are from the 90s, and the internet is from the 2000s.

Hell, meanwhile, is where the music is from the 2000s, the TV shows are from the 80s and the internet is from the 90s.

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Saw this on the Internet today

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

How did pirates communicate before the internet?

Pier to Pier Networking

Posting about Covid-19 on the Internet.....

Seems to have gone viral.

2020 is the most popular year on the internet.

It went viral.

Why do babies want to use the internet?

So they can Google Gaga.

If Al Gore didn't invent the internet

Why do all of the silicon valley companies always talk about Al Gore's rhythm?

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

The internet will never stop making fun of those taking Ivermectin for Covid.

Because the internet loves to beat a dead horse.

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

Time for the biggest joke on the internet!

*sigh*..... me

What did a frog say to the other frog on the internet ?

Reddit

Credit: My 10 yr old Niece.

Do you ever get bored on the internet

and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?

There are so many scams on the internet now days.

Send me $19.95 today and I can tell you how to avoid them.

Spiders should own the internet

After all, they are very talented in web design.

Before the internet…

…did people have to go to libraries to figure out how to do their job?

Why don't lepers use the Internet?

Because they're digitally challenged.

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

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I can't find the pronunciation of fecalysis on the internet.

I guess nobody gives a shit?

Has Kim Kardashian Broken The Internet?

I'm not sure if Kim Kardashian has actually managed to 'break the internet', but she's certainly put a big crack in it!

How do you buy the front page of the internet?

Using your reddit card

Why can't dyslexic people use the internet in China?

Because they get a virus when they open a bat

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

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A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.

They were publicly desemenated.

The internet has finally determined the true pronunciation of "GIF"

It's "g" as in garage

What's the greenest place on the internet?

R/jokes, where everything is reused and recycled.

What is the worst thing to come across while searching the internet?

Your keyboard.

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What does The Internet and my family have in common

They can’t take a fucking joke

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That’s the last time I go to the internet for sex tips...

...I Googled ‘fingering a girl guide’ and got 20 years in prison.

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The latest your momma joke to hit the internet...

Your momma has fucked more people than Thomas Cook

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet

Number 7 will shock you

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

what do a russian say when the internet goes down?

Internyet

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

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Old joke about the internet still relevant

And so what have we learned through this ordeal? The Internet went away. It came back. But for how long we do not know. We cannot take the Internet for granted any longer. We as a country must stop over-logging -on. We must use the Internet only when we need it. It's easy for us to think we can just...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

The internet pre 2008

where the women were men,
the men were boys,
and the children were FBI

Before the internet, things still went viral...

For example, The Beatles, among others, spread all over the world.

I guess you could say there were a few bugs going around.

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