UPJOKE
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The Highway Jokes

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

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A State Trooper Is Driving Down The Highway...

It's about 6am, and as he rounds the curve, he sees a figure kneeling down by a tree off the edge of the road.

Turning on his lights, he eases over and as he gets closer, he can see that the figure is a very naked man who is chained to the tree.

Getting out of the car, the officer mov...

So a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway near my house...

Police advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

A huge traffic appeared on the highway

Most people got out of their cars to see what’s going on. In the distance they spotted a man holding a donation box. As the man was walking from car to car he got stopped by one upset driver.

The driver proceeded to ask him “ what’s going on? Why are we being stopped here for hours already?”...

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job at the highway department

But when I got home...

All the signs were there.

I have this question every time driving on the highway

Why do people put a mountain on every tunnel?

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here ...

Did you hear about the Mucinex truck that collided with a Nyquil truck on the highway?

Amazingly, the entire area was congestion-free for over 8 hours.

A truck loaded with Vicks vaporub overturned on the highway

amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”

A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.

So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?” ...

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A family of four are riding down the highway in the family car….

Dad is driving, Mom is in the front passenger seat, boy and girl are in the back seat. When all of a sudden a BIG purple dildo flies up and smacks the windshield and flies right over the top of the car. Dad looks at Mom, Mom looks at Dad, neither know what to say, then Mom tries to play it off and s...

a cop stops a man on the highway

The cop says to the man:

"I'm gonna ask you three questions, answer them and you're free to go".

The man nods.

The cop then says:

"One, who's car is this?"
"Two, where are you going?"
"Three, what do you do for a living?"

The man smiles and says:

"Mine...

On the highway, a driver saw a man holding a rabbit for sale.

He stopped, opened the window and asked: "How much is the donkey?"

The guy said: "It's a rabbit, not a donkey!"

The driver replied: "You shut up, I'm talking to the rabbit not to you."

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

My kids were born on the highway.

As after all that’s where most accidents occur.

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

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A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’...

While on watch on the highway, a cop sees a car going really slow...

He believes underspeeding is just as dangerous as overspeeding, so he pulls the car over.

He walks upto the driver's window. Inside the car, he sees two old ladies in the front and three in the back.

The old lady who is driving asks the cop, "Why have you pulled me over, sir?"

...

A truck carrying synonym dictionaries has had an accident on the highway.

From the other cars, the passengers were shocked, tormented, amazed, incredulous, confused, paralyzed, stunned, bewildered, perplexed, amazed, dumbfounded, dumbstruck.

A couple passed a one-legged hitch-hiker on the highway.

A couple passed a one-legged hitch-hiker on the highway.
The wife suggested they should give him a ride.

Her husband said, "Nope, I tried to give him a ride just the other day. He just screamed and cursed at me."

"I wonder why," she said.

"Don't know," he answered," All I sa...

Heisenberg was traveling on the highway

Heisenberg was traveling on the highway when he got pulled over by a cop. The cop says to him

"Do you know that you were going 85 miles an hour?" Heisenberg says "Great! Now I don't know where I am!"

I was driving down the highway, and I saw a man hitchhiking with a sign that said “Heaven”.

So I hit him.

A large group of Hells Angels were riding down the highway . . . .

A friend of mine posted this on his fb page. I'm not sure who to properly attribute it to, but I thought it should go here. My hat's off to the author.

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Ca...

A man was driving along the highway...

... and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what ...

Grandma saw on TV news that a car is driving against the traffic on the highway.

Remembering that grandpa is coming back home from the city on the same highway, she called him to warn him.

"Honey be careful driving, apparently there is a person driving in the wrong direction on the road."

"What do you mean a person?" Grandpa yelled, "Everyone is driving insanely to...

A man and his wife are speeding down the highway when they get stopped by a police officer

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asks
"Not really" the man answers
"Don't worry, sir, you're not in trouble, I actually pulled you over because I find the way you drive your car really impressive, you're a skilled driver, I bet you aced your driving exam and really earned that ...

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

An elderly man was driving down the highway when his phone rang.

It was his wife urgently warning him: “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s some lunatic in a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!”

“It’s worse than that,” said the man, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Got stopped on the highway...

Officer: "Any drugs? Alcohol?"

Me: "No thanks!! I got everything. "

A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.

He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, ma’am?”

“No I do not,” she replied sweetly. ...

Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway?

Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...

Why didn't the cyclist pedal on the highway?

Because he was two tired.

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway

While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't."
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever ...

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An officer pulls over an elderly gentleman who's driving three ladies down the highway.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" asks the officer.

"No sir, I haven't the faintest idea!" replies the old gent.

"Well, you were going 75 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone," states the officer.

"But dad gum, the sign done said it was 75!" says the old gent, cocking an e...

Today on the highway driving home.

Me: Ah! Come on man stay in your lane.

My wife: I'll bet he is communist.

Me: what? Why?

My wife: because now it's 'our' lane.

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A man is driving down the highway and sees a sign on the side of the road that reads "Free talking dog".

He is skeptical but also curious and decides to pull over. He walks up to an old farm house and sees an old dog sitting on the porch. As he walks up the dog greets him with a "Hey, how's it going?"
The man is stunned as the dog stares at him waiting for a reply. Finally the man says "wow, this is...

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A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

Dead crows on the highway...

The police found over 2000 dead crows on highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts....

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

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A man is driving down the highway at 60 mph when a three legged chicken passes right by him.

In shock, he decides to follow the chicken down this dirt road. He sees the chicken run onto this farm and into barn. The man gets out of his car and goes to the front door to speak with the farmer.

“Sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but I was driving down the highway doing atleast 60 mph when I...

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

A police officer stopped me on the highway

He told me "Papers, please".
I responded with "Scissors, I win !" and went back on my way.

"Honey, be careful while driving on the highway" I told my wife on call...

"The news says that a there's a person speeding on the wrong side of the highway"


"One person!?" She replied, incredulously,


"These idiots are in hundreds"

The night bus is on the highway from New York to Miami.

A man trying to sleep is annoyed by a woman switching places between seat 8 and seat 14 every ten minutes.

The man: Excuse me mam, what are you doing?

The woman: It is my husbands fault. He said, if I book two seats I would sleep more comfortable.

A man is driving recklessly on the highway

A man is driving recklessly on the highway. A cop sees him me pulls him over.
The officer asks the man to step outside of his vehicle and then asks for him to pee into a cup.
The man replies " I can't do that I'm diabetic, my blood sugar will get to low"
The officer then asks the man to blo...

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Ever been driving down the highway smoking a cigarette

and you throw the butt out the window and a couple minutes later you smell something so you turn around and look in the back seat to find your grandmother fingering herself?

I was driving down the highway after a long day's work.

Traffic was light, not much of a problem.
I was listening to the radio and thinking about my evening.
It's not that I was distracted, I just never expected it to happen
Sure enough, on the road was some leftover glass from an accident that morning.
And I drove right over it. ...

An electron is driving down the highway...

...and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says, “Sir, do you realize that you were traveling at 670,616,629 MPH?”

The electron replies, “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.

His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280! Herman says, I know, but there isnt just one, there are hundreds!

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

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A trucker was driving down the highway...

... when he came upon a bridge. On the railing was a woman, who appeared as if she was about to jump off. The trucker stopped, ran up to the woman and yelled, "No! Don't do this! It's not worth it!" The woman replied, "You can't stop me! One more step closer and I'm jumping for sure!" The trucker th...

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A guy is driving down the highway when he suddenly has an overwhelming urge to jerk off...

But there are so many cars and trucks driving by, he's too scared to be seen if he does it in the vehicle. So he gets out of the truck and crawls underneath. He figures if anyone comes along, he'll just say he's checking on his transmission. He pulls out his dick, closes his eyes, pictures Betty-Sue...

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A Man was driving down the highway...

When he sees the siren of a police car appear behind him. The police officer pulls the man over and asks for his license and registration, the man, obviously upset, hands the information to the officer, the officer then asks, -Do you know why I pulled you over?-
_
The man knew why. "I understa...

A blonde was driving down the highway and noticed another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field

She pulled over to the side of the road and yelled,

“It’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!”

And continued, “you’re lucky I can’t swim, or I’d come over there and kick your ass!”

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway

A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

A man is stopped for speeding on the highway

The driver, when confronted by the cop to be issued a ticket, suddenly confesses that he has heroin with him in the vehicle.
Shocked, the cop calls for backup, explaining that the man who he caught speeding admitted that he had drugs on him.

A narcotics team arrives and searches the vehicl...

A man is driving in the highway

When his wife calls him very saying "watch out, a crazy man is driving into oncoming traffic in the highway you usually take to work"

The man replies: "one? Everyone is doing it"

I was driving home from work down the highway, when I spotted a cow with 12 udders..

Sounds funny, doesn’t tit?

A police officer was monitoring the highway...

....When he saw a pickup truck going 20 miles below the speed limit.

 


The officer pulls behind the truck and pulls the truck over.

 

As he walked up to the driver, he noticed that the trunk bed was filled with penguins! Doing as penguins would wad...

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The highway fly

Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.

A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.

All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.

"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly"...

I trust the highway to hell, but not the stairway to heaven

because it's up to something.

A old sweet couple driving enter the highway

She turns on the radio and hears: Alert! Alert! All drivers! There’s a car driving the wrong way on the highway!
Her husband replies: a car on the wrong way? I see like 20 in front of me.

An old woman was driving down the highway...

An old woman was driving down the highway at 35mph when a highway patrol officer pulled her over. He asked the woman if she knew why he pulled her over. She said "I have no clue, officer. I was obeying the speed limit..." The officer then replied with "Ma'am, you were traveling far too slow to be dr...

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A man was driving his car on the highway..

When a man in red stopped him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the red pig and I want a ride". "I don't give rides to pigs" said the driver and he went on his way.

A few metres later a man in green stops him. "Who are you?" asked the driver. The man replied "I'm the gree...

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

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A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.

The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened.

Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am?

Motorist: What's an ID?

Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it.
...

I got a ticket because I did 180 on the highway

Truth be told I was only going 15 but they don’t like U-Turns

A cop pulls over a car going 45 mph down the highway.

As he walks up to the drivers side window he notices that it is a little old lady driving the vehicle with her friend in the passenger seat. When the old lady rolls down her window, the cop asks why she was driving so slow. The old lady simple replied that she was going the speed limit and gestured ...

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Thesaurus' crashed on the highway last Thursday.

According to the Daily news, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, horrified, numbed, and perplexed that items falling off ...

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

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Sex in the middle of the highway!?

As the trucker came down the hill with a fully-loaded rig, he spied a man and a woman having sex right in the middle of the highway!


He blew his air horn, but they didn't move, so he slammed on the brakes, stopping mere inches from them.


Furious, he yelled from his cab, "Are ...

A truck overturned this morning spilling cabbage all over the highway.

It was horrific! I slaw it happen!

Steve is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California...

...when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Steve that he has earned the right for one wish.

Steve: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time

God: Ehhhh! You...

A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway

Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran o...

A cop pulls a motorist over on the highway

"Do you know your lights are out?" asks the police officer.

"Yup," answers the driver. "But I don't care."

"And do you know how fast you were going?"

"Oh, probably about 20 miles over the limit."

"Can I see your license, sir?"

"I don't have one."

"Well, wel...

Two guys driving in the highway with broken side mirror car

The driver wants to switch lanes and tells the passenger: “Can you look if there any car is coming”

The passenger turns and looks back and says: “No there’s no car coming”.

Driver turns the signal on and proceeds to change the line and huge truck hits them.

Driver turns to pass...

Why did the car die on the highway?

It went into Cadillac arrest

A man and his son were driving along the highway.

The son asks, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The man replies, "Well son, see those two cars coming towards us? An alcoholic would see four."

The son responds, "But Dad, I only see one car."

A drunk was walking down the highway

He staggered all over the road and was close to being hit by traffic many times. The local preacher came along and felt pity for the drunk so he stopped the car and offered to drive him home.

The drunk got into the preacher's car and they drove to the drunken man's driveway.

"Can you ...

Apparently if you leave your car parked overnight on the highway the next morning it sounds like you have more horsepower.

Nevermind turns out my catalytic converter got stolen.

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A car is speeding on the highway going insanely over the speed limit...

A cop spots the car and proceeds to chase him. Eventually he catches up with him and pulls him over. The cop goes to the driver's window and asks 'License and registration please?' The guy says: 'I don't have any, this is a stolen car.' The cop says: 'Let me see the glove compartment' and the guy sa...

A woman is driving for the 1st time on the highway

Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.."

She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"

The government is asking for bids for a new stretch of highway....

Company from Kentucky proposes a bid for $1M. Says $600K for labor, $300K for material and $100K profit.

Company from Ohio proposes a bid for $2M. Says $1.2M for labor, $600K for material and $200K profit.

Company from Chicago proposes a bid for $5M with no explanation or breakdown o...

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

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So This Hitchhiker is walking down the Highway.....

He has long dark hair, a big parka, a giant backpack, and a hat on. As each car approaches he sticks out his thumb. Eventually a semi truck pulls over and says, “do you need a lift?” The hitchhiker says, “yes thank you” and gets in the truck. They drive a mile down the road in complete silence. Even...

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

A man is driving his Ferrari on the highway...

A man is driving his Ferrari on the highway speeding slightly above the limit when he sees cop lights flashing in his rear mirror. In a instant of madness, the man thinks "what the hell, I'll just outrun him". After a few moments of extreme speeding the man comes the his senses, realizes he is actin...

Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway

The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"

Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."

The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"

• ⁠


Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

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A blonde and a trucker get into an accident on the highway

A blonde is taking her new sports car out for a drive on the highway. She cuts off a trucker and causes him to almost crash. The trucker angrily yells at her and motions for her to pull over.

They both pull over and get out of their vehicles. The truck driver takes a piece of chalk and draws...

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A blonde woman is driving down the highway

She notices another blonde woman in a rowboat sitting in some tall grass.

She pulls over and walks up to the edge of the grass and says

“ Look at you, people like you are the reason people make fun of blondes...if I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your ass! “

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An older couple is driving down the highway...

An older couple is driving down the highway when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up to the driver side window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And from the passenger's side, he hears a woman yell, "WWHHAAAAAT?!?" The driver turns to her and shouts, "HE WANTS T...

The highway sign said, “Watch for falling rocks.”

And I thought, OK fine, but I only have 10 minutes.

A biker is travelling on the highway...

...suddenly, a sparrow crosses his path, and he has no time to avoid it. He sees in his mirror the poor little creature bounce on the pavement, then fall on its back.

Feeling guilty, he stops and picks up the unconscious bird. He gets home and put it in a cage with some bread and water.
...

A man rides his motorcycle down the highway...

When suddenly he hears a booming voice, which proclaims, "I am God. Since you have been such a devout believer in me, I will grant you one wish."

The man thinks for a minute and responds, "Well, God, I love to ride my motorcycle, so I wish for a bridge that goes from the coast of California...

Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway…

I'll play golf wherever I want!

I just got this crazy new car that drives 180 mph on the highway

However, the dealership and the police don’t like the car as much

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A beautiful blonde is driving down the highway

When she sees another blonde in a field trying to row a canoe across the grass. The first blonde, infuriated, gets out of her car and starts shouting, “people like you are why everyone thinks blondes are dumb!! I swear to god if I could swim I’d go out there and kick your ass”

[blonde] Two girls were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding

Officer, "May I see your licence?
Lady, "What does it look like?"
Officer, "Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it."
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says, "If you had told me you were a po...

What was the highway's worst day?

When it found out it was adopted.

There was an accident on the highway today.

I tried to help the victims, but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.
I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there.

Why did a brother tell a sister to go sit in the middle of the highway?

Because that’s where accidents belong.

An electron is speeding down the highway when a police officer pulls him over.

The officer walks up to the car and asks, "do you know how fast you were going."

The electron replies, "Yeah, but now I'm lost."

A blonde cuts off a truck driver on the highway...

the truck driver has bad road rage and forces the blonde to pull over. He runs up to the blonde and starts yelling at her. The truck driver draws a circle on the pavement and tells the blonde stay there. Then, the truck driver starts smashing her windshield. He looks back at the blonde and she's smi...

A truck carrying cheese crashed on the highway this morning...

De brie was everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a billboard on the highway recently

It featured a graphic picture of blood and semen, with the words "is this in your future?"

I thought "well that's a sign of things to cum".

A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...

Suddenly the radio starts booming: “Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.”

The man, staring at the radio with a confused expression thinks to himself “One? There are hundreds of them!”

7 thousand gallons of gin have spilled on the highway.

Now every lane is the sloe lane.

A blonde is speeding down the highway...

When a female officer, another blonde, spots her and pulls her over. She asks the driver for her license...

Blonde driver says, "What's that?"

Blonde Officer : "Its a square with your face on it."

The blonde driver ruffles through her bag and after a few seconds produces a squar...

A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway

Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

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