The Dog Jokes - 118 Hilarious The Dog Jokes

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

Because he didn't want to be a hot dog! :)

A man took his big dog to the vets for a check up. The vet checked the dog over, then picked him up, and said “yep, he’s got a cyst on his bum. I’m going to have to put him down”. The guy looked shell shocked “you’re putting him down because of a cyst!?”

“Err, no” said the vet “he’s really heavy”

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

Pit bulls are the dog breed that most values higher education

A lot of them go after their masters.

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

Did you hear about the dog who owned a leaky three-masted sailing ship?

His barque was worse than his bite.

My wife asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl…

I told her I didn’t know it did.

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!

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A woman had five dogs. Her husband was sick of all the dogs.

He went away on a business trip, but before he left he put his foot down. No more dogs!

But the woman couldn't control herself when she saw a dog she just had to have.

"Well," she thought, "I'll just call him up and pretend I'm confessing to some infidelity or something. He'll be so re...

What did the dog carve into the tree?

Bark

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

I threw the dog a ball the other day

It was a bit extravagant but he looks great in a tuxedo!

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At dinner yesterday evening, the dog was looking up at me trying to mooch for food.

She said, "You're really a great cook! I love the fresh foods you pick, and the seasoning is amazing!"

I glared down at her and said, "Nice try, but after you ate that deer poop in the yard this afternoon your opinions on food quality don't carry much weight around here."

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I ...

Go to the dog shelter for a dog and you are a Saint....

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind!!

How did the dog survive a flood?

Because it was a good buoy

Criminal justice in the dog world is harsh.

All you need to do is litter once and the next thing you know you’re getting fixed.

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

Why did the dog go see a psychiatrist?

He found out he was adopted.

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Dinner with the dog

I remembered a joke from decades ago; hope it hasn't been here before:

A teenage boy brought his girlfriend to have dinner with the family for the first time. Just as everyone sits down, the girl lets out a little fart. Dad looks at the family dog, who is sitting between the boy and his...

Why didn’t the dog answer his phone?

It was ringing with no collar ID.

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Blame the Dog

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little ...

I find it really embarrassing that whenever anyone visits my house, the dog starts sniffing their crotch.

Especially, as it is a Chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before". So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is...

My wife called me and said “ If you’re not home from the bar in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.”

I was home in 3 minutes, I’d hate for anything to happen to the poor dog.

You hear about the dog that is into BDSM?

He likes it ruff

Where do you pay the dog tax?

Internal Ruffenue Service.

Wife: Have you seen the dog bowl?

Husband: No, but he's pretty good at skating.

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

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Story Time - The Dog Party

This is not all that funny and it was told to me as part of someone's leaving speech way back in the mid-80's - but it does leave a long lasting impression that you can take with you, anywhere:

In 1964, all of the dogs in the world attended a weekender party. Early in the afternoon - in the e...

What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?

Ruff ruff

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

Did you hear about the dog that writes books?

Probably not, he’s never been published.

He only does ruff drafts.

Does the dog know the proverb?

The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused"...

Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

I accidentally used the dog’s shampoo this morning...

And now I’m feeling like a good boy!

Mom sends her son out to play fetch with the dog. 5 minutes later both the son and the dog are back inside, looking grumpy.

"What happened?" Asks the mom.

"We lost the ball." says the boy.

"Oh no, where?" The dog replies: "Roof, roof"

Stunned, the mother says, "Did the dog just say it's on the roof?"

"No," the boy scoffs. "I mean the ball is up there, but the dumb dog's not talking."

Th...

The vet said she will put the dog down.

"But why?!" exclaimed the owner.

"Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.

-taken from a cat calendar.

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A daughter wanted to walk the dog...

So she went to ask her mother. Her mom was hesitant because the dog was in heat. She told her daughter to ask her father. The girl went up to her dad and said "I wanna walk the dog but mom says she's in heat." The dad goes, "you'll be fine. I'll put gasoline on her butt" and sends his daughter with ...

What did the dog say to Woody after accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear?

You got a friend in me.

I heard this great joke in Nevada once... what did the dog say to the duck

I’ll let you know next week

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"

The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

The dog says, "Gimme a beer."

The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

why did the dog cross the road?

because curiosity only killed the cat, never the dog

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

Did you hear about how underfunded the dog schools are?

They only teach K-9.

Why was the dog put on the No Fly list?

It had ties to suspected terrier organizations

Did you hear about the guy who shot his wife, hung his children, and framed the dog?

They really are nice photographs.

In the beginning, God created the dog.

He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by."

The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?"

God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you ...

What kind of test did the dog owner want for their pet when they went to the vet?

A pup quiz!

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A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.

I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

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A Man says to his wife, get ready, you me and the dog are going fishing.

Wife says I don't want to go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, Blow job or take it up the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she say, your cock taste like shit. He says I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either.

Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away?

Seems a little far fetched to me.

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Two guys are sitting on the porch watching the dog lick his balls

Guy: Man, some days I really wish I could do that also.
Friend: You probably can, just make sure to pet him first

Just been playing frisbee with the dog,

bloody hopeless, need a flatter dog.

A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead

The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.

“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog s...

What did the dog say to console his owner upon learning that his wife left him?

"Sorry buddy, that's

...RUFF!"

Have you heard about the dog who could play the piano?

His bach was worse than his bite.

They say a great way to find women is to take the dog for a walk.

While true, I generally prefer women who are still alive.

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had ear...

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A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the street. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. “How do you know if the dog was really dead?” She asked the boy. “Because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. “What do you mean you pissed in his ear??”

“I went up to him and said ‘Pssstt!’ in his ear but he didn’t move.”

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Whenever I see a girl walking her dog, I always say hi to the dog first.

Bitches love that.

My wife left for a business trip one morning. And later that day our dog died. That evening, she called and asked how everything was and I told her, "The dog died!"

Crying into the phone she sobbed, "You could've broken the news to me gently!"

I asked her, "What should I have told you instead?"

She opined, "This is how you should've done it: First, you tell me she's on the roof. Then the next day, you tell me she fell off. Then the nex...

So the farmer asks the Dog to round up the Sheep.

So the Dog comes back with 50 Sheep, and the farmer says: "Wait, why did you bring back 50? We only have 48."

So the Dog says: "You asked me to round them up, didn't you?"

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Did you hear about the dog who gave his own shit a consciousness?

He was minding his own business.

A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”

The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”

The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agre...

The dog and hieroglyphics

Hello!

Why did the dog know how to read hieroglyphics?

He was an Egypt-chien!

A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks...

it's not cooked well enough."

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A lawyer, an architect and a mathematician are all in the dog park with their dogs.

The mathematician walks up to the other two and says check out what my dog can do and throws a handful of jellybeans in the sand and snaps his fingers. His dog pushes them into a perfect circle and he says, look a perfect circle, that’s geometry and that’s math.

The architect says oh yeah wat...

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In the dog park

Two fellas are walking through the park when they see a male dog sitting , licking his dick.
Tom: Boy, I wish I could do that.

Ed: I don't know man, he might bite you!

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I was strolling through my local graveyard walking the dog...

When I noticed a man crouched behind a gravestone.

"Morning." I said, tipping my hat to him.

"Nope," he replied "just taking a shit."

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

A man broke into Battersea Dog's Home and released all the dogs.

Police are desperately searching for leads.

My friend was walking the dog...

... and someone approaches trying to make conversation.

— What a beautiful dog! What breed is it?

— It's a German shepherd.

— Gorgeous, does it have a name?

— The Lord.

— The Lord? Why would you name it like that?!

— Because The Lord is my shepherd.

<...

I took the dog out with poo bags earlier

The wife hates it when I call her that

Why was the dog shaped like a baguette?

Because it was bread that way.

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I was on vacation walking my dog on a beach in Germany when the dog decided to run in and was taken by the current

I don’t know how to swim so I screamed for help and luckily a local German jumped in after him. The man got the dog out of the water and immediately started twisting the dogs ear while slapping its ass as I sat there crying. Spontaneously my dog stood up and started breathing again and ran into my a...

What did the dog say to the man after his colonoscopy?

Rough

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"I see", said the blind man to the dog, as he was pissing into the wind.

"It's all coming back to me."

Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

A young boy says to his father, "Dad, why does the dog spin in circles when she's excited?"

The boy's father replies, "Because it's very hard to spin in squares."

If a cat goes meow and a cow goes moo, what does the dog say?

Ed...ward..

A man is walking his disabled dog that has a wheelchair for her front legs. It starts barking at a passerby that looks scared of the dog. The man assures the passerby that it's okay...

She's armless.

Did you hear about the dog who tried to dress up as a cat but got sick at a Halloween costume party?

He said he wasn't feline well.

"The Dog Story" from Lewis Grizzard

One of the greatest, "The Dog Story"

>We are playing Auburn. Sanford Stadium. National Television. Winner wins the Southeastern Conference; goes to the Sugar Bowl.
85,000 people jammed into Sanford Stadium. National television audience. This game is on the Armed Service Network. Peopl...

Did you hear about the dog that ran 2 miles to return the stick its master threw?

I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.

What is the dog version of "if it fits I sits"?

"If it throws I goes"

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Walking the dog

I hate it when I'm walking around the
park and a dog shits and people just
walk off and leave it. I'm like, "Excuse me, are you not going to pick that up?"

They reply with things like, "No, fuck off,
it's your dog."

Where do you find the dog with no legs

Right where you left it

Why did the dog need glasses?

Because it had paw eyesight

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I feel bad for the dog

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he try using a new medical computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem an...

What does the speaker say to the dog when they first meet?

"Sup, woofer!"

So 2018 is the Chinese year of the dog...

Looks like it's gonna be ruff

My dog stains and I went to the dog park

All the Karen's weren't pleased when I walked around yelling "come stains". What the heck is wrong with them anyways?

Did you hear? They caught the dog who was making those prank phonecalls!

They just checked his collar ID.

The dog ran off last night.

I spent 20 minutes in the park looking for him. The wife said I should try looking harder. So I shaved my head and got a tattoo, but I still can't find him.

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The Dog Meeting

The dogs once held a meeting,
They came from near and far.
Some came by boats and planes,
Others came by car.

Before each dog could register
His name upon the book,
He had to take his asshole off
And hang it on a hook.

And as they sat there in a group,
Eac...

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

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I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

Testing the dog's IQ

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.

Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is definitely smarter than you.

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A man informs his wife 'Tomorrow morning at 5am you me and the dog are going fishing...'

'Fuck that,' she says, 'you know tomorrow is my day to sleep in. There's no way I'll be on your leaky boat tomorrow!'
The husband, accepting this, insists: 'Well then you will have to compensate me then. Oral or anal right now.'
The wife, happy to acquiesce, gets down onto her knees saying 'Or...

Which side of the dog has more Hair?

The outside.

The dog is dead.

My dog wanted to go out and do his business, but I didn't have time to walk him. So I let him out to run around on his own. A few minutes later I heard screeching tires and a thud. I ran to the window and yelled "NO!". A thousand times I had told that dog not to drive my car. I'm going to kill him.<...

My grandpa said he was going to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.

As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I just... don't know where the little guy went."

"I see your dementia hasn't improved," I sighed. "You left him here on the sofa."

Have you heard about the dogs that were bred to hunt bears?

Yeah, they’re extinct.

Test eating wild mushrooms on the dog, he said.

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. B...

The dog farted, left the room to take a nap, and now everyone's blaming me!

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let sleeping dogs lie.

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Duke the dog

A young man arrived a little early to pick up his date. The young man was invited in and was asked to wait in the living room with the young woman's father.
Father is not very friendly and the family dog comes over to the nervous young man and sits down.
Being nervous the young man has a terr...

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Did you hear about the dog that got caught shagging a cabbage?

He mistook it for a collie

Where'd the dog who lost his tail go to get a new one?

A retail store.

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The bike and the dog

Two cops just came to my house saying my dog chased someone on a bike. I said, "thats bullshit, my dog doesn't own a bicycle!"

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My budgie flew out of it's cage a few months ago and started fucking the dog...

... I got some puppies going cheep if anyones interested?

Why can't the dog go shopping?

He can't find a barking spot.

My wife said it's either her or the dog.

So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath. . . or my beloved canine.

I was walking the dog through the village cemetery earlier today...

...this nosey old woman heading the other way says "Mourning?" as we approached one another.

"No..." I answered curtly. "...I'm just walking my dog."

Honestly- I wish people would learn to mind their own business.

Told the whole family I was gonna put the dog down, we've had him 10 years.

I then proceeded to let him down to the ground and he just walked away.

Jack and the dog

So jack was crying because his dog died and his mother walked up to him and said”oh jack why are you crying you didn’t cry when grandpa died” on which jack responded with”I didn’t buy grandpa from my allowance

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