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Swerved Jokes

Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

A taxi driver swerved around a corner at high speeds. “Just a bad turn” I think.

A little while goes by and I feel the g-forces of another fast turn. I look at the road ahead and think “hmmm no hazards”. Looking ahead I notice another turn and brace myself. After getting slammed into the door I speak up and say “dude can you go slower around the corners or something” he responds...

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the blond...

A man had a terrible hate for lawyers.

Like, he really hated any and all lawyers he met.
And as such, every time he was out driving his car, he would go out of his way to hit them. It didn't matter when or where, if he saw a lawyer he just had to run them over.
The man, however, was also a pious man. One day while driving, he s...

Trucker's hobby.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck...

A man is driving home from work behind a transport vehicle.

A large box of tacks flies off the back of the large, transport vehicle and into the middle of the lane. The man swerves out of the way to avoid the tacks and is consequently pulled over by a highway patrolman. The highway patrolman asks the man why he thinks he was pulled over.

The man, exas...

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

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Bob's a truck driver

Bob gets bored on long drives, so he came up with a game. If he sees a lawyer walking on the sidewalk, he'll hop the curb and run him over.

One day, Bob picks up a hitchhiking priest. The priest is quietly studying his Bible. Bob sees a lawyer. Because the priest was so quiet, Bob forgo...

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A passenger in a cab leaned over and tapped the driver’s shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed in panic, swerved, lost control of the car and drove over the pavement stopping inches short of driving through a restaurant.



There was stunned silence in the car for a few seconds and then the driver said, “I am sorry. You really scared the daylights out of me.”...

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A woman in a supermarket rushed to the checkout counter with a few items,

The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me, I'm in a bit of a hurry so could you please check me out?"
The clerk swerved round, looked the woman up and down, then said "Nice tits."

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Voodoo Dick

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a sex store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

The Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of t...

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You have Sinned

EDIT: I have never written this joke out. Most of this joke is about the delivery. This is a successful joke when you are forced into telling one. Use the names of those goading you into telling one!




Johnny, Mike, and Pete were driving late at night when a cat cut in front of the ...

Scariest thing ever

The scariest thing in the world is waking up with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was so scared I almost swerved off the road!

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Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.


Dapple was driving ...

Drunk driver

A preacher was driving home late one night.

A little ways down the road he noticed the car in front of him was swerving a lot. Must be a drunk driver he thought.

The preacher went to pass him and the drunk swerved over.

Trying to avoid an accident, the preacher swerves out o...

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

Nate the Snake (Long)

There once was an island in the middle of the ocean, shaped somewhat like a dog bone, with two populated ends separated by a long narrow strip of land with a highway connecting the two ends of the island.

Oddly enough, the entire island was held up from sinking into the ocean by a big lever,...

A guy gets out of his car after crashing it

A policeman walks up to him and asks him what happened. The man replies that he swerved to avoid crashing into a tree. "you sir are drunk" says the policeman. "how do you know that" said the man. "that's and air fresher" said the policeman.

A blonde is pulled over for erratic driving...

When the officer gets to her door, she says, “Oh, Officer, thank God you’re here! I was driving down the road when this tree popped up in the lane in front of me. So, I swerved to miss it and then another popped up in front of me! And then another, and then another, and then you arrived! Please f...

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Jumped in the back of a taxi earlier on.......

I fancied talking the taxi drivers lugs off so i tapped him on the shoulder. The driver absolutely shit himself, swerved over the road, nearly hit a bus, mounted the path and slammed his brakes on inches away from a shop window. I say "Fuck me mate you're a bit jumpy ain't ye , nearly fucking killed...

I was driving down the highway after a long day's work.

Traffic was light, not much of a problem.
I was listening to the radio and thinking about my evening.
It's not that I was distracted, I just never expected it to happen
Sure enough, on the road was some leftover glass from an accident that morning.
And I drove right over it. ...

The two young artichokes were very much in love.

The couple were strolling down the boulevard one sunny afternoon. Up ahead, a delivery truck had a blowout and swerved across two lanes, finally jumping the curb and hitting the boy artichoke, knocking him flat.

It was awful. The ambulance came and the EMTs did their best to resuscitate him. ...

I remember how my uncle died..

Driving an 18 wheeler rig down a long, icy road in the pitch black with no working headlights. He swerved and suddenly BAM!

Cancer.

The Pope is in the back of a limo.

He strikes up a conversation with the driver. "This is a pretty nice limo. You know, I can't even remember the last time I drove a car. It must be at least forty years." The driver, wanting nothing but to please his high holiness, offers to let the Pope drive for a while. The Pope, wide eyed, imm...

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Nuns at the pearly gates

A group of nuns were in a coach, driving high up on a mountain, when all of a sudden the coach swerved off the road and went over the side of the mountain, crashing below and sadly killing everybody inside.

The nuns now found themselves waiting outside the pearly gates, which opened and showe...

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Have you heard about the magic dildo?

One day a business man had to go on a long trip for work and decided that before his trip he would buy a "special present" for his wife while he was away.

On his way home, the man went to an adult store and asked the worker if their were any new items that would keep his wife busy while he w...

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Magic dildo

For my line of work I have to travel a lot and my wife was okay with it at first, but after a while she started getting really lonely. I understood where she was coming from as I had become quite lonely going from hotel to hotel. Instead of letting something regrettable happen I told her let's go to...

Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.

While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerv...

A priest offered to give a nun a ride (in his vehicle)

A priest offered to give a nun a lift. She got in, and crossed her legs, forcing her gown up and revealing a bit of leg.

Out of shock, the priest nearly lost control of his vehicle, swerved aggressively, and managed to re-stabilize the car.

Once he was driving safely again, he stealth...

It was late at night and the salesman had been driving for a while

The rain was as heavy as his eyelids and, as he nodded off and lost control. The car swerved left, then right before crashing upside down into a ditch.

The guy came round, the water in the ditch lapping round his head, he pulled himself loose, feeling the blood running down his head. He stagg...

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A taxi driver is driving a passenger

With radio blaring local news. The passenger asked the driver to turn down the radio. After minutes of no response, the passenger got impatient and tapped the driver’s shoulder.

Suddenly the taxi swerved to the left, narrowly missing a car and skidding uncontrollably towards a newsstand, and ...

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Open Season on Nerds

This truck driver was driving through the Silicon Valley. He decides he needs a cup of coffee so he pulls into this truck stop. As he goes in the door he sees a sign that says "No Nerds will be served." He sits down at the bar, and the bartender comes over to him. The truck driver says, "I'll have a...

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Yo momma is so fat ...

* when she wants to take a bath, She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water

* I crashed into her for 15 minutes

* I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

* She farted in the pool and flooded New Orleans

* when she steps on a scale it yells, ...

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

Wild Boar Crossing

I was driving down the highway when I spotted a sign that said "Wild Boar Crossing, $500 fine". Shortly after, wouldn't you know, a little boar ran right out into my lane. I swerved but couldn't react in time and hit the poor guy with my car. I stopped to look around and get my bearings. Lucky f...

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