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Suzy Jokes

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

"Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!"

\-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"

"I don't care. Just leave."

Where did Suzy go after getting lost in a minefield?

Everywhere

John call suzy on her mobile

John: hello

Suzy:hey,whatchu doin?

John:y'know,just calling the prettiest girl I ever saw

Suzy: awww

John: yeah, but she's not picking up. So I decided to call you instead

"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny."

*Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*

"I came straight home, of course!"

*That's my good boy.*

"Mom?"

*Yes, my son?*

"May I please have a penny?"

Suzy

Why did Suzy fall of the swings?

Cause she had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Suzy.

What did Suzy get for Christmas?

Gloves

Ha Ha just kidding that's mean

We actually don't know she hasn't opened it yet.

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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

Starting Early

There was a little girl named Suzy and she liked to play with one of the little boys in her neighborhood named Jack after school. One day, Suzy comes home ecstatic and her mother asks, "Suzy, why are you so excited?". Suzy replies "I was playing with Jack and he said he'd give me a dollar if I climb...

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Sunday School Suzy

There was once a girl named Suzy. She went to Sunday school at her local church every week. Her parents were lenient so she slept through most of the days. One day while Suzy was asleep she was called on by the teacher. The teacher asked “Suzy, what is the name of our lord and saviour?”. Suzy didn’t...

Little Jimmy and Suzy are in class when their teacher begins to go over grammar and sentences.

The teacher looks at Suzy first and says
"Suzy can you use the word stupid in a sentence?
"Yes I can. Jimmy is very stupid."
"Great!" said the teacher. "Now can you use ugly in a sentence?"
"Jimmy is very ugly."
The teacher turns to Jimmy and says "Can you upstage her, Jimmy? Try us...

Little Suzy and little Billy were at day-care

Suzy approached Billy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"

Billy said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

Suzy replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy. "I have no idea what that means."

Suzy nodded and ...

Little Suzy had 13 children.

Her husband died and she remarried and had 10 more children.

That husband died and she remarried and had 8 more children.

It was finally time for Suzy to pass away and the preacher was standing at her casket amd said "it's great! they'll finally be together".

One guy says "I w...

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The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)

A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, an...

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Suzie and her triplets

Suzy gave birth to triplets and named them Mat , Pat and Tat.

She fed Mat from her left breast and Pat from her right!

Moral : Sometimes there's no Tit for Tat!

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Billy really wanted to ask Suzy to the prom but he was so nervous he waited until the day before to ask her...

He walks up to Suzy in the hall and says "Suzy, I know it's the day before, but... Would you go to the prom with me?"
Suzy is surprised, and a little taken back, "I didn't think you were going to ask me. Yes, I would love to go with you!"
"Really?! Oh boy, ok!" And our hero Billy runs off to...

A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...

The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. ...

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Little Johnny was in his room alone when little Suzy enters

She says ‘take off my top,’ which he does
She says ‘take of my skirt’ which he does
She says ‘take off my bra’ which he does
She says ‘take off my panties’ which he does
He’s getting pretty excited at this point, until little Suzy says ‘stop stealing my fucking clothes!’

A Family from New York buys a cattle ranch in the West.

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My
wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the
Lazy...

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Little Suzy sees her mother in bed with the mailman

Innocent but curious, she tells her father the very next day.

"Ok, Suzy" replies her father, "Our relatives are coming over for dinner later. I think you ought to tell them what you saw too."

At dinnertime, Suzy is waiting for everyone to sit down. As soon as Uncle Billy Bob takes his ...

Little Suzy was upset and crying...

"What's wrong?" Asked her mother
"We learnt about the moon landing today." Said Suzy
"What's upsetting about that, I was a great American achievement." The mother explained
"Yeah but our teacher said that because of the sun the flag would turn white" Suzy sobbed out
"Yes that's because o...

Suzy came to the church in a see-through blouse leaving nothing to imagination

After the congregation,the priest called her aside and said " you can't come to church dressed like that " pointing at her blouse.

"But I have a divine right" complained Suzy.

" And you have a divine left too " noted the priest " still you can't come dressed like that " .

When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz...

"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny.

"What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets h...

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Little Suzy says to her mum, johnny showed me his willy today and it was just like a peanut:

Mum says, what very small?

Suzy replies, no very salty.

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Dirty ernie pt. 1

The teacher knows that dirty ernie has a habit of swearing, so she's apprehensive about her lesson bit decides to proceed anyway. She asks the class to give her a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet.

She says, "ok, the first letter is A"

Immediately ernie raises his hand...

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Little Suzy was driving her mom crazy

Little Suzy was driving her mom crazy one day so mom sent her next door to watch as a new house was being built. Suzy stayed until mom called her home.
"Well did you learn anything new today Suzy?" mom asked.
"I sure did. I learned that when that damn board don't fit you grab the plane & s...

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Suzy and Johnny had to change school systems in the middle of the year.

Suzy and Johnny had to change school systems in the middle of the year. On their first day in the new school, Suzy went into her first grade classroom, and Johnny went to his fourth grade classroom.

In the first grade classroom, the teacher called Suzy up to the front and said "Class, we have...

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Uncle Ted

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we loa...

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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

A Seventh Grade Health Class

was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can...

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Made this one up in health class today

Suzy gets invited to go to her first high-school party with alcohol. Her mother is no fool and understands how teenagers are, so she sits Suzy down and gives her the talk "Now Suzy. it is normal for girls and boys your age to begin to have sex. It is natural and nothing to be ashamed of , BUT if you...

The teacher was quizzing the bible students...

and she asked "Who parted the Red Sea?"
Just then, rotten little Johnny poked Suzy with a pin, causing her to exclaim "Holy Moses!"
The teacher said "Very good, Suzy!"
Then the teacher asked "Who turned water into wine?"
Johnny pokes Suzy with the pin again, who hollers "...

THE SCOTTISH BROTHEL...

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
*"May I help you sir?"* she asked.


The man replied,  *"I want to see Suzy."*


*"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies ...

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A teacher says to her first grade class

"Alright kids, from now on, we must use grown up words. Now Tommy, what did you do this weekend?"

"I rode on a Choo-Choo", said Tommy

"No Tommy, you rode on a train, please use more grown-up words. Now Jacky, what did you do this weekend?"
"I played with my woof woof", said Jacky...

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket of furry animals; in her hand was a sign that read: FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall grinning man. "Hi there little girl...

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbl...

How to use "had" 9 times in a row grammatically

Suzy was writing a paper and asked John to edit it, which he did. In one section, John, where Suzy had had "had", had "had had"; "had had" had a much nicer sound to it.

Chain jokes?

I just wanted to know some chain jokes, doesn't matter any kind. I have 1 but that's really all I know:

Q: Why did little Suzy get run over by a car?
A: She had no arms or legs!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not little Suzy

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A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas

The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:

"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"

Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:

"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. W...

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Dirty Johnny

A teacher is teaching class one day and tells her students 'today I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that starts with that letter'

"The first letter is 'A'"

Dirty Johnny's hand flies up.

'No' the teacher thinks 'he's gonna say"ass". A mom...

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A teacher is with her kindergarten class, teaching them about animals.

She asks Suzy, "What sound does a cow make?" Suzy responds, "Moo." The teacher turns to Bobby, "What sound does a horse make?" Bobby responds, "Neigh." The teacher turns to Tyrone, the only black kid in class. "What sound does a pig make?" Tyrone responds, "FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER!"

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A teacher asks her 1st grade class to make a sentence with the word "definitely" in it...

Little Suzy stands up and says "the sky is definitely blue!"
"No," the teacher replies. "It depends on the weather, the sky can be gray and at night its black."
Another student stands up and says "trees are definitely green!"
The teacher replies "no, during autumn the leaves change color."...

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A little boy comes home from school.

Mommy says, "what did you do on the way home from school?" The little boy says, "well, on the way home from school, I cut through the park. And I saw Daddy. He was in a car with Aunt Suzy. And he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off, and then..."

Mommy says "hmph, let's save th...

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A story in knock knocks.

Sam and Jim are friends. Sam is fucked up. Sam tells Jim jokes.

Sam: "Why did Suzy fall off the swings?"

Jim: "Aw why"

Sam: "She had no arms."

Jim: "Dude wtf"


Sam: "Knock knock"

Jim: "Who's there?"

Sam: "Not Suzy."

Jim: "Not fucking funny""...

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Definitely

A third grade teacher is teaching her English class and calls on her students to use the word of the day in a correct sentence.


"Today's word is *definitely*. Suzy, can you use the word *definitely in a sentence?"


"The sky is definitely blue" responds Suzy.


"Actuall...

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Lil Johnny was is sex education class...

For most classes, he said in back but in sex education class lil Johnny always sat right in front. One particular day the teacher's homework assignment was that each student should go home and think of all of the different positions there are in which people can have sexual intercorse. When they ret...

Little Johnny was in math class

The class was learning subtraction with big numbers today, and the teacher decided to use money as the unit of measurement. Johnny hadn't been paying much attention, so the teacher called on him, "Little Johnny, if you start with $1000 and gave $150 to Lucy, $150 to Suzy and $200 to Brittany, what w...

An old joke (NSFW)

So little Dave walks into a room where he sees his mom on top of the dad. She is going up and down and little Dave says "WTF are you doing on top of dad?"
Mom says, well, I am trying flatten his belly. Then little Dave says "Ohh mom, that will never work. The neighbor Suzy always comes here in...

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[NSFW] What is Woody Woodpecker's girlfriend's name?

Suzy Splintercunt

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Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal."

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple ...

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Damn Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class on a Thursday and the teacher made an announcement. She said that she was going to start asking one question every Thursday and if anyone got the correct answer school on Friday would be dismissed. So the first question was...How much does the earth weigh? Little v...

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Little Johnny Goes To School...

Little Johnny goes to school and after only 15 minutes, the teacher tells them that whoever can identify the speaker one of three quotes can go home. Johnny couldn't believe it, he was smart enough, he could go home after only 15 minutes of school!

So the teacher says "I'll start out with an ...

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

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