Statistics

Statistically:

\- 5 people out of 6 are satisfied with the result of Russian roulette

\- 0 out of 6 people complain about the result

I asked my German friend to draw me a circular statistical diagram



He said Venn?

I said as soon as you can

Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

I was shocked to read this. Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves

aren't Happy

64% of the people are bad at math, according to a recent statistic

Lucky me, I belong to the other 46%

My Dad told me that if anyone ever pulled a gun on me I should start reeling off statistics

Apparently there's safety in numbers

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don't understand how percentages work.

Unlike us, the other 90%.

Statistically 100,000 people die each year playing Russian roulette ....

It's mind-blowing!

Statistically speaking, 6 out 10 statistics are wrong.

Including this one.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

I came up with a really great statistics joke, but no statistician wanted to hear it.

So I asked them why and they told me, statistically speaking, most of what you say is boring.

I don't understand statistics like mean, mode and median

Is that normal?

I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

Which politician is the biggest supporter of statistical sciences?

Putin. He really loves the Poisson distribution.

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

Here's an interesting statistic about herd mentality:

It affects 10 in 10 people.

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

Today I Learnt... Statistics is mainly about..

Rejecting H0s.

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

Statistician joke...

Why did a statistician take a zebra with him when he boarded a train?


Because statistically, it's a lot less likely to be a train accident with a Zebra inside it...

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Read an interesting statistic on mammography technologists

They all have a boob job

What’s different between stock market and statistics??

Some people do get statistics

69% of all statistics are made up

Every 69 I’ve ever been involved in was made up

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Statistically, one out of 10 of your friends is gay.

I think it might be Steve, he's really sexy.

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

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The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.

.
.
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A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

Statistics are like a mini-skirt

They promise a lot but show nothing

Statistics Show

The number one fear is public speaking. The second is death.

So at a funeral you would prefer to be in the casket than reading the Eulogy.

My Statistics teacher said I was just average.

I told him that’s mean...

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I just overslept and missed my first statistics class.

What are the chances of that?

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

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That's my name!

Skinny white man goes into a lift and looks at huge black man who says, "Before you ask me I'm 7ft tall 350llbs have a 20"willy and my balls weigh 3llbs each, Turner Brown. White man faints, when he comes to he asks the black man to say that again. Black man repeats his statistics and says my name's...

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours.

Theft: 0 cases

Killings: 0 cases

Prostitution: 0 cases

Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

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Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

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Statistics show 55% of men in Oakland have had sex in the shower

\-The rest haven't been to prison yet

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Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

I just read a statistic on the most common way a person walks when they have been drinking.

It’s staggering.

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Person 1 : I used to think correlation implied causation. Then i took a statistics class. Now I don't

Person 2 : I think the class helped

Person 1 : maybe

Thousands of people die every day. Thats just a statistic.

But for some reason when i kill them it’s monstrosity instead.

If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

Statistics show that every 8seconds a mobile is dropped in the toilet

Source:

This is a frightening statistic

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!

Statistically speaking

9/11 Americans won't appreciate this joke.

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Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

I'm the worst student in my statistics class

I got a 58% on my last test and cheered.

You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

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New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

There are many problems with math puns.

Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

Did you know that, statistically, only one in seven dwarfs...

Is happy?

A statistics professor is at the airport...

A stats professor drives to the airport, to catch a flight to his next conference. As he is going through security, TSA discovers a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. He is hauled off immediately for interrogation.

"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accompl...

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Statistically, I have sex 86 times per year.

This is going to be an exciting week.

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes.

Politicians just have better lawyers.

Statistics show that 47% of people are pedantic.

Well, 46.8%.

"It was recently proven that 80% of people will believe any statistic they read online."

-Abraham Lincoln

I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..

Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

There are 3 types of lies

1. A lie

2. A damn lie

3. Statistics


Got told this by statistics professor yrs ago. Also bonus: 87.9% of statistics are made up.

Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

I hate statistics jokes

They're all mean.

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According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile

Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

Statistical inference joke - why are two medians in a single data set funny?

Because it's a co-median ^_^

Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

My statistic skills are mediocre at best

And average at worst

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

Statistically...

9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.

There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

Indian men are statistically the least likely to get laid

No wonder even their parents call them beta.

Statistics show that 85% of all Redditors reading this

Need to put their phone down and wipe.

Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey.

They do, however, say "zed".

The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Phone statistics in third world countries:


Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Dad 00:00:30

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00...

Two Statistics majors walk into a bar

What're the chances!

I Got Worried After Reading the Statistic on Marriage

50% of them last forever!

Statistics and mini skirts..

...they hide more than what they reveal.

I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk.

They're just staggering.

Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb

I'm glad to be in the 10% that isn't.

Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

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