As a stats major I'm ashamed to say I've never done any programming

But I still excel in my field!

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In the summer, I was watching a baseball game that was getting a bit boring

The broadcast had a main "play by play" commentator and also a "color" commentator (to talk about stats, player's backgrounds, and random stuff the viewers would find interesting).

At one particularly dead point, the color commentator said "I've got three trivia questions here. First one - f...

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

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Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I’m in for a wild December.

Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what ...

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Interesting Stat.

While talking to girl:


"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"

"No, what?"

"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."

I just googled "Superman football stats," and it didn't have his FA cup stats...

...just his league

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

My stats teacher told me I was average.

I thought that was mean.

Three stat professors were out hunting...

...when they came upon a deer by a river.

The first professor fired his rifle, and the shot went three feet to the left.
The second professor fired, and the shot went 3 feet to the right.

The third stood and exclaimed "Alright! We got him!"

I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .

That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!

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I hope when I die and go up to be judged they give me some stats.

St. Peter looking solemn says, "Stephen, did you know that 33% of your vernacular is dedicated to swearing? And a staggering 33% more is solely focused on blasphemy?! I'm sorry Stephen, but I must sentence you to an eternity in damnation."

"Well... fuck! Goddamnit!"

My stats prof is so romantic...

He keeps talking about his Bayes' Theorem

North Korea is handling Covid surprisingly well

Last week 9/10 doctors said Covid-19 was under control,



This week the stat went up to 9/9!

6 Men kidnap a blonde

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do...

A police officer stops a old women on the interstate for speeding....

....He pulls her over and asks her if she has and weapons in her vehicle. She reply’s

yes I have a 22 in my glove box.”

He says ok anything else? she says,

“yes I have a shotgun in my trunk. “

He reply’s, is that all. She says

“no I have a handgun in my purse.”...

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A funny and slightly NSFW joke about women....

While talking to girl

"Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?"

"No, what?"

"Yea, I figured you were in the first group."

EDIT: yes i found this in a thread, i never proclaimed i cr...

An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician ...

... are told that 2 people walk into an empty house, and that later 3 people walk out.

The engineer says, "It's simple. There must have been an observational error, happens all the time."

The biologist says, "Ah, the two people must have been a couple and had a child."

The mathe...

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Man and wife were making up a password for their new laptop

Man: "Hmm... I think it should be MYPENIS."

Wife types that in and stats laughing.

Man: "Why are you laughing?"

Wife turns the screen to him.

Man reads: "ERROR! NOT LONG ENOUGH"

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So a woman had been in a coma for a few years. . .

And everyday, when the nurse comes in to bathe her, she notices slight changes in her vital stats whenever she washes near her crotch. So the nurse fetches the woman's husband and says,
"I think a little oral sex is all your wife needs to come out of this coma."
The husband nods and asks for...

What did the New Zealand statue say to the other NZ statue?

'Stat chu bro?

What sound does a sneezing gargoyle make?

Stat-choo!

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...

... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind....

Proof that reality is a simulation...

The developers accidentally gave Totinos a randomized heat resistance stat.

The Casket

One day i was walking home from work when all of a sudden i hear 'bang bang bang' behind me. I turned around to see what is making the noise an i see nothing. I carry on walking but after a while i hear the same noise but even louder. It sounds like someone hitting a wooden fence on the ground. I tu...

A blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio..

It says that two Brazilian men were killed. She stats crying and says, "How many is a brazilian?"

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An elephant is walking through the jungle...

When it steps on a big thorn. It screams out in pain and is frantically trying to pull the thorn out with its trunk. An ant comes walking by and sees the elephant struggling.

"What's wrong, Mr elephant"

"I've stepped on a thorn and i can't get it out, Mr ant"

"I'll pull it out, ...

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A woman posts an ad in the paper looking for a patner

In the ad, the woman stats that the man has to be loving, loyal, and good in bed. After 2 weeks of no one responding to the ad she starts to lose hope of ever finding a lover. The next day her doorbell bell rings, the woman opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs on her porch. The man h...

A newly-wed couple move in together

Cynthia had known that Andrew was obsessed with football ("soccer"), but she hadn't realised just how much. Andrew spent hours every day watching games, reading commentary, and analysing player stats. As she did not care much for the sport, Cynthia was hoping to convince him to spend more time with ...

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I was telling my friends some statistics on how often different groups of people have sex.

I was telling my friends some statistics on how often different groups of people have sex. I told them that I had heard Europeans had sex, on average, once a day. Then I told them that I had heard North Americans had sex, on average, twice a week. Finally I told them Asians had sex, on average, once...

This popped into my head in class the other day...

Why do professors like stats and physics students?

Because they'll work for p naughts.

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