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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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A child is playing whist his mother is cooking, she says "I have some friends coming over for dinner, so be good"

"What's a friend?" Says the child as the mother burns herself "bastard" she hisses.

She turns off the stove and says "don't touch the food on table, it's not for you"

"What's food?" Says the child as the mother knocks a saucepan onto the floor "shit" she says as she bends over to pick ...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

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A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange.

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes,
"OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks fo...

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a black-haired girl are walking down their high school hallway

when they come across a genie's lamp. The black-haired girl rubs it, and a genie comes out. He tells them that he'll give each of them three wishes if they say something true about themselves. If not, they'll go "poof", and die.

So the black-haired girl squeals, "I think I'm the prettiest gir...

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A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for...

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

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So there are these two statues in a plaza

and they've been placed in such a way that they stare deep into each other's eyes. They are stuck like this, never able to touch or talk.
One day, God grants them an hour of life out of pity. They immediately run into each other's arms and embrace the joy of the situation.
They spot ...

There's always this kid who gets everything right in class

One day, he gets another question from the teacher correct, yet *again*, and a girl nearby squeals "NERD!"

The teacher scolds her and tells her "You know, he could be your boss one day."

The kid responds, "Unlikely, I don't plan on being a pimp when I'm older."

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An older couple is having trouble with their sex life, and the husband is too embarrassed to speak with a doctor.

The wife decides that she will see if her doctor can help them out, so she makes an appointment.

"What's going on?" the doctor inquires. "I just saw you a few weeks ago and you were in great shape!"

"Oh it's not for me," she tells him. "It's my husband, he's been having trouble becomin...

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

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A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist...

and while she freshens up beforehand, she grabs a spray from her older daughters room who's 17 and sprays her ladyparts.

She goes to the appointment, and her gynecologist is like "My, we dressed up today, right?".

And she's super pissed, picks her two daughters up from school and fumes...

A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...

So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
...

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Three men on an island get captured by cannibals...

And the cannibal leader tells the men that they need to explore the island to find some fruit. They then must collect ten pieces of that fruit and bring it back to the cannibals. So the men head out and after some time the first of the three returns. He has brought ten apples with him, and the canni...

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A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes.
"bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap.
"oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First yo...

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Three teenagers are lost in the woods...

They are very cold, hungry and thirsty. After wandering for several days, they stumble upon a small farm house in the middle of the forest. It has a small shack to the side, fit for animals such as pigs and horses. After discussing with each other for a bit, the hope of food and a warm place to slee...

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Mickey Mouse goes to meet with his lawyer...

...and his attorney says, "Mickey, I've gone over the law and all the relevant precedents, and the fact is, you don't have grounds to divorce Minnie."

"You're kidding!" Mickey almost squeals. "I told you the situation, didn't I?"

"Sure you did," said the attorney, "but you have to unde...

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Man tells his wife he's going for a walk

but as he's walking around town he finds himself at his favorite bar taking a seat in front of the bartender.
"shot of Salior please", the man requests.
the bartender pours him the shot and takes a 20 from the man.
the man downs the shot and orders another.
time passes by, more shots are...

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In his first trip to Japan, the businessman...

...is very nervous about meeting his wealthiest client, Mr. Nakagawa, whom he will be playing golf with the day after he arrives in the country. He takes a cab from the airport to his hotel and heads to the bar to drink his nerves away. Over the course of countless cups of sake, he meets a lovely yo...

Why your convertible is like the best girlfriend you've ever had

(1) She enjoys when you're inside her

(2) She squeals when you're going hard and fast

(3) She takes her top off whenever you ask

The captain's supple young bride...

... fell into the bay at low tide.
You could tell by the squeals
that some of the eels
had found a dark place to hide.

A man phones home from his business trip...

His 9yo son answers and says hey.

"Hey buddy, it's dad! Wheres youre mom?"

"I will check", replies the son as he walks to his parents' bedroom and sees his mom in bed with uncle Jim. "She is playing in bed with uncle Jim"

"What?! Uncle Jim?! Tell them I will be right over!" the ...

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