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Soccer Team Jokes

The college soccer team wants to interview me because I say I once ran two soccer teams on my resume

Yes I used to own a foosball table, I’m their best choice.

This new girl joined our soccer team

I was amazed, she was exactly what we wanted

She was tall, she was athletic, her legs were long, she wasn't fragile and she was extremely good with her hands

The moment I saw her I knew,

She's a keeper.

Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half.

They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.

They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms.

Policemen are looking into it now.

Why did the guy marry his wife above all the other women on the soccer team.

She's a keeper.

Yo mamma so fat

Her favourite soccer team is Hamburg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man joins a soccer team.

His new teammates inform him,

"At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.


" The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.


When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to...

A group of dyslexic men form a soccer team

When they got down to the name of their team they went with "Dyslexia untied"

What's worse than the US Men's Soccer Team?

Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.

What's the Catholic Church's favourite soccer team?

BSC Young Boys

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

Best African soccer team EVER!

the French National team...

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best soccer team in the world

We will put gays as defenders, since they pressure well from the back.

Arabs, Chinese and Caucasians in mid because they bring color to the field.

Jews will be attackers because it's frowned upon to chase them.

And a 50 year old nun as our goalkeeper.
Because she hasn't let...

Spain's national soccer team were in complete disarray

The goalkeeper would always come out and try and play as a striker, the defenders would just run up and down the side lines and the strikers just stood on their own goal line chatting.

Needless to say, they lost every game.

After 5 games the manager was fired and a new one appointed. H...

Why didn't Cinderella makes the Soccer Team?

She kept running away from the ball

Who is Donald Trump's favorite soccer team?

Deportivo

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between someone wearing a wristwatch, and the US Soccer team?

Nothing. They both have time on their hands.

I was taught to always follow my dreams no matter what.

So now I just need to rescue my boss’s wooden horse from the pool that’s filled with spaghetti before the Egyptian soccer team gets back from practice.
“Rachel from middle school? What are you doing here?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Japanese soccer team visits an orphanage in Spain.

"It's so sad to see the hopeless looks on their faces", said Rico, age 6.

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

One day, prior to the world cup, the US national soccer team manager was visiting Belgium

He was having a meeting with Roberto Martinez, and they were discussing the efficiency of their soccer team.

"Our population is over 300 millions and yet we have failed to qualify for the world cup, Roberto... How did you manage to do so with such a small country ?"

"You know Dave," sa...

What's the difference between an all girls soccer team and a tribe of pygmies?

One is a bunch of cunning runts.

I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America

Now I’m the worst on my soccer team

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon all walk into a bar...

The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The Mormon stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were discussing their families.

Jew: I have enough children to start my own baseball team.

Catholic: So What? When my wife delivers in the fall, I can start my own soccer team!

Mormon: I got you all beat. Two more wives and I’ll have my own private golf course.

An American, a German, and an Arab...

... meet in a bar and after a few drinks start bragging about their families. The American says “one more kid and I have an entire Basketball team.” Replies the German “ one more kid and I’ve got an entire soccer team.” The Arab bursts out laughing “one more wife and I got an entire Golf course!”

Three friends are chatting while having a drink

The first one says "My wife just gave birth to our fourth son, just one more and I can start a basketball team."

The second one says "I got you beat, my wife just gave birth to our tenth son, just one more and I can start a soccer team."

The third one then replies "That's nothing, my ...

What do u call 11 divers and a net?

A soccer team.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar...

-You know - says the Englishman - I have 10 sons. That is almost a soccer team.

-That's nothing. - says the Irishman - I have 14 sons. That is almost a rugby team.

-Well - says the Scotsman - I have 17 daughters. That is almost a golf course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I entered ten puns into a pun contest

I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.

A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!...

Another Iranian wife at the husband's deathbed

H: At this last moment, I have a question, have you ever cheated on me?

W: Only 3 times and all for your own good.

H: How so?

W: Remember in our town you wanted to join the soccer team and the coach rejected you but then later admitted you? That was in return of a favor I did....

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