The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, but was very stingy.

Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his w...

What do you call a loud, yet obedient, puppy?

A small subwoofer.

My dog is very obedient...

I say to it: are you coming or not? And it comes or it doesn't!

Two dictators are arguing about whose army is more obedient.

They walk to the edge of the cliff and call a soldier over. Putin commands his soldier to jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children."

Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier is about to jump when Putin grabs his ar...

A man came home from work one day.

His wife greeted him "Hello darling, how was your day?"
"No time for that," he replied. "Just get me a cup of tea before it starts!"

Confused, the wife hurried to make a cup of tea.
She gave him the cup. He stretched out on the sofa, and sipped the tea.

"What did you mean, 'befor...

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A young girl was about to get married.

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl a...

What do you do with an overly obedient pancreas?

Give it a shot of insolence.

I had the most obedient dog in the world. I told him not to move a muscle

And he died of cardiac arrest.

Is it wrong to murder a judge and replace him with an obedient laboratory clone?

Let’s let this judge decide.

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks su...

Obedient husband

Little boy was curious why did his father do everything his mother asked, so one day he asked his dad: "Dad, why are you so obedient. None of other dads listen to their wife's like you."
Dad said: "Well, you see son, when you were born, your mother and I made a deal. If she would allow me to give...

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world...

then He made the earth round.

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

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Jesus and a parrot

There was once a man who had bought an incredibly intelligent European parrot.
He thought, hell, it's so intelligent he could give it some chores. He thought the most efficient way to make the parrot obedient is to threaten it; saying that if it disobeys him, he'll nail it right next to Jesus Ch...

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

An optimist tries to cheer up his friend (long)

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri...

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..<...

A man wants a pet

A man wants a pet. So he visits his local pet shop and inquires .

Man: “I want an obedient pet. One that would do anything I ask of it no matter what”.
The store clerk: “I know exactly what you need”.

The clerk steps out back for a few minutes and returns with a tiny box containin...

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

One cop visits another

- Maybe your son will grow up to be a cop like you!
- Bobby? No way, he's... pretty dim. Just watch this. Hey, Bobby! Go check if I'm coming back from work! (to the other man's surprise, Bobby obediently runs out the front door to check the driveway)
- Sheesh, you're right about that, he's no...

On the first day of preschool, kids are taught how to play Simon Says

After you graduate high school and get a job, you find out your boss is Simon and you got duped into going to school for 10 years when you learned all you had to know on your first day of preschool.

Frustrated, you go back to your high school teacher to learn something useful for once, "Teach...

The adventures of Farty Bart

Bart was a regular fellow, quite charming actually. But he farted often than most.


Bart has obatined that sweet sweet yes from the girl of his dream, they agreed to a date on his now girlfriend's house.


They were eating, chatting, laughing, until he had the sudden urge to fart....

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A lady goes into a brothel in Japan

Upon arrival the Hostess brings out 4 young men.

The Hostess asks the lady which one she wanted, 1, 2, 3 or 4?

The lady says "I'll take all of them"

She is shown to a room and followed obediently by the four male prostitutes. The room is spacious, has a big bed with loads of pil...

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly frie...

Brothers John and Peter are lost in the woods...

They are both tired and hungry. The older brother Peter was hard working and obedient. The younger one was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice.

"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."

Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went ...

The School teacher sent home a note with her student..

The note reads, ”Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.”

Mother sends a note back the following day,”Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'

Subscribe (Verb) - to obtain or have a subscription to a publication, concert series, service, etc.

Subscribe (Noun) - a very obedient writer

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"Any women in the audience who think I'm a male chauvinist, say "Boooo!"

Every woman in the audience yelled "Booo!"

The speaker said to the crowd, "Obedient little bitches, aren't you?"

There was a father who called his 5 small children together.

As they sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.

He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.
He asked them “who is the most obedient?”

Five sets of eyes looked up at him.

Sensing that they...

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An old lady is very hard up

An old lady is very hard up, unable to pay the bills and Christmas is just around the corner. So in desperation she writes a letter to God.

"Dear God, I know you're busy and there are many people more deserving than me, but I really need $100 to pay the gas and electricity bills, plus have so...

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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.

"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"

Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.

"IT SHALL BE DONE!...

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[nsfw] Voodoo Dick (Long)

Lucia popped into her local South American produce shop on the way home from work (it was enchilada night). While browsing she got a call from her bff Natalie and spent some time talking about the recent divorce, and her lack of sex life. Shortly after hanging up, she was approached by the store cle...

All Men Go to Heaven...

...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines: one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives. The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long.

St. Peter turns...

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The surgeon and his class of trainees

A surgeon is taking a class of trainees to see a cadaver for the first time, He tells them that it's really important that they familiarize themselves with the corpse, so he says "Do exactly as I do."

He then sticks his finger into the dead guys anus , pulls it out and sucks on it.

The...

A man decides to go horseback riding near the Grand Canyon

The man walks into a ranch and asks them for a nice mellow horse to go on a day ride with. The rancher says, "Sir I have just the horse for you. It was raised at the monastery just down the road and is very tame and obedient". Soon the horse is saddled up and the man is on it. The rancher says, "Now...

Three tough biker dudes...

...walk into a bar. They notice a skinny, bespectacled little guy sitting in the corner by himself, and decide to have some fun.

They order three beers, and one of the bikers says, "Charge these to that little runt over there in the corner." Then he calls over to the little guy, "Hey, Poind...

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Have you been a good girl?

Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven.

Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is...?" they replied in unison.

"Have you b...

Project: Reimagined

There once was a secret government program that tried to create perfect soldiers through genetic modification, cloning, and strenuous conditioning.
What they wanted to achieve was the normal super soldier run down:
- Super strong
- Super fast
- Super smart
- Super obedient
They s...

A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer...

...for their new belltower, so they put out an advert in the local paper.

*Bellringer needed for the dawn bell. Large bell, strength needed. Apply in person at the church*

Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door. Father Angus answers, eager to meet the applicant.
...

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