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Red Eye Jokes

Why elephants have red eyes?

So they can hide in the cherry tree.

Have you seen any elephant in a cherry tree?

Probably not. See how good are they at hiding.

Why did the Fonz have red eyes?

Because he had **AYYY** fever!

Where do you find red eyed rodents?

Hamsterdam!

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

...when a small lizard comes and asks to join it. They get really high and at one point the small lizard says it's thirsty. The monkey tells him that there is a lake nearby and the lizard goes there.

At the lake there is an alligator, he sees the red eyes of the small lizard and says "heeeeyy...

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I told my son I wasn't going to take any more photos because they all had red eye

He said "fuck you dad, it's not my fault I'm albino."

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Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

In sweden we have what is called Bellman jokes

Disclaimer: Carl Michael Bellman was a swedish author, singer, composer etc. For no particular reason swedes tell jokes about him. Usually involving him and two other guys from different nationalities. Bellman usually wins out in the end somehow.

On to the joke

There was once a Ge...

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Why do black people have red eyes after sexual intercourse?

Because of the pepper spray.

How do people take an all-night flight and still manage to be productive the next day?

Red eye mind tricks.

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

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Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest.

Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.

She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.

"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?"

"Get out of here. I'm pooping!"

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Old cowpoke strolls into the saloon.

"A shot of red eye, bar keep. And where is everyone? It's saturday. This place should be jumpin'."

Bartender pours. "They're all at the hanging. You didn't hear?"

"Hanging! Who'd they get?"

Bartender smiles. "The Brown Paper Kid."

"Darnedest name I ever heard." Said the o...

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Forest Man

A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.

"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"

The farmer shrugged and continued w...

Did you hear...

United now offers Red Eye and Black Eye flights?

If a millennial asks you...

If a millennial asks you why people in old photos have red eyes

.

.


Tell them that they're too young to remember the demon uprising of the 1980s

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United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."

"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"

"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"...

A man walks into a bar

He sits at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing the mans very disturbed asked what’s wrong.

The man replies “my wife kicked me out, said she doesn’t want to see me for a month.”

The bartender starts consoling the man, telling him it’ll be okay, the month will fly by. A...

A cop see's a suspicious teenager driving erratically,and pulls him over

The policeman notices the drivers red eyes, and the smell of cannabis on his breath, so asks him if he's been smoking pot

The teenager says "Yeah, but I've got a prescription for it"

"What's the prescription for? inquires the officer

"Anxiety, but I only get it when a cop pulls ...

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A Drunk Went To A Brothel (long)

A drunk, four sheets to the wind, went to a brothel for some sex. Approaching the colorful brothel and stumbling up the steps, he banged on the door demanding to be let in. The madam opened the door and sized up the drunkard, who stood there weaving and red eyed, alcohol wafting from his breath....

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Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

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Redneck sits next to the silicon valley kid on the overnight train ride

Redneck really wants to sleep, but silicone valley kid won't shut up, describing the wonders of technology.

\- Nowadays I can find an answer to any question, no matter how hard, you just need to know how to use tech!

Redneck really wants to sleep. But the kid keeps showing his gadgets,...

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