UPJOKE
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Produc Jokes

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.

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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

Relative Humidity.

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A woman walks into the produce section of the supermarket

And asks the man stocking oranges, "Excuse me sir, where can I find the broccoli?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli but we'll have some tomorrow."

The woman walks away. Comes back a few minutes later, taps the man on the shoulder and says, "Where's the bro...

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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

I lost $5 million dollars investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

What do you call a factory that produces OK products?

Satisfactory

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What type of bees produce milk?

Boobees.

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

My life is like an over produced comic book series

It's just one issue after another, and the plot doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

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A boob, vagina and asshole are having a debate on who is the greatest among all of them. Boob: I produce milk; Vagina: I produce babies;

why are you still reading? It is your turn to speak.

Never buy produce from twins...

They always come in pairs.

How do you call the greatest milk ever produced?

Legendairy

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what kind of bee produces milk?

a boobee

The producer to his wife, an actress:

Producer: "Darling, will you marry again if I die?"
Wife: "I assume so, dear."
Producer: "Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
Wife: "Yes, he would be my husband after all.”
Producer: "Would you give him my golf clubs too?"
Wife: "No, he's left-handed."

Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired?

He was a Mike Rowe manager.

A guy was sitting on a park bench when he suddenly produced a loud long fart. When he got up there was a pile of coins.

It was the wind of change.

When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans.

Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid.

I keep thinking I'm an energy producing organelle found in animals.

I'm a mitochondriac.

Which fast food produces the most radiation?

>!Fission chips. !<

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My friend claims there's no word for excrement produced by male cattle.

I think that's bullshit.

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

Scientists say that talking to dairy cows helps them to produce more milk

>!It's in one ear and out the udder!<

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

I work in a toy factory where dracula dolls are produced...

I only have one colleague at the production line so I have to make every second count.

Why is gravity so cheap?

It's mass-produced

I had to create a report on how wind energy is produced

It was a breeze.

Steel producers are grappling with the high price of iron...

...they say it's a terrible ore deal.

(An ore-ful joke, I know.)

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A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

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.<...

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After years of getting nothing from my garden, I finally got my dildo patch to produce!

But now I have a problem with squatters.

What career are people who produce antimatter in?

Reverse engineering.

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what sex position produces the ugliest babies?

ask your mother

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A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

"Are those sheep yours?"

"Which ones, the black, or the white?"the shepherd asks.

"The black ones?"

"They're mine." He said

"I ...

I can produce silver just by sniffing.

Smelt it with my own nose.

**I'll show myself out**

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

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There's this guy who could sing through his butt...

He goes to audition with this producer who has a variety show. The producer asks to hear him, so he drops his drawers and does a medley from "Barber of Seville", in perfect Italian. Well the producer is really impressed. He books him for the Saturday night show.

When the time comes for his ac...

I had to quit my job as a produce clerk.

The didn't pay me a good celery.

An elderly Chinese man is on his deathbed. To his three sons he produces a small bundle of chopsticks… “My sons…” he murmurs, “these chopsticks…”

“I know, father!” says the eldest son. “These chopsticks are like your children, right?” The father shakes his head. “These chopsticks…” he tries again.

“I know, father!” says the middle son. “When we are united, we are unbreakable, right?” He begins with flex the bundle and true enough they...

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After experiencing Nirvana during sex, but before you make The Offspring, what do you produce?

Pearl Jam.

Why did Ohio produce 20 astronauts?

Because it’s so boring, the inhabitants want to leave the planet

I tried raising cows, but they didn’t produce any milk.

Needless to say, my venture was an udder failure.

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk...



The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. The...

Netflix announced it will be producing another 4 part docu-series on epilepsy

Don't miss the all new seiz'n

Good news, I'm finally going to get something I wrote produced for the stage.

I've lined up some great people to perform in it. The producer read the script, titled "I Pun, Therefore I Am,” and asked me if it was a musical.

Sadly, I told him no. It's just a play on words.

I got some produce on my way home today.

It was a very fruitful walk.

——-




This is an original!

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A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
Sex@COVID online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

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Guy goes up to a produce stock boy and says...

"I want half a head of lettuce. Can you do that for me?" The stock boy says, "Just a minute," and heads off the back room. He finds the produce manager and says, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." Something makes him look back and he sees that the customer has followed him and is st...

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

Iowa has produced a new Tennis sensation

Anna Cornacoba

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

Why did the farmer decide to become a DJ after a failed produce?

Because he had a ton of sick beets

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

People are a lot like Vegetables. Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

What do you call a hormone producing organ whose daughter had a child?

Glandma

The studio is thinking of producing a remake for Green Lantern

They are waiting for the green light

What kind of bees produce milk?

Boo bees.

(Not mine, my friend told me this joke but he doesn’t have Reddit.)

I earned an Oscar for being the best producer.

He was born and named yesterday after my long fight against fertility.

Did you know there is a wide variety in men’s ability to produce sperm?

In fact, there’s a vas deferens.

Seems like nothing is produced in Britain anymore.

Even my new TV was built in Antenna according to the box.

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.
They all agree that Stallone should play the role of Beethoven, but Willis and Schwarzenegger get into an argument about who should play Chopin.
Stallone suggest they toss a coin to de...

Meatloaf has produced 3 really great songs but of them, I can only recognise Bat out of Hell and Heaven can wait.

Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

If trees produced wifi we'd be planting them everywhere...

... too bad they only produce oxygen.

Netflix is producing a documentary about the end of BlockBuster....

Thats like if the school shooters produced "Bowling for Columbine"

What movie was produced by Elon Musk?

MadAtGasCar

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An upcoming director, Tim, is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant.

The director sees Frank Sinatra in the distance walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him.

As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says, “Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impre...

Two human can multiply to produce more humans by mating. But two imaginary human can't multiply to produce more imaginary humans.

The resulting human will be negative.

So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it is B.P.

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

Two farmers are arguing over their produce.

Farmer 1-"That's my grain!"
Farmer 2-"No that's my grain!"

A third farmer a bit aways walks in

Farmer 3-"I'm getting migraine just listening to you two idiots yell at each other"

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

Ever since I became the new produce inspector I've been visiting local grocers and supermarkets; but they're always surprised to see me.

It seems nobody expects the spinach inquisition

What does China produce more of?

They produce more Chinese than any other country on earth.

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

What do you call a female cow that can't produce milk?

A miss-steak

(Sorry this probably would do better in dad jokes)

Why was frosty in the produce aisle?

Picking his nose.

- I just build a machine that produces knives

- Is it any good?

- It's cutting edge technology.

A Broadway producer is telling his woes to a bartender...

A Broadway producer is telling his woes to a bartender and is explaining how much money he is losing on his latest play. He knows it's no good but feels if he could get some awards people would start talking about it and wanting to go see it. He just needs to figure out a way to get this play to win...

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My girlfriend is a porn star!

She's going to be really mad when she finds out.


EDIT: Will people stop asking me to post the source or a picture, this is a joke that it is why it is here instead of in mildlyinterestng.
The truth is my girlfriend tried to be a porn star but the producer said to her "come back in 5 ...

I was furious when my wife kept producing eggs

But looking back it was clearly an ovary action

I'd like to work in a factory that produces counter-tops

so I could get paid for being counter-productive.

So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool"

Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?

So The Beatles and their producer, George Martin, were in the studio......

Paul: Any ideas on how to end Hey Jude?

John: Nah

George: Nah

Ringo: Nah

George Martin: Nah

Paul: Perfect!

Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces?

So you know that it's time to change the channel.

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