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Old Hag Jokes

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An old hag died.

She was a mother, a wife, and a mother-in-law. Everybody knew that she and her son-in-law hated each other.

But, on the day of the funeral, people arrive at the church and see something unexpected: the son-in-law, over the open casket, holding the hands of the dead woman, forehead pressed to ...

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

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One evening, a man on his way home encounters an old hag saying

she's a beautiful princess of a certain kingdom before, because of her unparalled beauty an envied witch cursed her making her looks like a hundred year old hag and to lift the curse someone must satisfy her sexual desires.
The man being heroic help her to lift the said curse
so he satisfy he...

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Two old women are talking to each other.

One says "I think I have cancer, I found 2 lumps under my breasts". The other replies "oh you old hag, it's not cancer honey, those are your kneecaps!"

A young man is taking a driving test

The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"



The young man says: "Well I...

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Two women talk about their last night sex

Two women talk about their last night sex:

-So, how was your sex yesterday?

-It was crap… My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, then we fucked for 4 minutes and after two minutes he fell asleep. And how was yours?

-I had a wonderful evening yesterday. My husband cam...

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George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Trump die in a plane crash

They go up to the pearly gates to be judged. Each of them finds himself standing in front of a huge oak door. Then a voice booms out, "George Bush, you have led a sinful life, now this will be your punishment throughout all eternity."

They Bush's door creaks open and an ugly old witch comes o...

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"I'm the strongest man alive"

said the drunk man to the bartender.

"Oh really? Well we actually have our own local strongman competition, if you're interested. Keep in mind, it's a bit obscure. You up for it?"

"Psh. I can do anything," he slurs.

"Okay. Your first test is behind that door. You need to hogtie...

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I ran into a old friend shopping yesterday

He was with a an attractive looking redhead when I said hi I asked him how he got rid of that bitchy old hag of a blonde he had and how did he get the good-looking red head.
The attractive looking red head then turned to me and said "I dyed my hair"

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Gingerbread house (long)

Me and my good friend John went camping one time, but after we left our campsite for a walk we got lost. After two weeks of walking around the forest, trying to find our way out, or at least something to eat, we stumble onto a little meadow with a gingerbread house in the middle.

As you can i...

A man walks into a bar and sees a mason jar full of money on the counter

*"You sure get a lot of tips"* he says.
"That's not a tip jar" says the bartender "you see, we like to play a little game here. You put five bucks into the jar, you get three tasks, and if you complete them, the entire jar is yours. Wanna play?
*"Sure, why not?"*
"Alright, here we go....

There was 3 boys living with their grandfather deep in an Asian jungle.

One day, their grandfather asked them to accompany the grouchy old lady that lived nearby them while she walked out to town. Before they left, their grandfather said, "Behave and remember all that I have have taught you."

As they walked the old lady nagged and nagged. She complained about eve...

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A Texas Man Moves To Alaska

So a Texas man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill. Here gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. The man sees "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!", out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it. "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The man asked....

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An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

The language of heaven

Back in the soviet days a little old lady was sitting on a bench by the Red square, reading a book entitled "Teach yourself Hebrew". A police officer was walking by, saw the book and decided to make some trouble for the lady.

"Why does an old crone like you want to learn Hebrew?" he demanded....

I only have this...

A guy is driving a new Corvette at 100 mph on a school zone, when suddenly he crashes against an old lady. He gets out of the car and sees the woman is dead.

The police arrives, and the policeman questions the guy:

"I need to see your license"

"I-I don't have one, sir"

"...

Three men had just died...

...and went to Hell. Lucifer happily gives them a tour before stopping beside a row of three doors. At the first door, the Devil bade the first person to enter, whilst asking, "If you had one wish for anything in the world, what would it be?" The first man immediately blurted, "I want an endless sup...

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Dying of dehydration

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can ...

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A bar contest goes awry

A businessman from out of town comes across a secluded bar on the outskirts of the city he's visiting, so he stops in for a drink. While at the bar he notices a large a shot glass the size of a water bucket filled with twenty dollar bills. Curious, the man motions for the bartender, "What's the stor...

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