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Husband gets home and tells his wife

"Quick!!! Get me a beer before it starts."

She gets the beer. He chugs it and says "Quick!!! Get me another before it starts."

She obliges. Husband again chugs it and says "Quick!!! get me another beer before it starts."

The wife replies "if you want another beer you lazy bas...

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun...

Two Math Professors in a Bar

Two professors, American and Soviet, are sitting in a bar in the middle of Moscow. They begin to have a heating conversation about levels of education in general population of their countries.

Soviet professor takes a break to go to the bathroom, and on the way there he stops their waitress a...

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates

St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heav...

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There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years, with peculiar experiments on spiders.

After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was finished and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The m...

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

Long ago, in a faraway land, there was a traveller.

He wanted to sell a goat, but no one wanted it. He travelled far and wide to see if anyone wanted it.

One day, he reached a small town in the desert. Before he entered the town, he decided to take a nap under a tree, and tied up his goat nearby.

On waking up a few hours later, he found...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons.

"If I open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth....

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

A man and a woman get married

After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.

As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.

The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, peo...

A man with an alligator walks in a bar

He tells the bartender he’s a street performer and would like to perform. The bartender is curious about his act so he allows it. The man stands up holding his gator and a jar and announces to the bar that he won’t start until his jar is full of money. The people in the bar are also curious about hi...

Twenty-five years.

Twenty-five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced to death if it happe...

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Fright flight!

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane.

Both men are using guide dogs and ap...

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

A blonde goes to a barber with a pair of headphones on...

The barber asks for her to take them off so he can cut her hair and she screams that he can't. He murmurs under his breath but begins to attempt to cut her hair. He is almost finished but he can't cut the hair under the damn headphones. He decides to make the decision himself by removing them. Once ...

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During WWII, an Australian, a British and an American P.O.W. are forcibly recruited by a brilliant Nazi scientist to undergo an experimental treatment…

The purpose of the experiment is to create human time-keeping machines. They are each placed in separate rooms and subjected to intense brainwashing. After a week of treatment, the scientist comes to inspect on their progress.

He first looks in on the Australian soldier. Staring blankly ahea...

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One of my Dad's favourite jokes.

A man goes to a restaurant and orders the soup.

Shortly after he begins to eat, he drops his spoon. Immediately, his waiter appears and pulls a brand new spoon out of his pocket. The man is impressed.

"It's lucky you had a spoon on you," he remarks.

"Oh, no, we all carry spoon...

The Safari

Jimmy was an 8-year-old boy who loved animals. He longed to go to a wildlife reserve and experience nature up-close-and-personal. His parents, eager to instill moral values, were delighted that this was the case instead of playing violent video games. So, on his ninth birthday, Jimmy was ecstatic to...

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Three guys die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates

Three guys die and go to heaven. They find themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, past the gates they can see a long road which seems to stretch up higher and higher into the clouds, and out of sight. Saint Peter looks to the first man and asks him "How many times have you cheat...

The Toy Store

A woman and her child are at a toy store for her girl's birthday. "What do you want, sweetie?" "Barbie" the child murmurs. "That's cute, let's go get you a Barbie." So they ask the store clerk where to get the Barbies, and she leads them to a large shelf full of them. She begins listing them off. "F...

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The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently...

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting on a bench at the park...

A priest and a rabbi were sitting on a bench at the park. They both watched with interest as a troop of boy scouts marched by on a nature walk. Through the side of his mouth, the priest murmurs to the Rabbi, "I'd sure like to screw those boys over there..."

To which the Rabbi replies, "Screw ...

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