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Massages Jokes

What do you call a masseuse that only massages men?

A massogynist

What do you call someone that hates massages?

Massage-ynistic

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages….

Now we’re making money hand over fist

Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.

Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostate massages are like stickers with excessively strong glue.

It’s a pain in the ass to get off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex wife is an esthetician w/ various skills but she mainly does massages for various men with various careers.

You could say she's a "jack off all trades"

I wonder is perineal massages help.

I’m personally torn on the matter.

It says here on your resume that you were a m-m-misogynist?

"Yes, I used to give massages."

"OHH! I was confused because--"

"Because you're a woman?"

If someone massages your scalp in the shower or something like that

Just say thank you




You don't need to ask,"who are you?" Or "how did you get in here?"

People say that massages can calm down pets, so I gave my dog a massage

He didn’t seem all that into it, not sure if it was the candles or the smooth jazz.

This woman keeps going to HR to try to get me fired for giving her "inappropriate" massages. Good luck with that.

I don't even work here.

What's the name for a person that only gives massages to men?

A massagonist.

[just wrote this one] Political Massage

So I went to this masseur. Great reputation. People say he’s good with his hands.

We get down to business, and he starts asking me about politics.

He asks, “So are you for states or against states? You’ll get a different massage depending on your answer.”

I guess he’s probably a...

I'm not sure if my girlfriend is mad at me. She was rubbing my shoulders but started poking me with needles.

I was getting mixed massages.

This chick is trying to get me fired because she claims I've been giving her inappropriate massages in the office...

I said good luck with that sweetheart.... I don't even work here.
(credit: Anthony Jeselnik)

I got really bad insomnia and didn't know what to do

A friend told me he gets a massage from his wife and he's asleep in minutes. I tried the same and it worked; his wife does give great massages.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman playing golf drives off from the tee and hits a man with her golf ball.

He put his hands between his legs, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.

She rushed over to him and offered to relieve his pain stating she was a qualified Doctor. Reluctantly he agrees.

She gently takes his hands away and unzips his trousers. She puts her hands inside and gen...

It's Not That I Didn't Like The Prostate Exam,

It's just the way he massages my shoulders while he's doing it.

A man goes to the doctor with a litany of complaints...

After a thorough examination, the doctor comes out to speak to his wife. "There's nothing too serious with your husband, he just needs to reduce his stress. Just don't complain to him, make him some nice meals, give him massages, and make love to him daily and he will be fine". The wife returns to h...

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