UPJOKE
chivalryknight bachelorhorsedamehonourcavalrydublordgermanydon quixotecrusadestitlechessmanequestrianorder

Knights Jokes

A king sits on his throne. Suddenly, one of his knights enters.

The knight looks so tired he can barely stand. His armour is heavily battered and covered with dust, his sword is notched, his helmet is cracked...

**King**: Dear God, John! What happened to you?

**Knight**: Oh, I've been hard at work lately, Your Majesty. A heavy blow I dealt against ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which...

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake...

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as thei...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

Which of King Arthur's knights was chosen to make the round table?

Sir Cumference

Most knights are a cut above...

But Sir Cumcision is a cut below.

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a group of knights standing in a circle ejaculating on each other?

A Sircumference

Many people know of King Arthur and his Knights of The Round Table.

However, most people do not know who first proposed and created the round table: Sir Cumfrence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a homosexual Russian knight

Sergei

Why are Knights always different colors?

Because they’re always annealing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

How do Knights communicate ?

Chain mail

my t-rex friend have recently opened a restaurant for medieval Knights..

For anyone interested, it's name is Dine'O Sir

There were many knights at King Arthur's round table, but without a doubt the fattest was...

Sir Cumference.

He was known for eating too much pi.

when do knights sleep?

knight time

Lesser known Knights of the Round Table

“I was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield.” - Sir Prize

“I shall see you around.” - Sir Cumference

“We shall fight on land or sea.” - Sir Fenturf

“I was the knight who was afraid to fight.” - Sir Render

“I was the unbelievable knight.” - Sir Real

...

My niece told me this joke: What's the difference between Chanukah and a dragon?

Chanukah is always eight nights.

A dragon sometimes ate knights.

I’m writing a fantasy novel about two knights who fall into the rogue and Paladin archetypes. I’m calling it…

Silent Knight, Holy Knight

Why do dragons like knights?

The come with their own pans.

What kind of fee does the Queen of England charge when she knights someone?

A sir charge

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.

Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop thei...

the knights

What is the name of the knight who moonlights as a geologist?

Sir Vey

What is the name of the agreeable knight?

Sir Tenly

What is the name of the Knight who used to be a slave?

Sir Vent

What are the names of the Knights who run the graduation ceremony?
...

What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?

Magnets

of Knights and Squires

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The three knights (NSFW)

Okay, so the king employs three new knights to guard his daughter's bedroom as she sleeps. He warns them: "If you try to sleep with my daughter, I will kill you." However, he does not expect the new knights to heed his warning, and so he makes the daughter put a knife inside of her vagina.

T...

3 knights walk into a bar with their swords.

The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”

The knights say, “in case of mimics.”

The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table.

Two knights stood to face each other

They both unsheathed their weapons, ready to duel

The first knight drew his longsword, confident he would defeat his opponent with wit and skill

The second knight drew a large block of cheddar cheese

The first knight scoffed and said, "And just how to you expect to best me with ...

What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

Singing French Knights

In the Middle Ages, Western France was known for it singing knights. The most famous group were a bunch of lancers from the town of Brittany. They were known as the Brittany Spears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think we all know King Arthurs knights

But, there were also others, who choose to stay in the background, but played a huge part.

First, and formost, the guy who made the round table. Sir Confarence

On second place, there was a knight, who sadly lost his life before he was publicly dubbed, saving king Arthur in a surprise r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two knights are riding through the forest

and they come across a peasant. One knight lifts his visor and says, "Pray thee, have you seen a black knight with a red lion rampant on a white shield?"

"I'm afraid not sir knight."

"Very well, then. Go about God's business."

They go another mile down the road, and they come ac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A King says to 3 of his most esteemed Knights

- Sir Brand! Kiss my hand.

- Sir Amit! Kiss my feet.

- Sir Hancock! Sir Hancock? Why are you running away from me?

Two knights, Harold and George, had captured by trolls and taken to their underground liar.

The trolls leader told Harold and George that if the two fought each other without killing one another, they would both be let go, however, this would come at a price:

If Harold lost, he would have his hands cut off, while if George lost, he would have his feet cut off. And the winner would h...

Three Knights Walk Into A Bar

Three knights walk into a bar.
the first knight asks the bartender for a cup of ale.
the second knight asks the bartender for a mug of ale.
the bartender turns to the third knight and says, "don't tell me, you want a jug of ale?"
The third knight says, "None for me, I'm two knight's desi...

Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.

Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.

Jedi Knights love analogies.

"Metaphors be with you!"

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two knights were jousting for the entertainment of the king and his court...

The Black knight struck the king's favorite, crumpling him against the wall, bending and doubling him over, head-to-toe. With his head down between his legs with armor and body bent and contorted, the favorite reached for his sword.

The crowd cheered!

With an impressive display of p...

What do the Knights of Cydonia eat for breakfast?

Museli

(long) All the knights in the Kingdom we're leaving for the Crusade.

One knight told his trusty servant,

"My bride is the most beautiful woman in the country. If I die, I do not want such beauty to be wasted. So I'm leaving you the key to her chastity belt to be used if I do not return from my journey."

The knights had only gone a short distance when...

What if a group of knights became Rastafarian?

They would be knights of the highest order!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.

Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.

KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!

KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!

Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!

KING:ITS CUT TO...

King Arthur and his Knights met a pilgrim…

King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table met a pilgrim who claimed he found the burial site of Joseph of Arimathea in Scotland. As quick as they could, they set out to track down the best clue to the location of the Holy Grail. It was a long hard ride, across fens and through forests.

O...

Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles.

The opposing knight was defeeted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are there no asian knights?

Armor is pretty much useless once there's a chink in it.

Three knights in training were competing to see who could chop a mannequin into little pieces.

The first one tries. He makes a small slice in the chest. The second one tries and he makes a large gash in the torso. The third one tries and slices the head off. He was a cut above the rest.

Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages???

Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.