UPJOKE
shacklemanaclecufffetterhandlockpolicehampermetaltrammeldetentionrestrainapprehendstrangleoverpowerimmobilize

Handcuffed Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend surprised me tonight: she dressed up sexy like a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

2 minutes later I was released due to lack of evidence.

Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...

A world famous statistician was stopped by TSA at the airport

on his way to catch a flight to Washington DC. When they opened up his bag they found a bomb in it. Subsequently he was handcuffed and taken to the station for questioning. When asked about it he said, “I always carry a bomb with me for every fight!” The investigator questioned this, saying “Why wou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny wakes up one night…

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for g...

Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere.
The first gu...

What do you call a handcuffed Italian?

Muted

A kinky woman handcuffed me and said, "I always wanted to do this to you"

Then she took me to prison

I'm sorry I haven't got back to you but I've been handcuffed to a panda

So bear with me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As my wife lay there, handcuffed to the bed…

…covered in semen with a buttplug hanging out of her ass, wo things occurred to me…

First, since I took her virginity all those years ago, she had become more uninhibited in the bedroom than I could have ever anticipated.

Second, she had clearly forgotten that I was going to be home ea...

How many law enforcement officers does it take to throw a handcuffed person down concrete stairs?

None. They fell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a police officer, handcuffed me to the bed, and told me I was under arrest for being good in bed.

Then she shot me seven times in the chest.

A man wakes up handcuffed to a bed in the hospital with his eye swollen shut and a terrible headache.

After several minutes of confusion a police officer comes into the room.

What happened officer? Last thing I remember was trying to order a beer at the-

When the officer interrupts him: wait a minute? What Kind of beer did you order?

The man sits there flashing back to the mom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were going on holiday..

And we were discussing our secret sexual fetishes. She said she always wanted to be handcuffed.

So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase..

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.....

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against ...

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

Pablo Escobar gets his comeuppance

Back when Pablo Escobar was still a small time crook, he was known for peddling his product in the shady street corners of his home town.

One day during said nefarious activities, a bunch of local children rode by on their bikes and recognized his face. They promptly reported the heinous crim...

I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.

Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."


Me: *Speechless from not being ...

Three women go to heaven...

Upon entering the pearly gates God states, "You can live a blissful life with anything you can dream of for all eternity. However, you must not step on any of the ducks!" The women look around to see the floor crowded with waddling ducks. Years go by without a hiccup. Finally after 10 years the firs...

Mental asylum got a new fence...

..to stop the patients from escaping. It was a nice red fence around the asylum so all the patients could walk outside. Next morning when the staff came to work the fence was gone and all the patients had escaped. After a lot of trouble they caught all the patients and asked what they did with the...

A thief walks into an electronic store and grabs a T.V

Owner of the store screams, “Acts 2:38!”

The thief then stays still and doesn’t move.

Police then come in and thief is handcuffed.

Police: “Why didn’t you run? The owner is just an old lady”

Thief: “She said she had an Axe and two .38’s”

Three women die and go to Heaven...

...And they see Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven ladies! We just have on rule here," he said and narrows his eyes to show the gravity of the one rule. "Don't step on the ducks."

The women looked confused, but accepted the the agreement. "How hard could it be to not s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dominatrix walks down the hallway of her brothel...

...into one of the many rooms. Inside, there's a man blindfolded, handcuffed, and chained to the floor. She walks up and slaps him as hard as she can and says, "Who's my little bitch?"

The man screams and yells, "What the fuck are doing?"

The mistress was confused, she'd been prepped f...

I pull up at a gas station in broadway to get a water

As I got out—now I can't make this up—I noticed 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought that this lady must be stupid, crazy, or both.

I continued to go inside and got my water. As I was paying for it, I heard someone screaming. I looked outside a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was speeding along the road in a van, doing well over 100, until he was pulled over by a police car. "Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Let me see your license" The man responded "Officer, I don't have a license"

"What?? Where is the paperwork for this van?"
r>"I don't have any paperwork, this is a stolen van. I was making a drug run when you stopped me."

The officer immediately pulled the man out of the van, handcuffed him, and put him in the back of his police car before calling for backup....

3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “

Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately calle...

Michael Jackson invited a young boy for a sleepover.

Everytime the boy would begin to drop off to sleep, he'd hear a noise, he'd look up and Michael would slink off out of the room and then behind the door. The boy grabbed the pillow and forced his eye to remain open. As soon as the boy fell asleep Michael came back in the room. In the end he could ta...

With his friends, Billy schedules a fishing trip

They decide to spend the weekend at the lake, fishing by the quiet of nature. With all decided, Billy returns home to tell his wife. The wife, however, didn't like the idea and forbid him to go. The next day, the poor man tells his friends "Sorry guys, I won't make it. My wife won't let me" and afte...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

A redneck was brought into an Alabama police station...

He was led into a questioning room and handcuffed to the table. After several minutes of sitting in silence the police chief walks in and sits opposite from the redneck.

Chief: "They tell me you ran over 13 people with your car. Care to tell me what happened?"

Redneck: "Whel ya see, ay...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[long] A man is speeding on the highway and he hears the sudden sound of police sirens. He angrily stops his vehicle on the side of the road and rolls down his window.

The officer greets him and asks him for an identification, to which the man has no choice but to reply: “look officer, I immigrated illegally just this week so I don’t own an identification.”

The officer then asks him for his driver’s license, to which the man hastily replies:
“I- I don’t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.