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Drunker Jokes

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

What did the drunker muslim say to the drunk muslim?

I'm Mohammad than you

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness.

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove ...

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A married man gets a little drunker than he'd meant to...

A married man is sitting at a bar and gets a little drunker than he'd meant to. He ends up spilling on his shirt, making a huge stain.

"This is terrible," he says to the bartender. "My wife's gonna see this and then she'll know I got way too drunk."

"Not to worry," says the bartender....

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

Drink

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he r...

A Drunk's Poem

Starkle, starkle, little twink,

Who the hell you are I think.

I'm not under what they call

The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,

I'm just a little slort of sheep.

Tee martoonis make a guy

Fool so feelish, don't know why. ...

Overheard at the bar

I’m not under the affluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.

It’s just that the drunker I sit here, the longer I get.

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A man sitting at a bar told the bartender, “my grandmother had a great ass.”

The bartender was shocked. “Jesus, man, you gotta be fucking sick to talk about your grandmother that way.” The man got mad, “Jesus Christ, come on! I’m not talking about her rear end, she had a donkey, it lived forever, and worked hard for her.” The bartender apologized. Later on the man said, a l...

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Guy is sitting at a bar.

So he's on his 7th glass of scotch and barfs oll over himself.

"What am I gonna do?" He says to the bartender, "my wife's gonna kill meh."

Bartender says, "I've got an idea but ya gotta do extly what I say."

Drunker nods.

Bartender tucks a ten in his front pocket and say...

That's weird

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,

"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"

2 Monocles walk into a bar

The new bartender can tell that they are already well on their way to intoxication but obliges them anyway when they order 2 shots.

As the night goes on they continue to get drunker and drunker and their behaviour becomes obnoxious. From loud arguments to inappropriate comments to women and e...

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It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. O...

Drunk buddies

Two Irish buddies, Paddy and Eamon , were getting very drunk at a bar celebrating St. Patrick’s Day when suddenly Paddy throws up all over himself.

'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'

Eamon says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that some...

Drunk driver

This isn't so much a joke as it is a true story that happened to me. My buddy always got a kick out of it and it makes me laugh. Delete if not allowed.


My friends wife left him and I went to his house to drink beer and play music. We had a great time and somewhere around 3am I st...

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(NSFW) A drunk tries to ride a crazy bull...

Two drunk guys in a bar talk about their sex life. They come to their favourite positions and the drunker one says:
'Do you know the 'crazy bull'-position? It's tough man! '
The other one shrugs.
'Well, you take your wife from behind and while you're at it you lean forward and hold her as...

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(Warning: No Punchline) A drunk is hauled in off the street and taken before the magistrate, who asks him to explain his drunken behavior.

”Well,” says the drunk, ”I had ten bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or I’d be in trouble."

”So I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass...

Descartes in the Bar

René Descartes is sitting in a bar, drinking and going on and on to other customers about philosophy. He goes on and on into the night getting drunker.

The bartender asks Descartes if he'll have another drink.

"I think not," he replies and disappears in a puff of logic.

A drunk man has a tooth ache...

...he goes to the local pub, and asks for a drink, saying that one of his tooth hurts, and wants to numb the pain.
After one drink, he tells the barman his tooth still hurts, and asks for another drink.
Then again, after his second drink, he continues to express his pain, so the barman serves...

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Two Pickets

Two drunk Steelers fans were left in Cleveland after a game with no ride home. The first drunk decides that they can just hop a Greyhound bus and be home in no time. He stumbles to the ticket counter and the most beautiful, busty woman he's seen all day was working. He politely asks "can I please ha...

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So a man walks into a bar...

He orders a beer, the bartender charges him $3.50, takes the $3 and puts it in the register, and puts the $0.50 in a large jar on the counter.

The guy finishes his beer and orders another. Again, he pays $3.50, $3 goes in the register, and the change into the jar.

Now it's a friday nig...

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