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Complies Jokes

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie.

Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.

The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home....

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Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and befor...

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A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven..

A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded, and o...

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A young man goes to see his doctor…

The doctor greets him, noticing the look of concern on his patient’s face. He then asks what brings the young man in today. “Doc, I don’t know what to do. I’m experiencing very strange farts and I’m getting freaked out by it. I need your help,” the man says. The doctor reassures him and begins to ex...

its about to start

a man comes home from work, sits down in front of the tv and says to his girlfriend "Get me a beer please, it's going to start soon.

the girlfriend silently complies.

the man drinks the beer and says "Quick, get me another, its about to start"

the girlfriend very annoyed gets hi...

A 16-year-old boy passes his driver's test and gets his license.

He says to his father, "Dad, I've got my license now, and I want the keys to the car."

"You're not getting the keys to the car. Before you get the keys, I want three things from you. I want you to cut your hair, I want you to dump your loser friends, and I want you to start going to church ag...

It's Christmas and the German Chancellor has a visit from a wish fairy. He has three wishes.

His first wish is that China declares war on Germany and sends its troops to the front by the shortest route.

The fairy is astonished, but complies with the wish. War is declared, but even after days no Chinese shows up.

The fairy now asks for the second wish. The chancellor wishes a s...

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George hears the voice of God

George owns a grocery store and makes decent money. One day, he hears the voice God. God says, "Sell your store and move to Vegas." George, a devout Christian, complies. So George is walking down the Strip, when God says, "head into this casino and play blackjack." George does. After playing a...

Is Mommy Near the Phone?

The phone rings, a little girl picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Mike.”

After a brief pause, the father says, “But honey, you haven’t got an uncle Mike.”

“Oh yes I do, he’s ups...

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

A pregnant woman enters the delivery room with her husband

The doctor tells them that a new scientific breakthrough has been achieved : A way to transfer pain felt from one person to another. "This way, you can share the pain between the two of you, if you wish." The husband and wife agree.

"Great", says the doctor. "Considering men don't come close ...

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a urine sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. You're diabetic." She says.

Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I...

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Toes

Fellow picks up a girl in a bar, takes her home, they kiss, they make out, one thing leads to another and there they are, in bed, naked.

After some exciting foreplay, the fellow is about to consummate the deed, when the girl moans: "your toe, I want your toe!"

"EH?" the fellow responds...

A man was walking on the street with a lion.

A cop saw him and said - Hey! You can't walk that lion here. Take him to the zoo. The man complies and goes away.
The next day, the cop sees the same man walking the lion again on the street.
Hey! I thought I told you to take that lion to the zoo.
The man replied - I did, and today I am ...

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A hapilly married couple

So there's a couple who's hapilly married for 5 years now but recently nothing's been going on in the bed and the girl is worried that her man is either cheating on her or is planning to divorce her until one day he comes home and says.
-Get undressed and go to the bedroom
The girl, confused b...

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a beer in a glass and a beer in a thimble.
The waiter finds his request strange, but he complies.
Suddenly a tiny man comes out of the man's shirt pocket, sits down on the bar and drinks his beer from the thimble. The waiter looks at ...

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Three Nazis walk into a bar

Three Nazis walk into a bar.



Their commanding officer walks up to the bartender and says,



"Congratulations, you are now a member of the German Army. Your first order is to kill everyone in this room who is not Aryan".



The bartender complies. He takes a m...

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Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

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A newlywed couple are about to sleep together…

Before the intercourse begins the wife says, “give me 30 dollars.” The husband says, “for WHAT?!”. She says, “everytime we have sex, you are to give me 30 dollars.” The husband relectuantly complies.

After 40 years of marriage, the wife comes home really happy one day with the news of a smal...

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Three bees in a jar

You should go up to a person and start telling them this:

"There are three bees stuck in a jar. Two females and one male. The females want to get out of the jar, and the male knows how to get out of the jar. One of the females goes to the male and asks him, 'How do I get out of this thing?' T...

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down...

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty d...

A South African policeman pulls over another South African for speeding and driving wrecklessly

The policeman asks the driver to pull down his window.

The driver complies and large puff of weed escapes the car.

The officer shakes his head and asks:
“sir, how high are you?”

The driver immediately responds:
“ no sir, it’s hi, how are you”

and drives off

Read in "Playboy", told by CC, herself, on "the Tonight Show"

Cindy Crawford and a crewman survive her yacht sinking and make their way to a deserted island. There's fresh water and plenty of fruit to eat, so they settle in to wait for rescue. A few weeks go by and Cindy's feeling a "need". She asks the crewman for help and he's happy to oblige.

This...

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German Sex

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the Ger...

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

City Farmer

A city type moves to the country and decides he wants to be a farmer. So he goes to the local farm shop and tells the man: "Give me 100 baby chickens."

The farm shop worker complies. A week later the man returns and says: "Give me 200 baby chickens."

Again, a week later the man returns...

NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"

The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.

She complies and opens the vault.

"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands....

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A small person with a speech impediment was thinking about purchasing a mare for his stable.

He heads over to the ranch and asks the rancher if he could inspect the horse before he bought her. The two of them head into the stables and the rancher brings the mare out of her stall. The buyer does a walk around, inspecting the hooves and legs, before looking around for a stool. Seeing none, he...

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater to rewatch his movie - the Dark Knight Rises. To avoid being recognized on the street, he rushes into the theater, forgetting to wear his mask. Before he gets far, one of the theater employees stops him. Tom thinks it’s one of his fans asking for an autograph but to...

Jesus is setting up for supper and he calls Judas

over to help. "Judas, please set the table. " Judas complies and sets the table. "Judas, put the food on the table." Judas places the food on the table. "Judas, please call everyone to the table. " Again, he does as he is told and gathers everyone.

As they are enjoying the feast Jesus plann...

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A guy walks into a diner and orders a cup of coffee...

When the waitress sets the cup down in front of him, he notices that she's holding the cup in such a way that her thumb is literally *in* the liquid. Disgusted, but not wanting to cause a scene, he politely asks for a different cup and doesn't point out her faux pas. The waitress looks at him curiou...

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[NSFW] Two brothers are lost in the jungle.

And they get captured by natives. The chief tells one of the brothers that he can do or have anything he wants (except leave) for the next 24 hours, after which he will be flayed alive and his skin tanned to make their canoes.

The brother has sex with all the beautiful women of the tribe and ...

Graybeard engineer

The Graybeard engineer retired and a few weeks later the Big Machine broke down, which was essential to the company’s revenue.  The Manager couldn’t get the machine to work again so the company called in Graybeard as an independent consultant.

Graybeard agrees. He walks into the factory, take...

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Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack falls down and breaks his crown and Jill comes tumbling after.

Jill feels physically fine but is not able to see clearly. She decides to go to the optometrist nearby to get her eyes checked. She tells the optometrist about her blurred vision and the optometrist makes her sit in a chair and asks her to read the letters on the eye chart hanging on the wall across...

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Baseball

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is. " the man repli...

And now for something completely different

A young female nurse is working the front desk at a sperm bank. A man wearing a ski mask barges in through the front door and holds a gun to her head. He tells her "Open the vault!"

"But sir, this is a sperm bank..."

"Just do it!" The woman complies and opens the vault containing hundr...

A Man Calls Home to His Wife...

A Man Calls home to his wife. The Maid answers, "Hello ". The husband asks for his wife. The Maid asks him to hold as she goes to her bedroom. Moments later, the maid returns crying, "Sir, your wife... Your wife is in bed with ANOTHER MAN!". The husband is shocked and doesn't speak for a minute....

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A lawyer is driving at night, on the road to his hometown. Suddenly...

*Thud!*

The lawyer stops the car with fear in his eyes. His heart pumps fast. "Oh my God, did I just roadkill an animal? My name will be stained, forever!"

He leaves his car and goes to check the front. The headlights are illuminating an armadillo, rolled inside his shell. He gives the...

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Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

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Oldie but goodie

At Bob’s regular therapy session, the discussion move towards his dreams.

Bob mentions he keeps having a recurring dream that he is a tepee touring the Pow Wow circuit.

He is not of indigenous origin so his therapist is intrigued and wonders how this could be.

He asks Bob to ...

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A masked gunman storms into a sperm bank.

He runs up to the counter, pointing his shotgun at the receptionist there, and shouts, "This is a stick-up!"

The receptionist raises her hands and says, "But sir, I don't think you understand. This isn't a regular bank, this is a sperm bank."

He says, "Don't tell me what I don't unders...

A cop pulls over a 90 year old woman...

He exits his car and walks up to the old woman's window.

"Do you realize how fast you were going?"

"No." She answers, looking forward, making no eye contact.

"Twice the speed limit! Ma'am, can I see your license and registration?"

"I can't give you my license," she answ...

A cop was sitting outside the local bar because he needed to meet his quota...

A man stumbles out of the bar toward the parking lot so the cop starts to move in.

The man fumbles with his keys and tries to push them into the lock then drops them onto the ground. He blindly reaches down and grabs them. Tries the lock again and opens the car door.

He slumps down in...

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AI Doctor.

Guy hurts his arm. It's painful so he goes to his doctor.

The receptionist says "it's all AI now, just supply a sample of your urine and put it in the machine"

The guy things "weird but o.k'., does a sample, puts it in the machine.

A minute later a message appears. 'You have a ...

Jewish Joke

Old Jewish man on his death bed requests a priest. His family not understand why complies and requests a priest who on arrival is told by the old man that he wishes to convert to Christianity. The family is in disbelief and once the father has left asks the old man why? His replies "well if anyone h...

A man rushes into a bar...

... and tells the bartender to quickly give him a shot of the finest whisky. The bartender complies and watches the strange man down it just as soon as it hit the bar.

"Another one! Fast!" the man demanded, and again the bartender complied. After three more rounds, curiosity gets the better o...

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A guy brings an alligator to the bar...

and the bartender says "Get that thing out of here immediately."
The guy says "Don't worry, its tamed and I'll prove it!"
So the guy tells the alligator to open his mouth and much to everyone's surprise the gator complies.
"You think thats impressive?" asks the guy.
He then proceeds to...

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A Guy Is Walking Along The Beach

A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying.

He walks over to her and asks what's wrong.

"I've never been hugged before" she says.

Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her.

She soon starts c...

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A horse, a chicken and a fantastic moral. [long]

There is a horse and a chicken and they are best friends. One day horse and chicken are walking down a trail when horse steps into some very deep mud. Horse struggles to get out but he cannot set himself free and chicken is too small and feeble to free horse as well. As chicken is crying for his fri...

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A truck driver named Bill is driving down a deserted Arizona highway...

...and he sees a beautiful woman hitchhiking. He thought it was strange that she wasn't standing near a car, but he picks her up anyway. As they are about to drive away he asks her "what are you doing in the middle of nowhere?" She pulls a gun out of her purse and says "I am taking your truck, that ...

A man walks into the Doctor's

"Doctor, Doctor! I've got a sore throat."

The doctor goes,
"I know how to fix this, stand by the window and stick your tongue out."

The man complies and stands by the window for a good 5 to 10 minutes sticking his tongue out before he can't stand it anymore.

"Doctor, t...

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A priest and a nun...

A priest and a nun where riding a camel through the dessert.

Suddenly the camel dies and the priest tells the nun that they will probably die soon as well.

The priest tells the nun he has never seen a vagina in his life, he ask her if she can show it to him. She agrees and shows it to ...

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Magic Beer

An oldie. Potential repost. Because everything is reposti.


A woman sees a a very handsome man sitting at the bar in an upscale rooftop pub. She convinces herself she needs to talk to this guy, and sits down beside him.

'What are you drinking?" The woman asks.

"This is magic ...

NSFW: Magician in a sauna

A famous magician is resting in a sauna after a big show. Another guest comes in, recognizes the magician and pesters him for a trick. Magician keeps claiming he's tired and needs to rest. The fan is relentless though and the magician becomes mad but says "Fine, one trick. Drop your towel and put yo...

A man hears a ghostly voice

telling him to sell his house an all his possessions and take the money to Vegas. He complies and when he gets there the voice says, "go to the roulette table and put all your money on red." So he does and it lands on black. "Damn," says the ghostly voice.

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The Stop Sign

A business man was very late for work one day and was driving recklessly. As he pulled up to a STOP sign, he simply slowed down a bit, and then continued at his original pace.
A police officer caught him in the act and pulled him over and explained his mistake.
"Come on," said the man...

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Two men are walking down a country road.

They come upon a farmhouse. Exhausted from their journey, they decide to seek food and lodgings. They knock on the door and are greeted with a smile.

"Might we trouble you for a meal and a place to sleep?" they ask.

"Sure!" the farmer responds, "But you'll have to harvest one hundred o...

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The 1st vampire asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary, the bartender complies and gets him his drink.
The 2nd vampire asks the bartender for a Blood Orange juice, the bartender, starting to sense a theme, gets the vampire his drink.
The 3rd vampire asks the bartender for some hot water. The bar...

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Four nuns die and arrive at the gates of Heaven.

Four nuns die and arrive at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter is there and asks the first nun if she had ever touched a penis.

"Yes," she admits. "I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger."

"Dip your finger into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven," says Saint Peter. ...

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An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

A driver does a rolling stop at a STOP sign

A police officer happens to be there and pulls the driver over.

The officer goes up to the car and asks the driver if he knows why he has been pulled over.

The driver responds "No" with confusion.

The officer states that the driver stop at the intersection.

"But I slowe...

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

He walks up to the bar, and takes a seat. He flags the bartender down and orders a beer. The bartender does a double take but complies and brings the grasshopper a beer. After handing him his beer, the bartender says "You know we have a drink named after you"?. The grasshopper looks up from his ...

A man is driving down the highway with his wife....

He's driving for a bit down the interstate when all of a sudden he gets pulled over.

The cop screams, "Get out of the car!"

He complies.

The cop asks, "What the hell is the matter with you? Didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car half a a mile back?"

"Oh than...

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

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Requires a little visualization, "The Penguin"

Buddy needs a lay but only has $10 to his name, finds a seedy women in a seedy bar.

So he asks her "what can I get for $10 bucks"

"The Penguin" She replies. Desperate he's quick to agree and they find their way into an alley.

She pulls her skirt up and stands with her legs shoul...

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Be careful what you wish for

Two men are speeding through Saskatchewan when an RCMP officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the drivers window and taps on it with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and SMACK! The officer clubs him on the head! "This is Saskatchewan, boy! when you get pulled over here you ...

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2 men walk into a corner shop,

one of them dressed like a clown the other in a plain ski mask. They go to the counter and say

"Empty the till, no one needs to get hurt!"

The clerk complies with all comands given to him. Just as they're about to leave the clown drops his trousers and takes a shit on the middle of the...

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A man visits the doctor because his voice is too deep

The man says in this great, booming voice, "Doc, can you help me, my Voice is too deep. The doctor walks up and says, "Ok, lets take a look, drop your pants for me." The man complies and the doctor stares down, shocked. "I think I see the problem, your dick is so large that its pulling down on your ...

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. ...

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A young teenaged girl has her first trip to the gynecologist...

She gets taken to the examination room and the nurse tells her to strip down, put the gown on, sit in the chair and put her legs in the stirrups. The girl is a bit overwhelmed, but she complies.

A few minutes later, the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance at the girl's chart and then sits d...

A pirate goes to see the ship's surgeon...

He kicks open the door and waddles in with a steering wheel in his pants.


"You gotta help me, this thing is drivin' me..."


"Drivin' yer nuts. Yeah, I get it. Hear that one all the time. Now, would you be so kind as to remove that darned thing from yer trousers and toss it in co...

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A masked robber enters a bank...

A masked robber enters a Sperm Bank with a gun and starts pointing it at one of the nurses.

The masked robber points to a test tube on the counter and asks the nurse, "What is this liquid?"

"Um... This is the semen that was just donated to us."

"Drink it!"

"No! Why??"
...

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A wealthy woman with a headache goes with her husband to a party.

After 20 minutes, she says, "Honey, I'm not feeling too well. You stay and have a nice time. I'll be at home waiting for you later.

She drives backs to her large home, walks upstairs, begins filling the tub, and walks into her bedroom. The butler is there.

She says to him, "Unbutton ...

A woman is visiting a farm...

A woman is visiting a farm and sees an attractive but naive farmhand. She goes to talk to him and convinces him to meet her in the barn later. Once she has him alone in the barn she says, "Take off your clothes."
"Well all right" he says and does so.
"Now take off all my clothes". He complies....

A teenager walks into a pharmacy in the 70s...

He asks the druggist for a 1 pound, 3 pound, and 5 pound box of chocolate, and asks if he could gift wrap each one of them separately.

The druggist complies, but asks the boy why he wants 3 separate boxes, instead of just one?

The boy replies, “Well, you see. I’ve got a really hot dat...

Stop Means Stop (Long)

While on a business trip in Dublin from London, a young lawyer ran a stop sign and got pulled over. Having heard before that the Irish Police are not the cleverest bunch this lawyer thought to himself "This will be easy".
"Good evening officer, how can i help you today?" The Lawyer says politel...

Stop sign

A guy is driving, comes up to a four way stop. He slows down, looks down each street quickly and goes through the sign. A few moments later a police officer pulls him over.
The officer approaches the driver, asks "do you know why I pulled you over?".
The driver sighs, "yes, it's because I sl...

Man walks into a bar with a small wooden box and a genie lamp

He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender asks "what's in the box?" The man asks if there is a piano in the bar. The bartender says yes, so the man opened the box. A small man, about 12" in height, leaps from the box and goes straight to the piano and starts playing some beautiful classics. Th...

Tatoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.

The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"

The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I cou...

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Italian guy meets a rabbi on a train...

They chat for a while, and soon the Italian pulls some sausage out of his pack and offers some to the rabbi.

"Is it made of pork?", he asks.

"Yes", replies the Italian.

"Well then I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."

A little while later, the Italian cracks a bo...

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A man is driving down the road and his tire pops next to the insane asylum...

The man gets out of the car and begins to take off the tire. He noticed the fence separating the inpatients from him gathered a few spectators from the inside when the tire popped. The man takes of the tire only to realize that he's missing two lugnuts. He looks in the grass but he can't find them. ...

A robber walks into a sperm bank wearing a mask and carrying a gun...

... he walks up to the counter and points the gun at the lady and shouts "open up that safe!! Now!!".

The lady says "sir, we're a sperm bank, we don't have any money on the premises".

The robber screams at her "i don't care! Take everything out of the safe and put it on the counter"...

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We all know that one girl...

A man and a woman are having sex. The man is fingering the woman to get a little foreplay going. As hes fingering her, she grabs him and whispers in his ear "I like fisting.."

The man grins and proceeds to inserting his fist. The woman moans in enjoyment, but says "Deeper,". He proceeds to sl...

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Bartender! Drinks please!

A young man walks into a bar, and sits down on a stool. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

The man looks him right in the eye and says, "I want you to line up 12 shots of whiskey on this bar, right now". The bartender complies, and the man goes through all of the shots, one by one, unti...

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A little old lady walks into the Bank of Canada with a bag of money.

She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank.

She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank.

The president is curious, so he asks her, "Where did you get all this money?...

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

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