UPJOKE
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I am a ceiling fan.

I can't help but look up to them.

What does a ceiling fan say?

Go ceiling! You’re number 1!

Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan

ASPCA: We don't believe you

Me: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret

I really like my ceiling fan

It may not be the best in the world..but it’s definitely up there

Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: ...

Just bought a new ceiling fan

At least something's blowing me

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock wi...

What noise does a ceiling fan make?

GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watched a tutorial on how to get your dick stuck in a ceiling fan

Instructions weren't clear, solved a Rubik's cube blindfolded instead.

How many mechanics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but they will charge you $200 for the labor and "find" something wrong with your ceiling fan.

Gods office

An every day man died, and floated up to heaven. And at the pearly gates St Peter was there to greet him.

And he said “before we can let you Into heaven we need to check your lie clock first”

‘My lie clock said the man?’ What’s that?

St Peter told him it’s a big clock that ke...

I'm afraid my ceiling fan is going to fall down on me.

Yeah, it's really been hanging over my head lately.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked...

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”

What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

I think floors suck...

But what do I know? I'm a ceiling fan.

[Old Indian Joke] Rinky :"Wow,you went on a 3 week honeymoon to Milan,Barcelona and Paris. What did you see?"

Pinky :" Ceiling fans"

Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a ceiling fan with your dick?

A bad time.

How do women in the workplace stay cool?

A glass ceiling fan.

I just learned that “fan” is short for “fanatic”.

.
.
.
.
.
I guess that explains why my ceiling fan is so attached.

What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?

Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan

A guy goes to hell...

And as Satan is walking him through, they go through a room with a bunch of clocks on the wall.

“What are these for?” The man asks.

“These are the lives of politicians, every time they tell a lie, the clock ticks back,” Satan Replies.

“See,” Satan says, “There’s Gary Johnson’s”...

Why is everyone looking up and cheering?

They’re ceiling fans

Clocks, Trump, and Heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course...

I dont like the floor or the walls.

Because im a ceiling fan.

My Favorite Politics Joke

A man goes to heaven.

He sees thousands of clocks everywhere.

He asks god why there are so many clocks.

God says that everyone, living or dead has a personal clock, and every time they tell a lie, it ticks one minute.

The man asks where Hillary Clinton’s clock is. ...

Why did the Polish helicopter crash?

The pilot got cold and turned off the ceiling fan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"

Newly married bride : Ceiling fans

Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have taboo on premarital sex

Heavenly Clocks

John arrived at the gates to Heaven, and was greeted there by Saint Peter. Saint Peter tells John: “This is a pretty big place, let me take you on a tour of Heaven”. After a while, John asks: “What are all these clocks hanging everywhere?”. Saint Peter tells him that every person that ever lived has...

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league b...

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

A Man visits Heaven and notices a wall of clocks...

The man asks God, "What are all those clocks for?"

"They represent each time someone lies. When they do, the clock moves one tick."

The man walks around, observing the clocks. "Who right here has zero ticks?" he questions.

"That would be Jesus' clock." replies God.

"What ...

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise.

He has the time of his life until the boat
sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man
looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He
asks her where she’s come from.

"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I’ve been stranded on the
other sid...

(Old and not mine) A man dies and goes to heaven

When he gets there he sees a wall of immeasurable proportions made entirely of clocks with a gate in the center. He sees an angel in front of the gate so he asks

“What do all of these clocks represent?”

To which the angel replies,

“These are the clocks of man, every person tha...

The clock

A man dies and goes to heaven.

As he sits in a chair Jesus Christ takes a seat in front of him.

The man is confused because he is also surrounded by clocks

The man asks Jesus “What are all these clocks for???”

Jesus replies “These are lying clocks, the more you lie, every...

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

A good ole 90's joke.

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the pearly gates he notices clocks with names hanging all over the place. The man asks god "What are all the clocks for?" God responded "Every time the clock makes a full rotation, someone on earth commits a sin." The man looked around at all the clo...

Bill Clinton Dies and Goes to Heaven...

Bill Clinton dies and is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets Bill with some warmth and a smile. Bill is a bit confused, but goes along with the warm welcome. Further adding to Bill's confusion is what seems to be an infinite wall of old clocks.

Bill asks, "Peter, wha...

So this blonde is at an airport...

So this blonde is at an airport and she needs a flight to New York from California. She goes up to the desk and asks if there are any tickets left. The flight attendant tells her that she is very sorry but they are all sold out. The blonde begs for any way of her to get there. The flight attendant s...

A man and a woman get admitted to a psych ward at the same time...

They always hang around together, wordlessly, just holding each other's hands and everyone assumes they're in love. One beautiful evening the man and the woman take a walk to the pool and the man lets go of the woman's hand and jumps into the pool, she jumps into the pool and saves him heroically wh...

Only in America

A European Count who had a fascination with the American West, arranged for a trip to a Texas town named Outlaw. Outlaw was small but didn't know it and the town fathers were determined to impress the Count with their worldliness. They arranged to have the local orchestra perform Beethoven's Ninth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

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