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Came Out Jokes

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The CEO of Apple came out gay...

Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight

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My girlfriend came out of the shower

and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"

I said yeah,"the damn drain is clogged again!".

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

Can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

I came out of shops…

…and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

If you were born the same year Red Red Wine came out…

UB40 now.

For Christmas my dad came out as a woman

I can no longer see her as she has become trans-parent

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My mother said she was disappointed when I came out.

I said, "I'm not gay, mum."

"I was referring to your birth," she replied.

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I came out to my friend as gay, who in return came out as gay

Makes all the times we fucked before then seem like he didn't mean the no homo

Where did the guinea pig end up when it came out of the closet?

Gnawnia

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I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

Chris Rock's new comedy special just came out on Netflix

it slaps

I didn't mind that my Dad came out saying he wants to be a woman

At least he's transparent about it.

Last Sunday, we had an internet service interruption during a few hours. The kids came out of their room.

We talked a lot. They seem nice.

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

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I once swallowed a piece of string and it came out tied.

I shit you knot.

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell?

Print("Hello World!")

I came out to my parents this week, I said I wanted to become a mechanic.

I've already started transmissioning...

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I recently came out as pansexual.

But I'm only attracted to cast iron.

I've tried dating teflon, but it never sticks.

I guess it's true what they say:

"Once you go black, you never go back"

i rubbed a lamp once and a genie came out of it

he said i'll grant you one wish, i said i wish i could talk to cheese

*poof* he granted my wish and disappeared

a few days later i'm in my house, and i open the fridge out of boredom and i see this block of cheese

and it said to me: "hey mister, i don't wanna stay in your fridge...

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My Wife came out of the shower.

She walked into the bedroom and said to me.

"Babe please shut the blinds, I don't want the

neighbours to see me naked."

"Don't worry" I said, "if the neighbours see you

naked, they'll shut their own fucking blinds!"

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My Asian friend came out ..

My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said "Dad I'm gay" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, "why not Gay+"

I went to the restroom to relieve myself but nothing came out...

It was a shampoo...

(I know where the door is)

What did the dad say when his son came out as trans

You're not my son anymore

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Rapper 50 cent just came out as bisexual…

He’s now called 50/50.

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My girlfriend came out with a...

... nasty rash where I ejaculated on her.

Apparently she has a nut allergy.

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A cumshot came out of the time machine...

It was a blast from the past

Benjamin Moore just came out with a new paint called blonde

It's not very bright but it spreads easily

The Witches just came out.

Glad to see it; especially now that they’ve legalized same-hex marriage.

Punxsutawney Phil came out wearing a mask

6 more months of Covid

My son came out of the closet today

I swear his body keeps falling out I knew I should have brought a better lock

my brother just came out of the closet

I still don’t understand how he untied himself?

Today I came out of the closet to my girlfriend

She just screamed "WHO ARE YOU" and called the police

Last evening when I came out of hot shower after a long day of work, I saw my dog eat my watch.

It was time consuming.

What did the doe say when she came out of the forest?

I'll never do that for two bucks again

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth?

Someday my prints will come…

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A woman came out of her annual health checkup totally beaming!!

Her husband asked " what happened ? "

"The doctor was stunned and he said that for a 45 year old woman , I've the breasts of an 18 year old "

"Did he say anything about your 45 year old ass?" Asked the husband.

" No " she answered " the topic of you never came up in the conver...

I remember when my wife gave birth at the hospital & a nurse came out and handed me a swaddled baby..

In a sad voice she then told me, "I'm sorry sir but your wife didn't make it."

I replied back, "Well, this is nice, but could you bring me the baby my wife did make!"

Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out?

He had a total meltdown

Apple came out with a new laxative.

They're calling it the iBM.

I just took a pregnancy test and it came out negative.

I was real concerned when my wife told me we were pregnant.

Apple just came out with a new WatchOS update, but I rejected it.

Not on my watch.

My Alaskan sled dog was barking but no sound came out...

It turns out he was on Mala-mute

The Atlanta falcons just came out and said they won the Super Bowl

until the illegal second half was played.

My math teacher came out today

She stood in front of the class and said she was binomial.

My sister came out as a furry

Let's just say she's purrrrrfect... for being hunted

Pearl Jam just came out with a product that regulates women’s periods

They’re calling it Even Flow

Corona came out with a new beer

It's some kind of Asian ale

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One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explain...

Shoulder came out of my socket while locating for a lost blunt...

Call that a Dislocated joint

10 years ago, My buddy came out the room.

He shouts "It's a boy! It's a boy!' with tears streaming down his face.



We never went back to Thailand.

I just came out with a new male contraceptive device...

It's a rock you stick in your shoe and it makes you limp.

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Massive diarrhea just came out of my butt!

Oh, wait. That sounded bad. It's not what you think.

'Massive Diarrhea' is the name of my gerbil.

An artist came out naked after going to the studio

He was paid with exposure

I came out to my Asian parents as a trans woman and told them I have a boyfriend named Shane.

I think they are taking it pretty well. They said they did't have a son and I would bring Shane to the family.

What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?

Supplies!!

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One day a man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out

"I'm gay" said the genie

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Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, $20?"

I said, "Yeah, alright," and lead her into the alley.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $10 notes and started pulling up her skirt.

My parents thought I was joking when I came out to them.

I could not say it with a straight face.

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When they came out

Fanny packs were the new hip thing.

I came out of the closet to my boss and was fired on the spot

He’s still asking how I got in his closet

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

So, Pokemon "Sword and Shield" came out today

The Sword is for cutting Pokemon from the game and the Shield is for defending against criticism

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When I came out to my dad, he was surprisingly supportive!

He's not homophobic or anything, it's just the closest he's ever come to child support.

It feels like over a year since COVID-19 came out.

Why hasn't EA released COVID-20 yet?

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I finally came out of the closet today

It took me forever to find the doorknob

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Those new dildos that just came out...

Are really making a buzz!

McDonald's just came out with a new energy drink

They called it McSquared

My son came out to me yesterday. I'm so disappointed.

I love my son, but this is tearing me up inside. I always thought I would be able to handle something like this, but this really is tough. It impacts so much of our relationship and family time. I mean, I had planned this big family dinner Sunday evening. (I smoked an awesome roast pork, I was so ex...

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.

They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

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The bread I made came out the oven shaped like a voluptuous womans butt!

I tried not to let it turn me on, but dat ass dough!

What did the deer say when she came out of the woods?

“That’s the last time I do that for two bucks.”

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out.

I say bought, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she came out of jail.

However, you shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition.

Your momma so ugly…

She went into a haunted house and came out with a job application

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The other day my friend came out to me as narcissexual

I asked him what that means.

He said that it means he is only sexually attracted to himself.

I said "I don't really understand, but I'm cool with it. You do you."

Apple just came out with its latest product that disgusted everyone.

The I-cup.

People say no real music came out in the 80's.

I guess they are right, a lot of it was pretty Synth-etic!

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My brother recently came out of the closet.

I had been raised side by side with this man for my entire life. The whole experience has really opened up my eyes and made me reevaluate my views on homosexuality. Maybe I DO hate the gays...

So Gillette just came out with a new Ad campaign calling out men for toxic masculinity.

I can honestly say this is the first time Ive ever seen a razor blade company cut their own wrists.

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Land O Lakes just came out with a new product line

I was hoping for something butter, but there's only a margarinal difference

I just found out I’m colour blind

News came out of the purple.

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Dick's Sporting Goods came out against circumcision this past weekend

Changing their official slogan to Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Edit* grammar

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Im a homophobe, and my best friend came out to me this week...

And I'm afraid I'll be giving him the shaft no matter how I choose to handle it.

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

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I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

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I recently came out to my parents as asexual. They were very supportive.

My dad responded: "That's great son, you do you"

Tried to snap pics of a ghost with my phone but they came out dark

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak

Ever since these new chipped debit cards came out.

I've never had so many women say "ok now put it in."

I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

A chunky.
Credit to my dad this morning..

Shrek came out in 2001

Good for him

A new fighting game based off of the works of Tolkien came out

It’s called Mordor Kombat.

Great legs

The wife and I were in town shopping and as we came out of a store, three attractive young women aged between 18 and 20 walked by wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic long toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you...

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