The CEOs of Miller, Budweiser, Cours, and Guinness walk into a bar

The CEO of Miller says to the bartender, "I want the best beer you have, a Miller Lite."

"Oh no," says the Budweiser CEO. "Your head is on backwards. Me, I'll have the king of beers, a Budweiser."

"I'll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water," chimes in the Coors C...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Three Rednecks were working on a Cell Phone pole: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty g...

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker...

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What's the difference between a clitoris and Budweiser?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a minute.

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A strip club joke

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a w...

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

Whats the similarity between budweiser and Belgium?

Germans refuse to believe they are even there

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

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the head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the oth...

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An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser.

Barman: Oh, you must be American.
American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh?
Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....

...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!" ...

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight ho...

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first

- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guin...

Why didn’t Obi Wan share any Budweisers with Anakin?

Because Anakin didn’t spare any Yuenglings

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What does Budweiser and having sex in a canoe have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

Budweiser starts a collaboration with SpaceX to be the first beer on Mars

I can already see the headlines...
"Colonist discovers water on Mars!"

How do they make Budweiser?

Send him to school!

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What's the difference Bear Grylls and Budweiser fans?

Bear Grylls has to drink piss to survive.

Beer

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.

The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it...

Warren buffet says buy stocks that you understand.

I bought Budweiser and Marlboro stocks .

The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're n...

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I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

The CEOS of Budweiser, Miller, Heineken and Guinness sit down for a meal...

The waitress comes by for a drink order, and each orders their own.
Budweiser CEO: “I’ll have a Bud”
Miller: “MGD for me”
Heineken: “I’ll have a Heineken”
Guinness: “Iced tea”

Everyone stares.

Guinness replies: “what? If you aren’t drinking beer, neither am I!”

What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common?

Immigrants

What do you call it when you drink Budweiser for 12 months straight?

Buzz Lightyear.

Why is it bad that Peyton Manning shilled for Budweiser?

Because he clearly owed the win to Miller.

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I'll take a Budweiser!

A blonde enters a bar and orders a Miller. Drink after drink she gets more and more loose with all the guys at the bar. One guy gets bold and starts hitting on her. At the end of the night the guy takes her home and bangs the shit out of her, I mean he really gave it to her. After that the guy didn'...

Guy comes into my bar and wants any beer but a stinkin Budweiser.

So I pour him a Coors light.
He slams it down and says
"Hey barkeep! Gimmie another beer, as long as it ain't one of them stinkin Budweisers!"
So I pour him a Lone Star and he slams it back like the previous pint. "Hey barkeep! Gimmie another beer, as long as it ain't one of those stinkin...

Police Checkpoint

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a few bottles of Budweiser

Bubba, said "Slow down, Earl, a Police checkpoint is ahead!!

There was quite a few vehicles in front of them so Earl said, "Don't worry, Bubba, "We'll just pull over and finish drinking these beers, peel o...

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I had it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I had it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram.

A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.

The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."

The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."

The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."

The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud...

Beer Belly

Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"

My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."

I've been transferred to Baltimore...

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear.

"What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are te...

My friend told me that beer would make him smarter

But I don't think anything would make my Budweiser

An eagle and a pony walk into a bar..

They sit down. The bartender comes over, and the eagle says: “I’ll have a Budweiser and my friend pony here will have a gin and tonic.”

Bartender: “sure, be right back.”

The eagle says to the pony: “gotta go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

In the meantime the bartender com...

Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it,...

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a G...

Annual Brewers Convention

The CEOs of Budweiser, Heineken and Guinness meet at the annual Brewers Convention. They decide to go for drinks afterwards.

They go to a bar and sit down at a table. The CEO of Budweiser says, "First round is on me!" and orders three Budweisers. They drink and chat, and after a while the CE...

There once was a girl named Ann Heuser

Who claimed no man could surprise her.

Till Pabst took a chance,

Found a Schlitz in her pants,

And now she is sadder Budweiser.

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A devout Christian, Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar

The barternder approaches them as they get seated at the table.

The Christian guy: Jesus turned water into wine. It was the first miracle he performed. So I will go with some wine today.

The Jewish guy: Arak, the licorice flavored spirit is highly preffered in Isreal. It makes me feel ...

Just water for me, please

An American, an Irishman and a Dutchman are spending the day at a beer festival I Germany. After a long day, they end up at a local pub near their hotel. The bartender asks the American what he will have. – I'll have a Budweiser, he answered, the best beer in the world. Next to be asked was the Dutc...

An American, an Englishman and an Irishman Walk into a Bar..

Barman: What are you guys having?

American: I'll have a Budweiser

Englishman: I'll have a Carling

Irishman: I'll have a water, seeing as none of us are drinking...

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Switching it up

A gorgeous blond walks into a bar and orders 3 Budweisers. She drinks them and get gets so slammed she screws the bartender and both customers in the bar. The next day she comes back and orders 3 Budweisers, get drunk and screws all 10 customers. The next day 35 men are waiting for her to show up. S...

Beer companies

3 CEOs from 3 beer companies, namely Budweiser, Castle and Heineken, are attending a conference where each of them has to give a speech. Before they start all 3 are sitting in the waiting area and an attendant comes and asks them what they would like to drink while they are on stage.

The CEO ...

I tested for possible cases of corona in my lab today.

Only one was positive; the other three just turned out to be budweiser with a bit of added tequila.

What do you call the most interesting virus in the world?

The dosequis virus.

No but seriously - let's move pabst the jokes.

Wash your hands frequently; of coors stay home if you're sick; and last, but not least, budweiser.

Who says beer makes you dumb?

It made budweiser.

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Typical vaguely racist bar joke [xpost r/forwardsfromgrandma]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO...

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An American, Irishman and an Australian are at a bar.

When Jesus walks in and sits at the end of the bar. The American walks over to Jesus and asks
"Is it true you're Jesus?"
"Yes my son" says Jesus.
The American buys him a Budweiser and Jesus taps him on the arm "Thank you my son you are now cured of your arthritis".
As the man walks back ...

Unshakable Fact # 5

Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

Beer CEOs walk into a bar...

The CEOs of Budweiser, Guinness, Coors, and Miller all walk into a bar after a beer-tasting contest. The CEO of Budweiser steps up to the bar and says: "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers!" The Coors CEO says: "I'll have a Coors, the beer as cool as the Rockies!" The Miller CEO says, in turn: ...

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A burly gentleman walks into a pub and slams his fists on the bar.

He tells the barman that the pub hasn't paid its protection money, and his mafia boss has ordered him to collect.

The burly gent heads down to the cellar and starts wheeling out all the wine barrels. He loads them onto his van and drives off.

Later that day the burly gent returns and ...

Only Beer drinkers would understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Be...

Another Irish joke involving beer

While attending the World Beer Conference, the CEOs of Anhueser-Busch, Coors, and Guiness went out to eat together. When the waitress asked them what they would like to drink, the CEO of Anhueser-Busch replied, "Get me a Budweiser, the king of beers!" Not to be outdone, the Coors CEO told her, "I wa...

Some bar jokes

A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind and tosses the snail out on the curb. 3 years later same snail crawls in and says "What the hell dude"

A Welsh, Englishman and Scot go into a bar and order 3 beers. Each of their glasses has a fly in it. The Englishman to...

Four CEOs meet up at a bar

Its the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness. The CEO from Budweiser orders a Bud and says "the best selling beer in america" and enjoys a sip. The CEO of Heineken orders him a Heineken, says "the best selling beer in Europe" and takes a sip. The CEO of Carlsberg t...

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Brewery managers go to a bar

In Münchens Oktoberfest, there was a meeting with international brewery managers. After the meeting they decided to go to have a drink at a local Bierstube, well known for their international selection of beers. Coronas head manager sat first on the bar and said:
- Por favor, Senor, could i ha...

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I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

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A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

... approaching the bar, the bartender asks "What can I get for you?"

Immediatedly the parrot squaks and says "Two Budweisers please and a round of drinks for the ladies at the end of the bar".

Totally impressed, the bartender replies "Holy shit, thats amazing, where did you get it?"<...

Oldie but goodie. The russian, mexican and texan, drinking and fishing together

A Russian, Mexican and Texan are all fishing and drinking on a boat on the Rio grande. The Russian cracks open a brand new bottle of vodka, takes one swig, then throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it with his pistol. The Mexican said, "why you do that for homes?" the Russian said, "comrade wh...

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A man is going down on his wife when he suddenly becomes violently ill.

He goes to the doctor, who asks him to describe what he was doing leading up to the sudden bout of illness. "Well," says the man, "my wife and I were just drinking some Budweisers, and then I started to give her oral sex-"

"Ah, well you should've seen this coming," the doctor says.

"Ho...

This one’s a classic from my dad: Did you know beer makes you smarter?

It made Budweiser.

A man walks into a library

and is greeted by the librarian behind the front desk.

He slaps a $10 bill on the desk and says to the librarian - "I'll have two budweisers please"

The librarian, taken aback, responds - "Sir, this is a library!"

The man quickly replies back - "Oh, sorry!"




*...

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2 Drunks in a pick-up truck

Are parked on a gravel road when they see the Sheriff pull in behind them. The passenger starts to panic but the driver says "It's cool man, just chug your beer, rip off the label, stick it on your forehead, and stash the bottle under the seat." So the sheriff gets to the truck door and sees 2 drunk...

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So a lady walks into a bar...

A good looking woman who was known to get blackout drunk after drinking one bottle of beer walks into a tavern and orders a bottle of Budweiser. She finishes the beer, a few minutes pass, and she yells out; "I wanna make love to every guy in here"! And she does. Next evening, she goes to the same ba...

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Viagra Cocktails

Mountain Dew + Viagra - Mount and Do

Jack Daniels + Viagra - Jack-Off Daniels

Smirnoff + Viagra - Sperm Off

Budweiser + Viagra - Nut Wiser

The Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Budweiser. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ...

Why you don't want to drink too much beer.

A man walks into a bar one evening and has a seat. The bartender walks up to the man...
"Whatcha drinkin stranger?"
"Gimme anything except Budweiser." said the man.
Barkeep gives the guy a Coors Light and keeps to his duties. 10 minutes goes by and the man orders another drink.
"Anything...

A guy goes into a bar . . .

. . . and the bartender offers him a Budweiser.

"No thanks," the guy says. "Last weekend I drank a case of Budweiser and I blew chunks."

"Well of course," the bartender says. "Anyone would throw up after drinking a case of beer."

"No, you don't understand," the guy says. "Chun...

Why does beer go faster through you than milk?

Why does beer go faster through you than milk? Unlike milk it doesn't have to change color.

Why does Budweiser go faster through you than beer? Unlike beer it doesn't have to change taste.

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