UPJOKE

Not To Brag Jokes

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”

Not to brag, but made six figures this year

They named me the worst employee at the toy factory

Not to brag, but I aced the drug test at work today.

Nobody got higher than me.

Not to brag, but I’m fluent in 10 languages.

English and Binary.

Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there

Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...

Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends

Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

It’s February 14th.

Not to brag or anything

but I don’t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model...

They hired me as the "before" picture.

Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since...

14-December-2020

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.

December 31st.

Not To Brag Or Anything...

I live near where Notorious B.I.G. was born and raised. Just a short walk over and I'm in front of his house. Took a picture. No biggie.

Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies.

Next year, it is the Rambos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed.

I don’t snore or steal covers. And I only pee if something startles me.

Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in predicting what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say...it’s a gift.

Not to brag, but I’m on the “World’s Richest People” list.

Somewhere around 6,700,000,000th.

Not to brag, but every weekend, I get inundated with girls wanting to go out with me.

Edit: I meant in, undated.

Not to brag, but I've already had two pretty sweet dates this weekend

I'm surprised how much they added to my smoothie.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys

Well not to brag or anything but
I'm bad at everything

"So how many have you been with?" asked my blind date.

"Not to brag" I replied " So far,its 11 this year"

"Wow, you must be a player"

"No,I'm the coach"

Not Bragging

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

I've been learning about the Dunning-Kruger Effect lately.

Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'm an expert in it.

I'm gonna start a company that makes medium sized pickles

Not to brag or anything but it's kind of a big dill.

My broken heart

Think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me. I was seeing this amazing woman up until last year. Now I absolutely adored this girl, and would do anything for her. But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist. Not to brag, but I co...

What do you call a bunny that sings supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?

Mary Hoppins

By the way, not to brag, but I got that spelling right without Googling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One guy wanted to go golfing..

But his partner didn't show up. So he asks a perfect stranger, who was also alone, to golf with him. The man having nothing else to do says sure why not. So while on the course the first guy asks the second guy

First Guy(guy with no partner): So what do you do?

Second Guy(Perfect Stran...

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