Tom is coming to the school with a huge black eye

Teacher: what happened, were you in a fight? You know it's forbidden!
Tom: No, we went fishing with Pa, and a huge hornet sat on my eye!
Teacher: my goodness! Did it bite you? Tom: Nah, Pa managed to kill it with the oar

What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and Chickpeas can only Hummus one.

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Little Jimmy comes home from school with a black eye

Mom says, “Jimmy! What happened?!”

Jimmy says, “I was attacked in geometry class.”

“Bye whom?” Asked mom, already calling the school.

“It was a vicious circle.”

Jack woke up at home with a terrible hangover and black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened la...

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A guy walks into a bar with two black eyes after a church service.

His friend ask "Dale, what the hell happened to your face?"

"When the lady sitting in front of me stood up to sing the hymns, I noticed her dress was clutched between her butt cheeks, so, being poIite I pulled it out, she turned around and punched me in the eye."

"Well, how did you get...

Did you hear about the book of poetry that the Black Eyed Peas are publishing?

It's written in Will.I.Ambic Pentameter

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

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Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar.

The barman, after serving him, asks "how did ya get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum. So I thought I'd do the christian thing, reached forward and grabbed the hem of her dress and plucked it out. She turned a...

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day" replied Bob.

"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection."

"Anyway, I went up and, s...

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A man with a black eye boards a plane

He finds his seat and sits right next another man with a badly bruised eye.

"Ha," says the first man, "funny we should be seated next to each other. How'd you get yours?"

"Well," says the second man, "you know that busty ticket lady at check-in?"

"Oh yeah, she was a real looker"...

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What does Prince Andrew, Manchester United & the black eyed peas have in Comon?

It all went to shit when fergie left.

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What's got two black eyes and doesn't like sex?

A panda.

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You know how when you get punched in the eye you get a black eye?

will someone punch me in the dick?

So this guy walks out of church with two black eyes! ...

He calls his parents and says “Mom, Dad! I was at church today and a woman gave me two black eyes!”
His parents, completely flabbergasted by the start of they’re son’s story ask frantically “How did you possibly get 2 black eyes in church!??”
Then the son replies “ Well the woman in the pew i...

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

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A man showed up at work Monday morning with a black eye and a bandage on his head...

His coworkers asked what happened and he told them he had a golf injury. They couldn't understand how such a thing could happen playing golf.

"Well," he explained, "I shot off the 5th tee and hooked it right into the rough, where the ball then wound up in a pasture. I was walking all around s...

What do you call a beauty queen with a black eye?

Miss Treatment

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A man comes home from a formal party with two black eyes

His roommate looks at him surprised and asks him how on earth it happened.

The man says there was a beautiful young woman wearing a formal gown at the party, and he noticed that her dress was riding up the crack of her butt.

"Obviously", he said, "that's embarrassing and I don't want ...

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A man gets on an airplane with a black eye...

Soon another man sits down next to him with a black eye. The first man says, "Hello this is kind of strange, but I noticed you have a black eye too...how did you get it?"

The other guy says , "Well it's kind of a tongue twister...I was standing in line to get my ticket and the girl at the de...

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A man shows up to work with two black eyes.

His boss noticing the pair of matching black eyes decides to pull him aside and ask him what happened.

"Jesus Dave, how did that happen?"

"Well Bill... There was a woman standing in line at the grocery store with her sundress wedged in her ass crack. So I pulled it out and she blacked ...

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Two guys are sitting at a bar and both have black eyes

They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?”

“Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d l...

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A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye....

"How did you get yours?" He asked

"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies "the girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd ...

What do you call a woman with 1 black eye?

A goddamn ambulance. This is no time for jokes, there's been an assault.

A man stepped out of his house to go for his afternoon walk when he noticed his neighbor had two black eyes...

"Whatn' hell happened to you Frank?"

"Well, I was in church last Sunday and I noticed a lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in her buns so being the gentleman I am I reached down and pulled the dress free and she turned around and hit me between the eyes"he replied.

The neighbor...

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A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor

“Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When she went to investigate, I saw the ball in the cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.”

“And...

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Two men with black eyes are sitting at a bar

One turns to the other and asks “how did you get your black eye?”

The other man replies “I need a ticket from Boston to Pittsburgh, and the cashier selling the tickets had large, firm breasts. I tried not to think about them when I ordered my ticket but when she asked me what I wanted I said ...

My waitress today had a black eye..

So I made sure to speak slowly and repeat myself since apparently she doesn’t listen

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A man shows up to work with a black eye...

His co-worker Buddy asks him "Where'd you get that shiner from, Dan?"

Dan says "I got it at church this weekend"

Buddy: "How the hell do you manage to get a black eye at church?"

Dan: "Well I sitting behind this big fat lady and when we stood up to sing hymns I noticed her dress...

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A guy comes home from church with two black eyes. “How did you get those?” His wife asks. ...

The guy explains “Well there was a woman sitting in front of me and I noticed her dress was stuck in her bum crack, so I lent over the pew and pulled it out and she turned round and hit me”.
“That explains one eye.” The wife responds “What about the other one?”
“She seemed so miffed that I t...

TIL that black eyes are hereditary

You get them from your father if you drink his last beer.

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Two Black Eyes

One day a guy comes home from church sporting two black eyes. His wife says to him, yo, what the heck happened to you? Guy says, I’m sitting behind this lady, and when we stand for prayers, I notice her dress is stuck up the crack of her ass, so I reach out and tug it out for her. She turns around a...

Black eyes

A guy arrives at work with two black eyes. His colleagues quite naturally asked what happened. He explained, I was in an elevator with a gal in front of me that had her skirt rucked up in her crack. So I pulled it out and patted her skirt smooth for her. She then turned around and socked me in my ri...

I punched a masochist so hard he got a black eye

He punched back.
Now he has two.

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Two Black eyes

Old Joe comes into the bar, back from Sunday morning church, with two black eyes. Bartender asks, what happened, how did you get black eyes?

Joe says, I was at the church, and I see this lady in the row front of me, her skirt stuck in the crack of her butt. I figured it must be uncomfortable ...

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Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulle...

So this guy shows up for work Monday morning with two black eyes...

and the boss asks what happened.
The man explains "You know how sometimes women get up from their seat and their skirt is caught in the crack of their ass?"
The boss says "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, I was in church and when we all got up to sing, I saw the woman in the pew in fron...

An Irish guy shows up to work one Monday with a black eye

\----before I proceed with the joke, I'm not gonna type out an Irish accent cause it'll suck if I try lol. So anyway----



His mate asks him what happened and the guy says, "It's like this - I went to church yesterday and we were all kneeling for prayer. There was a big fat woman in fro...

A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday....

A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.

"What happened, my child?"

"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye." ...

How to get two black eyes in church

Today, my aunt’s father passed away, after a long life and leaving behind a great family. He was a very funny man, and told me one of my favorite jokes of all time. I’m going to post that joke here; stay to the end, it’s worth it. RIP, Marcel.

A man walks into his neighborhood bar and sits do...

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A man goes to church on Easter Sunday and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife asks him how he got the black eyes.

Man: Old Ms. Johnson was sitting in front of me during mass, when she stood up I noticed her dress was stuck in butt crack, so I reached out and gently tugged it out. She spun around, was really mad and punched me in the eye.

Wife: that exp...

A man with a black eye

Walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says 'Wow, rough night?.' The man replies back, 'no my dads a panda.'

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Black eye and a broken nose

How do you give a blonde a black eye and a broken nose without touching her?


Wave a dick under a glass table.

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A Senior With a Black Eye Shows up to School

A senior shows up to school one morning with a black eye. The class stares at him.

"What happened?" One girl says with concern.

"I was drinking last night and must've gotten in a fight. I don't remember it too well, though."

"You're a badass" his best friend says from across the...

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The guys shows up to work with a black eye.

The guy shows up to work with a black eye which his buddy, who works next to him immediately notices.."what happened"
The guy explains... "I was on the bus today on my way to the office, when this girl stood up and her skirt was up her butt. I didn't want her to be made fun of, so I pulled it o...

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Two men sit next to each other on a plane to Pittsburgh, both have a black eye...

Guy #1: "Funny that we both have a black eye. How did yours happen?"

Guy #2: "Freudian Slip. Walked up to the check-in counter, and there was this lady with those huge boobs. I wanted to ask her if I was at the right counter for the flight to Pittsburgh, but instead of "Pittsburgh" I said "Ti...

What do you call a doctor with two black eyes?

A frequent flyer.

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Two men with black eyes at a ticket office

One man asked the other how he got his black eye but was embarrassed to tell the story, as was the first. So they agreed that if one was to tell the story so would the other.

The first man said "I got my black eye because of a Freudian slip."

"A Freudian slip?" asked the...

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Two black eyes

A man walks into a bar and sits down with his buddies. His buddies look up at him a notice that he now has two black eyes that he didnt have earlier. So they ask him what happened.

The man explains " well i was out at the mall today and i was riding up the escalator you see, and there was a w...

Black eye

Tom: "Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye?

Sam: "My wife"

Tom: "I thought she was out of town for the weekend."

Sam: "So did I."

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin, you've already told her twice!

So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...

...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he respond...

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Two guys meet, and one has a black eye...

"What happened?" said the first.

"I was in church last Sunday and when we all got up to receive blessings I saw that the woman standing in front of me had her dress tucked between her butt cheeks. My first reaction was to reach out and pull it out. She turned around and punched me right in th...

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A guy with a black eye boards his plane

As he sits down in his seat, he notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes...mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a 'tongue twister accident'. See, I wa...

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wife woke up with 2 black eyes.....

I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes."

"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked.

"This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager," she replied.

"That's bullshit," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 9 pints of lager ...

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A man approaches the ticket counter at a train station, and notices that he and the attendant have matching black eyes...

The man approaches the ticket counter, and says "Hey, look at that buddy, we've got matching shiners! How'd you get yours?"

The ticket attendant replies, "Oh man, it's the damndest thing... this beautiful woman came up to the counter just SPILLING out of her shirt. Instead of saying 'Here's ...

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My buddy showed up to work Monday with a black eye

I asked him what happened, and he said, “Well, I was at church yesterday and there was a woman in front of me. When we stood up, I noticed that her skirt had squeezed into her ass crack, so I pulled it out for her. She turned around and punched me in the eye!”

The next Monday, my buddy show...

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Guy gets off a bus with a black eye...

His friend, who'd been waiting for him, says, "Jeezus, mate! What the hell happened to you?"

"Ah, it's nothin'. The lady who was sitting in front of me in the bus was wearin' a loose skirt, and when she stood up to get out, I noticed it was tucked in the crack of her ass, so without thinking...

After the Seahawks game, a reporter went to interview a banged-up player, who had two black eyes.

The reporter said, "You look terrible - what happened to you?"

The player said, "I pulled a groin."

The reporter asks, "You have two black eyes - how did that happen if you pulled a groin?"

The guy responds, "Not mine - someone else's."

Doctor: how did you get a black eye?

Me: I was banging my neighbor over the kitchen counter when we heard he front door open.

She said, "that's my husband! Quick try the back door!"

Thinking back I should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday!

I once dated a girl who said she was turned on by "Black eyes"

So I punched her in the face. Turns out I heard her wrong.

Oh, my black eye? I got it from walking into a door.

A door named dad.

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Black Eye

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon.

The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?"

The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?'

"So I bent her over the k...

Johnny walked into class with a black eye

Johnny walked into class with a black eye.
Teacher: what's wrong?
Johnny: my house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed.
Every night, my dad asks, "johnny are u sleeping?" Then i say No and he slaps my face and gives me a black eye.
Teacher: tonight when ur dad asks...

My daughter has green eyes, she got that from me, my wife on the other hand has black eyes..

She also got those from me.

A guy sees his dad has a black eye

- Hey, Dad. Why do you have a black eye?
- You'll have two if you leave your girlfriend's underwear in my car one more time!

Mother: My goodness, Jerry, who gave you that black eye?

Jerry: No one gave it to me.
I had to fight for it!

Johnny sees that his dad has a black eye

He asks him, "Dad, why do you have a black eye?"

His dad replies, "You're gonna have two if your girlfriends keep leaving their panties in my car"

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so this guy with a black eye walks into a a bar

he sits down at the counter and orders a drink.

as he looks over to his right, he notices another middle aged guy sitting next to him who also has a black eye

the guys look at it each other and the second guys says: what happened to you?

the first guy goes: 'just a misunderstan...

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There are two men sitting on a plane next to each and they both have black eyes...

They begin talking and of course the black eyes come up. First man says " It's a funny story... I was going to buy my ticket and when i stepped up to the window, I saw the most beautiful blonde with the biggest rack I had ever seen. I got flustered and mixed my words up. I meant to say, I need one t...

Two black eyes

A friend of mine was walking out of church service and I noticed he had two black eyes. I asked what happened. "Well, he said, "I was sitting behind Mrs. Brown, you know, the large woman with all those grandkids; the one that always dresses real fancy. Well, I noticed her dress had accidently got t...

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Two guys who both have a black eye are sitting next to each other on an airplane...

Two guys who both have a black eye happen to sit next to each other on an airplane. So the one guy asks the other: "How come you have a black eye?"

Well you see, I had this family emergency and did not have time to buy a ticket, so I went to the airport hoping to buy one at the counter. Whe...

It's not PC to give your wife a black eye

You should really be giving her an african american eye

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Two guys with black eyes

Two men sitting next to eachother on a plane notice that they both have black eyes, and they struck up a conversation.

" How did you get your black eye?" said the first man.

"Funny story," said the second man,"I was buying my ticket at the counter and the young lady selling the tickets...

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Why do pandas have black eyes?

SHE FELL, DAMNIT! God! What is with all the fucking questions?

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