UPJOKE
punk rocksteve albiniallmusicmichael azerradracismsinglepost-punknaked raygundrum machinedrum kitextended playtaboomurderarsonmisogyny

Big Black Jokes

One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys.

They were real nice, car started right up with no problems, and they even helped me get back to the interstate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

If you see a bunch of big black birds

Don't automatically assume it's a murder of crows.

You can't have a murder without probable caws.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

What is big black and long.

The lines at KFC

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW/ A white guy is waiting in an elevator and a big black guy walks in on the next floor

The white guy stares and is astonished by how big this dude is. The black guy notices him staring. A minute goes by and the black guy says, “6’ 8”....... 280........ 13 inches...... Turner Brown”.

The white guy passes out and falls on the ground.

He is awoken by the black guy asking ...

A poor man & a man in a big black SUV arrive at the pearly gates...

Saint Peter immediately opens the gates for the man in the SUV and throws him a Big Party. A couple hours later he remembers the poor man still waiting. The poor man asked why he didn't get a celebration. St. Peter said we get poor people hear every day. But it's not very often we get a politician ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a big black rat that steals all your food?

A Rat-Coon


Hope you guys are light hearted enough to not be offended.

Vacuum Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door of the First house on the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman entered the living room, opened a big black plastic bag, and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between 3 big black cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a big rooster with black feathers?

Dave.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get a closer look at Dave, the big black cock I just mentioned.

Two friends are walking their dogs together.

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, "Let's get a beer."

The chihuahua walker complains, "That would be great, but we can't take our dogs in there."

The first responds, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the most popular type of porn for dogs?

Big Black Cockerspaniel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is watching the news one day

There is a commercial advertising a weight loss company. It says that you can lose anywhere from 5 pounds to 50 pounds in increments of five and it only cost $10. They said they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee and if you aren’t satisfied you can have a refund.

The man believes that this is...

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man runs into a pub all out of breath and asks at the first table:

"Guys, who's got a big black fat dog with a white collar?"

Nobody raises their hand.

"Oh, shit, so I ran over the vicar."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Big??

...A blonde enters a sex shop...



Blonde: how much is this big black dildo.

Shop attendant: it is 12 dollars.

Blonde: (pointing) How about the red one there at the corner.

Shop attendant: that the fire extinguisher cylinder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said....

" Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post.

How many wings does the rooster have?"

Johnny replies, " It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asks, "How many eyes does the rooster have?"

Johnny replies, " It has two." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

A guy goes to a hospital and this happens:

He lies down on the bed thingy and waits.
A big black Labrador comes in and sniffs the dude from head to toe. Then, a cat comes in and checks him out. A month later, he gets a bill for $1,500.

"What was this for?!" he said as he was on the phone with the doctor.

"Oh," she said, lo...

Guess!

Little Johnny comes to school sporting a big black eye. Ms. Taylor asks him how he got hurt, Johnny tells her “I was walking down the street and bumped into a lady who smacked me”.
Ms. Taylor “ That’s odd... what did you do?”
Johnny : “Nothing! She was wearing a Guess tank top so I said 32C”

February 29th, 2020

On February 29th of this year, something extraordinary happened.

I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own - when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.

Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I give my girlfriend a third of everything she asks for.

She keeps saying she wants a big black cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man helps his friend out by taking his shift at the dildo store

One customer comes in says, "how much for the red one" he says "50 bucks"
2nd customer comes in says "how much for the big black one with the veins" he says "120 dollars"
Final customer comes in says "how much for the plaid one" he says "500 bucks" the customer says "ok teehee only live once"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Yes, why?

Are you really sure?

Yes, of course you are a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, your dad is a polar bear, your grand parents are polar bears, you are a polar bear?

Definitely?

Yes! You were in the coca cola advert and the...

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket of furry animals; in her hand was a sign that read: FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall grinning man. "Hi there little girl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

White man and black man in an elevator

A skinny white man gets in an elevator next to a big black man. The black guy notices the white man looking at him and he says to the white guy "7 foot tall, 350lbs, 15 inch penis, two huge balls, Turner Brown."
Suddenly the white guys passes out and falls on the floor. The black man starts to sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to buy a house.

a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like everything he coud want. when they arrive to the bathroom the seller turns around and says "o...

I finally figured out what to get my girlfriend for her birthday.

It's an antique German grandfather clock with a really nice espresso finish. I already know she will love it. I caught a glimpse of her search history last week and she's been trying to find a big black clock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the Toilet.

There I was standing next to a big Black Man, trying to impress him I said, this bloody waters cold, He said yeah bloody deep as well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fat man is watching television

He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third on...

Bob Weir's yellow dog story

"Now what I think I'll do, is I'll take this opportunity to tell y'all a story. 'Cause y'all haven't heard it yet. And it

goes like this. There was a fellow, and he had a dog, a pet dog. And he used to walk his dog around, every now and

again. And anyway, well, it was a hot summer da...

That's it, I have had enough of this holiday cheer! I am sick of it, I will never help anyone again. Ever! Done.

Either I'm too kindhearted, or I'm too stupid. Last night it was so cold out (-36C / -33F), that my heart ran away with me once again. I took a man into our home out of pity, and the kindness of my heart.

He was just sitting by the road, literally freezing to death. I felt sorry and got worri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fresh recruits are lined up at bootcamp waiting to meet their new Seargent.

Out walked this absolut unit of a marine carrying a big black duffel bag. He sets the bag down and yells,
“Do you know what it means to be a marine! You gotta be tough! Do you wanna see what tough is?!"
And with that he unzips the bag and pulls out an alligator. While he's wrestling with the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Bear in Bar

A big black bear walks into a bar and orders a brown beer.

Bartender says, "we don't serve big black brown beers in this bar".

Bear says, "listen hear, I'm a big black bear and I want a brown beer, bartender" and the bear turns to the woman sitting next to him and eats her.

Bart...

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

Two Hunters

A classic...

Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.

So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A snail decides to buy a car...

There's this snail. All his life, all he's ever wanted was a little red corvette, convertible, with a big black "S" painted on the hood. He saves and saves and finally buys his life-long dream. He pulls out of the dealership and his driving down the street, proud as can be. Two guys, waiting at ...

A snail goes into a Porsche dealership...

He calls the salesperson over and asks what is the most expensive car he has on the lot. The dealer takes him over to look at the Panamera Turbo. The snail, without any hesitation says he wants it. "I will buy it under one condition," says the snail. "I want a big Black S painted on the hood, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NOT for the faint of heart!!

A small, skinny white guy got onto an elevator.

Just as the doors were closing, a huge, black dude walked on and stood next to him.

The big black guy looked down at the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 4 pound left ball, 4 pound right ball, Turner Bro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The three pigs.

The first pig, Straw Pig, looked out his front window of his straw house as a big, bad wolf appeared in his driveway. At the top of his lungs, the wolf yelled “LITTLE PIG, LITTLE PIG, LET ME IN OR I’LL HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN”. Straw pig wasn’t worried, so he gave the wolf the finger an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 3 Little Pigs

There were once three little pigs, named Jiggs, Willie, and Elmer. They lived a nice quiet life in their houses made of straw, wood, and brick, respectively. But wouldn't you know it, the Big Bad Wolf came strolling into town one day, hungry for some porkchops and maybe a little applesauce on the si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dwarf was walking through downtown at night....

One night a Jewish dwarf was walking through one of those shady parts of the city when a big black guy calls him from a dark alley. The Jewish dwarf was scared. Then the black guy smiled. But it was a scary smile.
-- Hey dwarf, are you gay? said the black guy.
-- What? NO!
-- Too bad fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe returns home from basic training.

Joe finishes his basic training for the Army, and decides to surprise his family by coming home unannounced. His family is shocked, but everyone is happy to have him back home. After dinner, his mother and siblings head for bed, and Joe and his father remain at the table to have a couple beers and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets sentenced to prison..

And once he arrived he was escorted to his cell. As he walks in, his cell mate who was a big buff black guy gets up, walks over to him and says "Were gonna play house, do you wanna be the mommy, or the daddy?".
The guy thinks for a second and replys with "well I guess if I have to, I think I'll g...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.