UPJOKE
resistlessattractiveoverwhelmingoverpoweringcompellingseductivebeguilingalluringeffortlessmesmerizingenticingtemptingendearingcaptivatingcharming

Irresistible Jokes

How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?

Irresistible

I'm digging this extremely irresistible woman

They really do bury them six feet underground.

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'd always been under the impression I was irresistible to the ladies.

They'd constantly be telling anyone who'd listen that they just couldn't get enough of me.

It turns out they were being literal and were just making fun of my tiny penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

Hendrik A. Lorentz Walks into a bar.

Hendrik A. Lorentz Walks into a bar.

He sees a beautiful blonde directly in front of him, and immediately feels an irresistible magnetic attraction.

Then he glances to his left, sees a stunning redhead, and feels an electric spark.

So he shoots straight up through the ceiling.

A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp...

A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp on the ground. Instinctively, he picks the lamp up, rubs the side of it with his sleeve, and out pops a genie. The genie thanks the man for freeing him, and offers to grant him three wishes. The man is ecstatic and knows exactly what he w...

The Government Employee

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While poli...

I have have developed cat-like reflexes.

By which I mean an irresistible urge to curl up and nap on any freshly made bed.

A Middle Aged Man Down on His Luck Finds an Old Lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your wife will get ten-fold."

"I'd like $10 million," says the man. "Okay," the Genie replies, "but just know your wife will receive $100 million." "Yes, I know," the man says. "Fo...

Just read a Calvinist romance novel

It’s called “Irresistible Grace”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What have women and wet paint got in common?

Irresistible to touch, hard to get off of your fucking hands.

Somebody must have roofied my drink last night.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.

A Lutheran moves into a neighborhood of Roman Catholics on the first day of Lent.

That Friday, the man grills out on his patio, filling the neighborhood with the mouthwatering aroma of seared steak. All his neighbors, being practicing Catholics, are obliged to abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Needless to say, they aren't particularly happy about it. The next Frida...

A man is walking down a beach when he spots a bottle with a cork in it.

He opens the bottle and out comes a genie. The genie is grateful to be out of the bottle and offers the man three wishes to be granted.

The man first wishes for a billion dollars in an offshore Swiss bank account. There's a flash of light and in his hand is a receipt for a billion dollars in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

12 inch prick

So a man walks into a bar and a soon as he's through the door the most beautiful women in the bar flock to him. He walks up to the bar and says "drinks are on me" and pulls out a wad of money. As the bartender pours the drinks a little man, about a foot tall, runs down the bar, knocking over people'...

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared.

The genie looked at the man and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me...

She was a Corbynite Labour activist, and he was a tenth-generation Tory

But in spite of their political differences, they found each other irresistible, and after a whirlwind romance, they arranged the wedding for a romantic day in the run-up to Christmas.

As it turned out, there was a surprise call for a General Election and their mid-week wedding day coincided ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening......

A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't."
At that point she yelled, "Then wha...

A man with pockets full of cash, a woman on each arm and an orange for a head walks into a bar...

The barman asks what the deal is.

"Well", says the man, "I was walking on a beach when I found one of those old genie lamps washed up on the sand, so I rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me three wishes."

"So what were your wishes?"

"Well, I did the obvious thing and wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with the head a size of an orange

The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. But the man has head the size of an orange.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the ...

A man is stranded on a desert island

As he is walking along the beach, bemoaning his current situation, he kicks something in the sand. It's a magic lamp! He rubs it and a genie appears.

"I will grant you three wishes." Says the genie.

The man thinks for a moment and says, "For my first wish, I'd like a boat with a full t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange.

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes,
"OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks fo...

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a restroom at a bar...

He's standing at the urinal and notices a very short guy at the urinal next to him. The little fellow is maybe three feet tall, wearing a green suit and hat, red hair and red beard... and hung like a horse.

The man says, "Excuse me, sir, you're quite unusual looking, what's your story?" The l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 men are lost in the desert...

They were arguing in the desert heat over who was responsible when they pondered across a lamp. "Hey, maybe its a genie lamp that will grant us wishes! Quick, try rubbing it!" *the first man rubs the lamp and a magical genie appears*

Genie: Thank you for releasing me! I will grant each of yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fisherman's secret

A man is fishing at his favorite fishing spot very early in the morning. After several hours without catching anything he notices a small small Chinese man walking towards the waterfront.

"Don't bother" the fisherman says, They're not biting at all today." The Chinese man simply smiles and co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men find a genie [Long]

Three men are walking along when they find a magic lamp. The genie pops out and offers each of them 3 wishes.

The first man instantly shouts “I wish I had a billion dollars!” The genie nods his head and when the man checks his account he sees his balance has increased by 1 billion.
The s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jamaican, an Italian, and Jew.

So these three long time friends meet at the pub every Sunday night for beers and a chat to close out the week.

One of these Sunday nights the conversation turns to sex, and as some bragging starts happening they decide to challenge each other to a sexual prowess contest. They agree to meet ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.