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100s Jokes

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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How do you piss off 100s of millions of people at the same time?

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were both upstanding candidates fully deserving of the US presidency.

3 Scotsmen

Sitting on the Firth of Fourth road bridge about to commit suicide by jumping into the raging waters 100s of feet below.
First one says to the guy next to him: Why are you going to jump?
He says: My wife makes me the same lunch sandwich every day - cheese and pickles - and I hate both. I can’...

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

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One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

Drinking Fast, Drinking Slow

Many years ago I used to tend bar and this old, very drunk but drunk like he'd been drunk for 30 years kind of drunk man sat at my bar. He said, "Son, I'd like you to pour me 6 shots of Louis XIII."


So I poured him the shots at the bar and he just starts downing them 1 shot, 2 shot, 3 ...

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

[Long] 4 Rabbis were on a hill...

They would argue day in and day out about theology. There seemed to be one Rabbi, however, that was always on the odd end of the argument. The other 3 Rabbis seemed to always team up on him.

He knew he was right so one day he called out to the heavens, "Oh God, I know that I am right and they...

Xmas Joke Help

Hi All,

So December 1st is upon us (in Australia at least) and that means that it is time for me to begin my annual tradition of posting daily status updates on facebook with terrible xmas jokes until xmas. An advent calendar of xmas cracker jokes if you will.

Anyway this is my third o...

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A man goes into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender and says “Bar keep, a shot of your finest whiskey!”. The bartender grabs a bottle of his finest whiskey and pours the man a shot. As fast as he poured is as fast as the man drank the shot. He slammed the glass down and requested another. The bartender poured the man ...

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